5 simple ideas that will turn your life upside down

I know what you want to hear. That everything will be fine and even better than good is fucking cool. That one day the pain will leave your life, dreams will become reality, and the only thing that stands between you and your destiny is yourself.

Everyone wants to hear it. But let it all go to hell. Because, let's be honest, this is not what you need to hear. Because I'm fed up with all this positive bullshit. After decades of all this “just be positive” nonsense, we could hope for fucking results. But anxiety, depression and despair around the world have reached staggering proportions, and we continue to hold hands and repeat: “Just believe in yourself!”

If I didn't give a damn, I would find a big stage with a microphone and declare this day a great new day - the day when I I present a new genre of self-development, which is not built on a good mood, but on pragmatism and a little old-fashioned wisdom “go to hell". I call this approach “negative self-help.” It is based not on what is pleasant, but on what is unpleasant. Because the honed skill of feeling bad is what makes us feel good.

Positive self-help says that we are all beautiful and created for greatness. The negative one recognizes that we are all so-so and must come to terms with this. Positive self-help encourages us to set ambitious goals, follow our dreams, and try to reach for the stars. The negative says that dreams are probably narcissistic delusions and it's probably time for you to shut up and do something meaningful. Positive self-help focuses on "healing" old "wounds" and "release" of pent-up emotions. The negative politely reminds that the pain in this dirty stream called "life" never ends, so it's time to get used to it.

Yes, it is possible to live a rich and meaningful life by striving for less, discarding stupid delusions, forgetting about happiness and accepting the fact that everything that matters requires struggle and sacrifice. So it's time to choose the scars you want for your next birthday. Because you still get them. Negative self-help will overturn your perception of life, the universe and everything. And here are five of its main postulates.

1. People suck. Try to be less lame

Positive Self-Help believes that each person is inherently amazing and talented, created to shine and heal the world. Negative self-help recognizes that humans are deeply flawed and generally fucked up creatures.

Here's the truth: we overestimate our own worth and underestimate the work of others. Each of us is biased towards our own desires and the groups with which we associate ourselves, and at the same time we are opposed to the desires and groups of others. We have little memory of what is happening, imagining what we thought and felt in the past, and creating beliefs that match our needs in the present. We are also completely unable to predict the future. Not only what will happen, but how we will deal with it.

When it comes to ethical issues, we are all guilty. Almost all of us will lie, cheat, and steal if we believe we can get away with it. Think maybe you too deceived and at that moment felt that your act was justified. We rationalize our own bad behavior, but condemn the same behavior of others.

Our desires are fickle, selfish and pretentious. We overestimate what will make us happy in the future, but even more over those who already have what we want. We are status-obsessed, vain and often violent creatures. When someone disagrees with us, we tend to think that his character is bad, not his ideas.

People are unpleasant creatures. There is no "greatness" in them. Just a tangled web of false beliefs, selfish impulses and desperation. True greatness lies in the rare ability to transcend one's own nature. At such moments, we show the world rationality, objectivity, justice and compassion.

Why are we like this? Our psyches have evolved not for truth or compassion, but for survival. Our natural inclinations are not disciplined, empathy or understanding. They are oriented towards impulsive, instinctive judgments, self-serving reactions, and prejudices within groups.

That is why we should be suspicious of our dreams, ideas and desires. We must remain skeptical of ourselves and train to act against our default impulses. We must stand up for the truth, not give in to anger, and let go of the dreams that give you pleasure, although they are more likely to harm you.

Of course it hurts. But it is pain that should be the center of any true form of personal self-development.

Positive self-help teaches you to trust your intuition. The negative understands that intuition is impulsive and self-serving and needs to be constantly questioned with the help of the mind. Positive self-help says to believe in yourself and your ideas as if they were true. The negative recognizes that most ideas are terrible and only actions matter. Positive self-help promotes the supernatural beliefs needed to feel good in the moment. The negative one denies supernatural beliefs as harmful and asks if one should believe in anything at all.

Positive self-help calls for being more human—more emotional, forgiving, and self-centered. The negative demands that we developed beyond what makes us human. For us to challenge our prejudices, question our ingrained beliefs, and embrace inevitable failure. All the good things in the world came not because we indulged our primitive impulses, but because we overcame them.

