How to deal with emotionally immature parents
Miscellaneous / / May 17, 2023
First you need to understand which of the four types they belong to.
Sometimes with mom and dad it can be very difficult. Especially when they behave like little children - selfishly and impulsively. They do not perceive your independence, deny your opinion for no reason, or simply do not think about your feelings. Communication with such parents turns into an endless quest in which you are trying to deal with difficult relationships and maintain mental health. Fortunately, this path can be greatly facilitated.
What Types of Emotionally Immature Parents Are There?
There are several signs that may indicate that your mom or dad is an emotionally immature person. For example, they actively try to become "their own", blurring the line between parent and child. friend, overly dramatize any situation and emotionally depend on you, build a model of education, based on what they themselves did not receive in childhood.
In addition, psychologists allocate four types of emotionally immature parents:
- Controlling. They set unrealistic expectations for the child and punish him if he does not reach it. Such adults interfere in the lives of children and ignore their personal boundaries, criticize, often show anger. Children who grow up with controlling parents become perfectionists and workaholics, are too strict with themselves and do not allow themselves to feel emotions.
- Emotional (or non-emotional). They are characterized by sharp mood swings, may experience an emotional need for a child, or, conversely, show coldness and detachment. Most often, such parents try to cope with own injuries. Children who grow up in such an atmosphere of chaos are prone to anxiety and depression. They don't feel connected to their emotions, especially when it comes to showing their vulnerability.
- Rejectors. Such parents repel the child and prefer to spend time alone rather than pay attention to education. Rejecting moms and dads themselves were usually brought up in a similar way, where they had to solve problems on their own while the adults went about their business. When parents of this type do interact with their children, they are demanding and may even stoop to insulting them. Growing up in such families often lack empathy, are selfish and repulsive to others, despite the fact that they need a close connection with them.
- Passive. They avoid conflict at all costs and are easy to get along with. These moms and dads may seem "cool" when in fact their parenting style is based on what adults want, not what a child wants. Surrounding parents of this type seem frivolous. Often they neglect the child's emotional needs or downplay them because they find it difficult to deal with them. Becoming adults, children of passive parents may suffer from anxiety and depression, feel anger and shame towards themselves and contempt for mom and dad. They try not to show their vulnerability and often show coldness in communicating with other people.
It is important to understand that parents can either put pressure on their child and control him or ignore him. These are the two extremes of the spectrum of emotional immaturity. When you define a specific type, it becomes easier for you to identify patterns of dysfunctional behavior and work with them. In this case, you can deal with a mixed type, which should also be remembered.
How to Deal with Emotionally Immature Parents
reconcile
The child of emotionally immature parents wants to believe that one day they will admit all their mistakes, take responsibility and apologize to him. Unfortunately, this rarely happens in reality. to such mothers and dads it is very difficult to comprehend the damage they have done and continue to do to their children.
Allow yourself to “mourn” the perfect relationship with your parents that you never had and most likely never will. Otherwise, in the depths of your soul, you will never part with the hope that the father or mother will change, and continue to tolerate their behavior, in which there is nothing good for you or for them.
Mark the boundaries
First you need to establish an outer framework that defines the behavior that you expect from mom and dad. Then - deal with internal boundaries, that is, decide what you are ready and not ready to endure, what you can and cannot get from your parents. It's not easy, but it's necessary to break long-standing unhealthy habits.
When you notice that the conversation with your parents slips into one of the dysfunctional scenarios from your childhood, for example, you are unjustifiably and excessively criticized, immediately stop the unacceptable behavior. For example: “I don’t like it when people talk to me like that. Let's discuss this topic another time."
Be prepared for your parents to keep pushing you to the boiling point because emotional immaturity prevents them from respecting yours. personal boundaries. In this case, you should not make excuses, defend your decisions, argue, and even explain why you designate some kind of framework. Most likely, parents will still resist and insist on their own.
Find a way to meet your needs
Consider who can give you the love and open communication you don't have with your parents. Maybe it's a mentor who understands you, or a family member with whom you're in close contact. By meeting your needs that your parents ignore, you will gradually get rid of negative patterns behaviors and mindsets they grew up with.
Read also🧐
- 6 Types of Toxic Parents and How to Handle Them Right
- Parentification: how a child becomes a parent for mom and dad and what it leads to
- How to Build a Healthy Relationship with Your Parents When You're Not a Child Anymore