I'm afraid of relationships: what is the reason and how to fix it

If you are afraid to enter into a long and lasting relationship, then you already know that such a connection can bring pain. You are afraid of being rejected or deceived. A similar approach to relationships psychologists called counterdependence. A person suffering from it does not want or cannot trust others, and there may be several reasons for this behavior.

1. Parental negligence

A person encounters such a scenario in childhood, in the first few years of life.

How trauma occurs

The first year of life is the time when a child learns by what rules the world lives and how relationships between people work. He is completely dependent on his parents, and he has very few ways to show what he needs. Adults need to be careful to understand this.

If parents always react to crying or anxiety, the child understands that the world is a safe place. It is enough to express the need, and relatives will try to help. The main thing is to make sure that you are heard.

If the parents ignore the baby, do not pay attention to the fact that he is very scared, upset or uncomfortable, the child learns: the world does not care about his needs. So, you have to do something on your own. And trying to enter into relationships with others is just a waste of energy.

The next few years may strengthen this attitude towards the world. And to convince them that the main thing is to develop their own capabilities, and not the ability to interact with people. After all, relying on the help of others is still useless.

What fears does

Most of all, a person is afraid of not being strong enough, smart, hardy enough - that is, being left without the means to help him cope with problems on his own. Attempts to get closer he can perceive as another attempt on his resources. After all, he will spend his strength and emotions on something not very important, but for his own needs they are no longer enough.

Here are a few signs counter-dependencies of this type:

• The desire to control any situation.
• The need to be sure you are right.
• The inability to ask for help and thereby recognize their vulnerability.
• Refusal of offered assistance.
• Striving to be perfect and demanding the same from others.
• Contempt for those who are weaker.

What to do

If you saw in this description of oneself, one must first acknowledge that there is a problem. You are really afraid of relationships because you don't want to feel vulnerable. You understand that it is impossible to control another and the fate of your couple will depend not only on you.

It is worth trying to relax and allow yourself to be imperfect. For a start - at least in small things.

When you make sure that the world does not collapse without your control, you can trust him for more. For example, try to sometimes rely on a partner. In this way, step by step, you can develop the ability to trust another. Then you can build a really strong relationship.

2. Loss of a loved one

This loss affects the child especially in the first years of life, but even at an older age it can be difficult to get rid of its consequences.

How trauma occurs

The baby is doing well: he is growing and developing well, close attentive to him. But then suddenly one of the relatives disappears from his life. For example, a divorce happens, and one of the parents leaves home.

The child yearns, worries and cannot understand why the disaster happened and what to do so that it does not happen again. Attentive loved ones can help him get through this crisis. But it often happens that it is difficult for the second parent to cope with emotions. He does not have the strength to support another child.

Then the growing person concludes: the main thing is not to become attached to anyone, then you won’t have to suffer. And in the future, he will try not to fall in love and not let into his life someone for whom he can miss a lot.

What fears does

The main fear is to experience the pain of loss again. A person is afraid to become attached to another so much that relationships will become a significant part of life. Therefore, he plunges headlong into work or a hobby. He fills all his free time with sports or social activities. He tries not to miss a single interesting event for him - an exhibition, a concert, a movie premiere or a football match.

All this in order to prove that there are things that are much more interesting than relationships. And one thing can always be replaced by another.

What to do

If this is your portrait, start again with analysis. Try to understand which hobbies are really important to you, and which ones you are just trying to fill your time with.

Find in your worldview and character what you consider the most important. This is the foundation, the core, on which you can always rely on, no matter what happens. Try to feel your own worth and self-confidence.

Try to share some of your hobbies with others. And find friends, not just random buddies. So you make sure that mutual understanding between people is not necessarily total affection.

Try to build a relationship with a partner as an independent and independent person, and not turn yourself or him into a "half". If it's difficult, see a psychologist.

3. Betrayal in a past relationship

These losses can occur at any age.

How trauma occurs

A person has a relationship that he cherishes very much. A lover appears, meeting with him pleases and gives happiness. It seems that the partners are open and completely trust each other.

And then betrayal happens. Partner changes or just leave. It happens that he breaks off relations suddenly, not caring how painful the blow will be for the one who remains.

Then the one or the one who was betrayed and left, concludes: you can not trust anyone. Even those who seem close, sincere and pretend to understand you and value you.

If in the previous case a person decides that he should not become attached to anyone, in this situation he goes even further. Decides that being sincere is a weakness that will inevitably lead to pain and disappointment.

What fears does

Most of all, a person is afraid of the possibility of becoming vulnerable. That is, to show weakness and open up for a blow. So, he will do everything not to approach anyone. And if contact is inevitable, then he will put on strong emotional armor and will never give up the mask.

Such a person can say: “I don’t need anyone”, “I can do without love - I also value”, “They still won’t understand me”, “There is no one to fall in love with here”. Sometimes he starts a relationship, but easily changes partners - precisely in order not to let someone get too close.

What to do

If you see a familiar scenario, try changing it in small ways. For example, at least sometimes talk about what genuinely worries or pleases you.

Yes, not everyone around will be understanding and responsive. Someone will pass your words on deaf ears, and someone will not share your opinion.

Try to remind yourself in these situations that you are still safe. Try to feel that your self-esteem depends only on you, and not on the words or silence of another person. Then it will be easier for you to start opening up and building relationships with your partner.

Yes. This is hard. And if you feel that you are not coping, be sure to consult a psychologist.