2. Pain is inevitable - suffering is selective

We all like to play a certain game. We play it so well that most don't even realize it. This game is that we convince ourselves that it is possible to get rid of pain in this life.

We think: “If I had a jet ski, everything would be fucking great.” At the same time, we do not understand that our desire hides unforeseen pain in itself - the cost of transportation, storage and maintenance of the jet ski and the worry that one day the brother will get drunk and rush off on it to sunset.

Pain is the universal constant of life. I could turn into a genie and snap my fingers and you'd have everything you've always dreamed of. But by noon, you'd be complaining that the golden throne I've built isn't tall enough, and that half of the concubines smell strange. And yes, you asked for champagne falls, not this crummy nectar!

Our mind spoils any fun. And it does so for a specific reason: innovation.

Let's do a thought experiment. Imagine that 50,000 years ago there were two types of people. The first ones are satisfied and happy, they were easy to satisfy. The second - dissatisfied and angry, they believed that they completely deserved better (mostly us).

Happy people lay in the sun, ate grapes and had orgies. Day after day, week after week, everyone is happy and satisfied with themselves and the world around them.

Now let's imagine that the dissatisfied met the satisfied and thought: “What nonsense?! We also want to have fun and enjoy life!” The happy ones said: “Hey guys, relax, let's play checkers. All is cool!" But the dissatisfied became angry, because they often lost. And they began to train hard to play checkers better.

Then the satisfied ones said: “Hey, this is great, you will win against us.” But the dissatisfied enjoyed the victory for a couple of minutes, and then began to hate it. They began to think, “Are these happy people being lenient with us? Maybe they think they're better than us? Well, now we will show them!”

The dissatisfied went into the desert, found the largest stone there and thought: “I wonder what will happen if put him to work?" And then they came back and exterminated all the happy people to show who is here main. And that they deserve fucking respect!

But this did not satisfy the dissatisfied people. Because now everything is a mess, and my favorite loincloths are wrinkled. So the experiment is over.

The bottom line is that being an angry jerk in terms of evolution - advantage. It motivates a person to compete and dominate. And while striving for dominance is not fun, it is a useful evolutionary strategy. But being happy all the time, although pleasant, is terrible as an evolutionary strategy. Consistently happy people would lie around all day long until they were tiger's dinner.

We're always a little dissatisfied with life, regardless of gender, income, marital status, or the stupid car we drive. But instead of accepting this feature, our mind endlessly plays with us the same game where everything will work out as soon as we buy a jet ski.

Positive self-help earns a lot of money by joining this game: "Three steps to your dream!", "I'll tell you the secret of eternal happiness" or "Learn how to always get what you want, no matter what." Not only is it all a lie. Even if you fulfill your dream and get exactly what you wanted, by noon you will become indignant.

Negative self-help, on the other hand, accepts our ongoing dissatisfaction and works with it, not against it. We will always experience pain, discomfort, disappointment and frustration. Absolutely nothing can be done to prevent this.

We cannot control pain, but we can control the meaning we give it. It is this meaning that determines whether this pain will make us suffer or not.

If we decide that the pain of a breakup means we are unworthy of love, we will suffer. If we decide that the breakup means that the partner was not right for us, we will get better from this pain. If we decide that losing a job means we are doomed to failureswe will suffer. If we decide that losing a job will change our attitude towards work and responsibility, we will be better off from that pain. If we decide that health problems are unfair and we don't deserve them, we will suffer. If we decide that health problems provide an opportunity to practice discipline and resilience, we will get better from that pain.

We have a choice: avoid pain or accept it. When we avoid pain, we suffer. When we accept it, we grow.

The main goal of negative self-help is to be honest and considerate about pain. Why were you abandoned? Because you were a bad partner. Be better. Why do your family members hate each other? Because your family is in complete disarray. Be above it. Why do you drink a lot? Because not love yourself. Deal with your problems.

Whether we realize it or not, every day we make the choice to avoid pain or accept it. The totality of our decisions determines the quality of our life. Life sucks? Accept it and find meaning in it.

