How not to turn nonviolent communication into manipulation

The rules of non-violent communication allow us to establish contacts, respecting both ourselves and the other. However, sometimes a person who does not formally retreat from them can turn them into a tool for manipulation.

Why this happens and how to understand that they are trying to influence you, Leonid Smelov and Anastasia Klimenko told. Their master class was held as part of the Moscow festival non-violent communication on 25 and 26 March. Lifehacker made a summary of the seminar.

Principles nonviolent communication was first formulated by Marshall Rosenberg. Here are the five main elements of this system:

1. observation. We try to record only the facts and avoid assessments, generalizations and other distortions.
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2. Feelings and I-messages. We only talk about our emotions. We name those that are currently experiencing.
3. Needs. If we are uncomfortable, we try to understand which of the needs not satisfied, and call her.
4. Request. We clearly formulate what we want to receive from the other. We ask, we don't demand.
5. Empathy. We can guess what needs the other person has and how they feel right now.

We will simulate several typical situations and use these examples to figure out how to apply NGO rules in ordinary life.

How to define your boundaries

Several employees met in the elevator before the start of the working day. One of them began to resent that the company had not increased salaries for a long time. Then he turned to you and asked: “Here you are, for example, how much do you get?”

In such a situation, it is easy to get confused. Here are the answers that immediately come to mind: “Enough”, “What is the purpose of asking?”, “As much as I need, I get as much!”, “When did you get a raise?”. Any of them can lead to a conflict or start a chain of manipulations.

For example, companion he will take the last answer as an approval and answer: “Yes, they haven’t raised me for a year! Let's get angry together and let's figure it out! They don't appreciate us at all!" Ending the dialogue will become more difficult.

It is important to remember: perhaps the person does not want to offend you, upset or quarrel with you at all. He may sincerely not understand that it is unpleasant for you to talk about something. There are groups of friends where it is in the order of things to raise any topic, including those that are incorrect for the majority. And vice versa: sometimes a common question for other people can really hurt you.

In order for others to respect your boundaries, they must first be shown. Do not rush to defend them immediately, do not behave aggressively. Just designate.

If you really don't like talking, a good nonviolent response would be, "I don't like talking about money / I feel uncomfortable when I (in front of strangers) are asked about money, can I ask you not to ask (publicly) such questions?"

How to protect your borders

You completed the work task ahead of schedule and did a great job. But when they came to boss, then they suddenly heard: “Well done, of course, but the work was very simple. So there's nothing to be proud of." Another option: “You had some small KPIs. Yes, they are specified in the contract, you overfulfilled them - so what? They are really small."

If you are a subordinate

Your boundaries are violated, and unexpectedly. Of course, it is difficult to immediately find an answer that does not lead to conflict. Therefore, first name the emotion you are experiencing, and try to understand what your boss rejected your need.

You need to find the positive need. The option “I don’t want to be humiliated and put in nothing” will not work. Say something like, “I am very upset. It is important to me that my work appreciated». Next, you need to formulate a request that will help end the conflict so that the result suits both you and the boss.

You can say: “All the criteria were discussed beforehand. I hate that my work was considered insignificant after the fact. The most important words here are "in advance" and "after the fact." Yes, there are new circumstances. But they should not change the conditions that both sides agreed on before the start.

So your request might be: “May I request that the approved criteria not be changed when evaluating work already completed?”

Here are the elements of nonviolent communication that you have already used: the self-message, emotion, need, and request. Now it's time to apply the fifth point - empathy. In our case, this is the ability to understand the needs of the boss and not forget about his boundaries.

Try to end the conversation like this: “If circumstances have changed, for the following tasks we can establish new KPI. I will be happy to discuss them and determine indicators that will suit everyone. Let's agree on what documents to prepare in order to agree on a new standard.”

This way you do not violate social roles and allow the boss to regain control over the situation. The conflict will be resolved without manipulation on your part.

If you are the boss

Employees very rarely hear a positive assessment of their work - usually the boss is limited to criticism. To avoid manipulation and not create tension, you can structure the conversation differently from the very beginning.

If the specialist did less than you expected, it is worth first noting what is good in his work. For example, say: “You completed the project with high quality, but the market shows that the current KPIs are too small. We will review them in the future. But anyway, thank you for doing everything on time and perfectly optimizing the processes.”

If you want employees to show more initiative, you can formulate a request like this: “You did a great jobbut the market situation has improved. Therefore, I could expect you to choose more ambitious KPIs. Please, if the situation changes again, do not be silent. Suggest an option how we can revise the indicators.

