How a parent can be an authority for a child of any age: psychologist Katerina Murashova advises

It is not always easy for parents to be an authority for children. Especially when they grow up, face difficult psychological challenges and find new idols. At the webinar organized by the Skysmart online school for children and teenagers from Skyeng, psychologist Katerina Murashova toldhow to behave as an adult in order to remain important and significant people for children. Lifehacker made a summary of the lecture.

How to become an authority for a child in his first five years

In the first years, the baby is sure: parents can do anything. For a child, they are wizards, fairy-tale heroes and gods at the same time. Therefore, the main thing in the first five years of his life is not to spoil this impression. It's pretty simple: you need fulfill all promises.

For example, a mother says she will give her child two candies. This means that the baby should receive exactly so much, and not one or three. If a mother says one thing and then does something else, her authority falls. And it doesn’t matter if the baby gets more or less sweets. The main thing is that he must be sure that the actions of the parents are absolutely predictable.

Of course, force majeure can happen. But the child will take it normally if you explain what exactly happened and why the plans changed. For example, you promised that you would go to the zoo on Saturday, but your temperature rose sharply. The kid will understand: when people get sick, you can’t go to the zoo. This event will not drop parental authority.

The main thing for mom and dad is to understand that force majeure does not happen often, but Bad mood cannot be called an emergency.

It is also normal for a child to react to a parent's mistake. Yes, almighty adults can also fail to foresee something. This also happens, and the baby will calmly accept this information. True, only if dad says directly: “I thought that all the toys would fit in this box, but I was wrong. So, now we will figure out how to remove those that did not fit.

There is only one way to lose credibility - to say one thing and do something completely different. Or not fulfill what they promised. Then the baby will remember: mother's or father's words do not mean anything. And so you can ignore them.

How to be an authority for a child 5-10 years old

The child grew up, went to school and met other adults who were important to him. For example, with the teacher Maria Vasilievna or the kung fu coach Ivan Petrovich. If the parents did everything right in previous years, they will retain authority, although they will no longer be omnipotent in the eyes of the child.

It is important to understand that other areas have appeared in his life where the opinion of a teacher or coach is more important. For example, in how to do homework correctly or how to squat during a workout.

Do not be afraid to tell your child that you are not a professional and trust the teacher

Mom or dad can safely admit that they do not know exactly how many cells to indent at the beginning of a line when writing down the answer. And that they have no idea if you have to touch your heels when you squat in kung fu practice. So parents admit that they are not omnipotent and do not know absolutely everything in the world.

But in those matters that depend on them, adults are still reliable as a rock. And if they are sure of something, they will insist on your decisions. Such an approach will expand the boundaries of the world for the child, but will not drop parental authority in the least.

Let's imagine that adults, who cannot be specialists in areas unfamiliar to them, begin to doubt the words of professionals all the time. Then the child can draw two conclusions:

1. “The coach and teacher are saying the right things and I see it in practice. And for some reason, the parents are talking nonsense. ” In this case, adults lose authority. The child will listen less and less to their words and take into account their opinion. But this is a good option, because this way he will learn to think and draw conclusions on his own.
2. “Parents need to be obeyed, and I will choose their opinion. I won't figure out the right way. I will do as they say because I am afraid of losing their approval.” A child who is less self-confident will prefer to continue to receive mother's care and attention. And will not do anything that would cause dissatisfaction of parents. In such cases, children often choose "don't grow up- act like a baby who needs a mother and is not able to act independently. Unfortunately, today such "psychological babies" can often be found even among adults.

Protect the interests of the child if the teacher is wrong

Maybe the coach or teacher is really wrong about something. Or communicate with children not very delicately and raise their voice.

Find out if it's worth continuing to learn from them. Maybe it's better to go to another class, change the section, and the child will only be happy about it. Then say that you were mistaken by choosing the services of this particular professional.

At this age, children also recognize the right of parents to be imperfect and will not question their authority if they directly say about mistakes.

How to be an authority for a child 10-12 years old

The child grew up, and he had the following psychological task. He realized that everyone in the world has his own place, his own range of interests and responsibilities, his own business.

The student wants to learn how to find his own life priorities. And answer to yourself the question: “Who am I, what do I do in this world and what do I strive for?” And that means - to understand how to find your favorite business, choose important goals, find people with whom it is pleasant to communicate.

The child wonders why, for example, dad became the boss, and mom became a nurse. How did they know they wanted to do it? What exactly seems attractive to them in their current occupations. What opportunities do they have along the way. How satisfied are they with the current state of affairs? And if not satisfied - why do they continue to remain in the same place and are they going to change something.

If the parents in the previous stages remained for the child as authorities, he will first of all turn to them with new questions. And the main thing for adult family members is to show by example that everyone can find their place in life.

If the parents are happy with their current situation, it will be easy for the child to answer. But it happens that they cannot yet boast of great success and are not completely satisfied with their current position.

In this case, dad might say, for example, “I'm a freelance artist. I don't make much money, that's a minus. But I have enough free time, I have no superiors and I do not receive instructions from anyone. And for me it is more important. And we will definitely deal with money.”

Or the mother can answer: “I am now at home with my family. You and your sister are still growing up, and you really need my care. But two or three years will pass, and I will think about where to go next. I already have plans for the future."

The main thing for parents at this stage is to find answers to the questions “Who are you? What are you doing in life? What do you want to achieve? Then the child will be calm: if they managed to find their place in the world, then he can too.

How to be an authority figure for a teenager

At teenager new authorities emerge. They may seem strange and incomprehensible to their parents, but for him they are real: these people are appreciated by his teenage “flock”. And he strives to share the same values ​​as his group.

If the parents have managed to maintain authority, then at this stage they can calmly discuss with the child why he likes this or that hero and leader. Find out what in his actions, creativity, image looks especially attractive.

Of course, parents also have the right to express their opinion. At the same time, they can either agree with the child or take the exact opposite position. But here you need to be prepared that the teenager will listen, but will not agree.

At this stage, this is normal - enter into a dialoguestand up for one's position and accept another. And learn to argue your point of view.

How to regain authority if something went wrong before

If authority is already lost, words will not help. It is useless to shout to a teenager: “I will turn off the Internet and take your phone away from you. Or I'll lock you up." If the child has ceased to hear his parents, then the words will remain only a background for him. And any aggressive actions will lead to a new conflict, but will not add mutual understanding.

You can try to start from scratch. That is, from the first stage: parents do what they say and do everything they promise. It is very difficult to regain authority, sometimes impossible. But you can always make your actions predictable and outline the current rules of the game. And remember that in the first place they must be observed by yourself.

It is worth starting to build a dialogue again. Calmly and with dignity - as befits an authoritative adult.