3. Everything you believe in will fail you sooner or later - this is the only way you grow as a person.

So we can avoid pain ("It's not my fault", "I don't deserve this", "I'm so unlucky") or accept it (“What could I do better?”, “What can I learn?”, “How can this pain motivate?").

Depending on what meaning we choose for our pain, we generate stories that help us determine our future actions. We then become emotionally attached to these stories, seeing them as extensions of our personality. We protect and promote them. We fight for them and quarrel over them. "It's not my fault, damn it! I have nothing to do with it!”

Some stories are useful because they lead us to easier problems. Others, on the contrary, are dangerous because they lead us to more serious trials and make us even more painful.

If I decide that I have been successful because I worked hard, it will most likely motivate me to work harder. If I decide that my success is due to the fact that I am handsome, I would rather spend time laminating eyebrowsrather than a draft book. And very soon I will be alone without money (but still be handsome).

In the end, every story fails us. Whatever we choose to believe based on our past experiences, we won't be able to protect ourselves from pain in the future. New failures should motivate us to search for new meaning, and therefore better stories to help cope with pain.

I was bored when I was young. I desperately wanted to get out of routine and see the world. It was a story that I built around pain: if I could travel and live in a different cultural environment, I would get rid of boredom. And so, at the age of 25, I went on a 7-year journey. At first my heart was broken, then I fell in love, learned languages, danced on the beaches until dawn - you know, all this is #fabulous ...

And something funny happened. When I was having a great time, I started to feel like my relationship was falling apart. I struggled to keep in touch with my friends. My personal life began to seem empty and meaningless. I started dreaming about settling down somewhere, finding a home, being part of a community, and getting back to my routine.

The story that saved me from my old pain opened up a higher level of pain to me. History, which was an escape from pain, became its cause. And now I had to rethink my story and update it. In this sense, the pain is like annoying smartphone notifications that it's time to update applications. Only in this case you need to update yourself.

When we do not let our history fail, we consider it the only infallible History with great the letter "I" and cling to it to the last, we deprive ourselves of the opportunity to learn, grow and improve. If we refuse to change our minds, we condemn ourselves to experience the same pain over and over and over again.

Positive self-help constantly talks about "believing" and "staying true to yourself." Negative, on the contrary, calls to accept ignorance. Your beliefs are an illusion, your self-image is also an illusion. There is no "self" to which one can remain "faithful".

There is nothing to believe in. There is only experience and the stories that flow from it, which we scroll through in our heads. Some stories lead to simpler ones problems, others are more complex. Discard those that create serious problems and move on.

4. You don't deserve happiness - you don't deserve anything

Of all human stories that explain pain and suffering, perhaps the most common and dubious is the story of meritoriousness.

The human mind thinks in terms of cause and effect. Get ready for exam - get a good grade. Wake up early, get a lot done. Drinking a bottle of tequila for breakfast - passing out in your own vomit by lunchtime.

Actions have consequences. And in very simple contexts, they are easy to understand. So our default "settings" make us automatically assume that we deserve everything that happens to us.

But what if something unexpected and terrible happens? For example, did a hurricane destroy your home, or did the economic crisis devalue your stash? Did your actions cause this pain? Of course not. But our minds struggle to rid themselves of the thought that we somehow do not deserve our suffering. That's why, during a tragedy, we most often hear: "What did I do to deserve this?"

Because of our biases, we all tend to see ourselves as good people, and because of the chaotic and unpredictable nature of life, we all experience pain at some point. So we resist the idea that terrible things can happen to us, even if we don't deserve it. Let's call it "the problem of the unfairness of life."

Everyone has their own ways of coping with the cognitive dissonance that creates the problem of the unfairness of life in our minds. Some begin to believe in fate, destiny, and that their pain has some higher, incomprehensible meaning. Others internalize the pain and decide that they are unlucky because something is fundamentally wrong with them. They start hate yourself and think they deserve to suffer. This is where positive self-help comes in, telling such people that not only do they not deserve to suffer, but that they deserve to be happy!

Thus the problem of despair ("I deserve to suffer") is upgraded to the problem of pretension ("I deserve to be happy"). I admit that such a problem is much better, but it spoils everything early. Let me offer a less obvious solution to the problem of the unfairness of life: our belief that someone "deserves" something is a mistake.