How to resolve conflict

You are a coach and have been preparing an athlete for tennis competitions for a long time. He could compete for the gold medal. But something went wrong, and it turned out to take only fourth place. After summing up the results, he comes to you and says from the threshold: “It's all your fault! You didn't prepare me well! If not for you, I would definitely have won!”

You need to show your limits, but not provoke development conflict. You can turn on the logic and try to prove with the help of facts that the athlete is wrong. But then he just leaves and never comes back to you.

Therefore, the first thing you should do is to understand whether he is really very upset or is this manipulation to bring down the price for the next cycle of classes.

It is better not to say: “Yes, you yourself... How can you...” This is aggression, and it will not help resolve the conflict. If you see that the student is sincerely experiencing, it is worth applying the rules of non-violent communication. Tell him about your emotions: “I am also upset that this happened. I understand you and I am very worried with you.”

This will bring you together. Now you do not conflict - you are together. Further, most likely, there will be a flow of emotions on his part. But then he will surely calm down. Then it will be possible to arrange an analysis of mistakes together and agree on how to change the approach to training in the future.

How to recognize unconscious manipulation

We continue training. New situation: Nastya, co-host of the master class, was silent for a long time and finally decided to say that she was not okay. “I am very sad. I didn't sleep well at night, I was worried. I don't get enough air. But no one noticed this, no one asked whether to open the window. I feel neglected. I really want to be taken care of.”

Formally, Nastya acts according to the rules of non-violent communication. She gives facts, speaks only about her emotions. Then formulate the need. Everything seems to be correct, but this is manipulation.

The thing is, there is no request. Nastya talks about the problem, but does not tell what needs to be done - you yourself have to guess.

You see a person in position victims. Nastya incorrectly assesses and voices her need. “I want others to take care of me” is an attempt to turn your desires into the needs of other people. It is they who should want to help and only then figure out what exactly is worth doing.

As a rule, the manipulator does not stop there. Then you will hear: “I don’t need anything from you. It's too late, you should have thought before." As a result, the “victim” will conclude: everyone around is bad, no one understands her.

Usually such a character is not aware that he is trying to manipulate. He's bad, that's true. The problem is that it is his responsibility to formulate the need and translate it into a request. You don't need to pass it on to others.

You can respond according to the rules of non-violent communication: “I'm very sorry that you feel this way. But how was I supposed to know about it? And what prevented you from opening the window yourself?” Or immediately ask: “OK, I understand. Why do you want me to become ashamed? Such an answer will stop the unconscious manipulation.

How not to play by the rules of the manipulator

A friend asked you for a loan. Two months have passed since the date when he promised to give the full amount. When you saw him at a meeting of school friends, you asked when you would receive your money.

The person has four answers. Here are the roles that the manipulator uses:

1. Pursuer. His tools are aggression, fear, pressure.
2. Victim. Tries to evoke shame and pity.
3. Your boyfriend. He tries to play on a sense of duty and convince him that he can’t refuse.
4. Prosecutor. His main assistant is the guilt of the person he is trying to manipulate.

Usually these roles are combined and may look like this:

• Persecutor + Accuser: "Is it for you money have become dearer than anything - even friendship?
• Stalker + Your boyfriend: “Do you understand that if you only talk about money, you will lose all your friends?”
• Victim + Accuser: "Since when did you start leaving your friends in trouble?"
• Victim + Your boyfriend: "How can you do this to me? We've been through so much together!"

The debtor will always jump around the corners of this square and try to get the emotions and actions he needs from you.

The manipulator either tries to put pressure from a position from above, or causes pity from a position from below. However, according to the rules of non-violent communication, you are always equal. So, in any situation, you yourself make a decision: do what you are asked to do or refuse.

Therefore, you should not follow the manipulator in a square. First, check to see if you are being forced to sacrifice your needs. The criterion is this: if I don't like the scenario I'm being pushed to, then my needs are being ignored. This is an alarm.

If you are being manipulated, try to break the script immediately and get out of the game.

How not to become a manipulator yourself

Nonviolent communication can be a great tool for networking. It also turns into abuse if we do not respect the boundaries of other people.

Manipulation is the effect on emotions. An attempt to cause shame, embarrassment, guilt, pity. Its goal is to assert itself at someone's expense or to gain advantages that are not available in open communication. It is worth remembering this and checking whether we ourselves are trying to evoke such emotions in the interlocutor.

In order not to manipulate yourself, you must always remember the boundaries of the interlocutor. And that he, too, has the right disagree with you, feel hurt or directly refuse you.