You are doing something. Sometimes it brings good results, sometimes bad. The point is to do what you think will produce good results most of the time. That's all. If you get hit by a hurricane or swindled by a scammer, well, that's life. Embrace your pain, learn from it, and be better next time. Happiness should not be part of this equation. And deserving certainly should not. Only development.

We all experience tragedy, trauma, loneliness, anger, loss and sadness. Some more, some less. Some more fair, some less. But nobody deserves anything. It's easy to look at someone else's pain from the outside and think that the person deserved it. But in his own eyes, he sees the situation differently. In the same way, you may think that you don't deserve much of your pain, while others believe that you absolutely deserve it.

The idea of ​​"deserving" is subjective, while pain itself is objective, universal, and permanent. It is the idea of ​​"merit" that makes one attack and take something from others, to use violence against the world and oneself. It fuels crime and hatred.

Happiness is not something that can be earned or earned outside of yourself. It is created within through the constant choice to accept everything as it is. Stare into the face of pain without blinking. Accept your fears and problems instead of fighting them.

Letting go of the idea of ​​“deserved” is incredibly difficult. But as soon as we do this, we begin to look at the world in a completely simple way. Do not cause unnecessary pain to yourself or others. Be pragmatic in everything. Approach problems scientifically and without idealism. To be honest. manifest sympathy. Even if it seems impossible.

Positive self-help encourages insatiable ambition and the belief that everyone deserves to always be happy and content. The negative one treats positive emotions with suspicion, realizing that they are desirable and pleasant, but they always have a price.

There is no shortage of happiness, there is a lack of human dignity. Choose dignity. And forget what you deserve. You don't have to do the "right" things.

5. One day you will lose everything you love - it fills life with meaning

I can't stand superhero movies. They are completely unrealistic. I know it sounds stupid. Of course, they are unrealistic, that's the whole point! But let me explain.

I have nothing against superpowers. I love fantasy stuff in general. It's just that if supernatural things happen to your character, he should behave logically, based on supernatural things. But in superhero movies, almost no one ever behaves logically.

For example, if you have an indestructible body, that is, its cellular structure does not lend itself to external exposed, you won't be able to form new memories, acquire new skills, or even experience most emotions. You will zombie. But no one even thinks about it!

Or here's another question that I often return to: if a character is immortal, what does he even care about everything?

Imagine that before you is an infinite horizon of experience, all possible conscious experience will one day be yours - you will experience all forms of pain, joy, suffering and happiness. You will watch how not only your friends, but also entire civilizations and planets die, reappear and develop, and then fade away again. You will witness every tragedy, every cataclysm, every injustice a million times over. You will experience every victory and every failure so many times that you will no longer distinguish between what is what.

Immortality would inevitably turn you into a nihilist. When your experience is endless, it is impossible to appreciate anything. Everything that would otherwise matter becomes a speck of dust floating in the vast space-time. There is no shortage. And without it, there is no reason to appreciate something.

We value family because we only have one. We will not have another mother or another father. We cannot have the same child twice. In the same way, we value our achievements and awards because not everyone can get them. Only the chosen ones. These rewards are scarce.

Death, that is, the inevitable loss of everything, is the only thing that makes life valuable. Every day brings us closer to death. And you have to choose how to spend this limited amount of time. You have to choose priorities, choose values. Relationships are more important than work, friendships are more important than money, cool headphones are more important than retirement savings. If time were not finite, all these judgments would be worthless, and all experience would mean nothing.

We're losing everything. Our loved ones. Our past. Our beliefs. Themselves. And those losses inevitably hurt. But they also have their own beauty. Because the pain that comes from loss reminds us of the meaning and importance of our lives.

Positive self-help often says that you can protect yourself from losses. You can control your life and the world around you and do everything so that you definitely do not lose friends, do not lose your job and money. You will always be successful and never be sad!

But this is a desire for immortality, for a static and unchanging future. It is a position against life because it is against death.

Negative self-help calls not to run away from losses and don't try to prevent them. Because the intensity of your loss only matches the intensity of your life. And every loss is a reminder that this moment, like all the next, is unique and special. And none of them can be taken for granted, no matter what.