12 Reasons Why Exes Come Back

Some people break up, remove each other's numbers from their phones, and never contact each other again. But it also happens differently. So, often the initiator of the gap reappears on the threshold and hints or directly asks to return everything.

Relations with a former partner can be renewed, but it is not always worth it. Lifehacker has a big material how to deal with this difficult situation.

But first you need to understand what drives a person. Globally, there are several reasons why the former return.

1. Because they realized the mistake

People break up for a million reasons. This is not always a well-considered, carefully calibrated rational decision. Even if a person considers himself very reasonable, and bases his actions solely on the voice of common sense, too many factors influence our thoughts. For example, emotions, attitudes, or various cognitive distortions can change everything. Thus, when making a decision, people proceed from the data they have, and they are often not enough to imagine a larger picture of the future.

In general, for many reasons, people make the wrong decisions. And they do not always realize this, because for this they will have to accept that they did wrong. Many continue to make mistakes in the hope that now, after the next step in the wrong direction, it will become clear what all this was for. But others find the strength to delve into themselves, to realize everything, forgive yourself (which is important, otherwise you won’t be able to move on) and try to restore the destroyed relationship.

Sometimes in such cases they say caustically: “Yes, he just didn’t find anyone else.” But there is no reason for neglect here. Some people suit us better than others. If a person feels happier, happier with someone, if the relationship improves the quality of life, admitting this and trying to return is not a weakness, but a strength.

Of course, the second person still remains in his own right to decide whether he agrees to restore the union. However, in this case, at least there is something to think about. Not all reasons to converge again are the same constructive. For example, next.

2. Because they strive for a comfort zone

This reason is similar to the previous one and at the same time dramatically different. A person, having ended a relationship, suddenly realizes that his life has changed radically. He now faces new situations for himself, makes new decisions. And it might make him miss by what it was.

Awareness of a mistake and the desire to get into the comfort zone differ in that in the second case, a person does not understand that it will no longer be possible to return to the past. He wants to step back. Whereas in the first one it is clear that there was a gap and we will have to work on its consequences. But the former partner is ready, because for him it is worth the effort.

A relationship rekindled because the couple just wants to get back together comfort zonedo not necessarily lead to nowhere. They can last for many years, and their participants will feel happy. Perhaps they will even find the strength to work through the contradictions that usually still pop up. Or maybe it won’t work out to improve relations, because it won’t be like before.

3. 'Cause a breakup made a difference

Being in a couple, people do not see mutual changes so clearly, because they are very used to each other. Life flows according to a certain scenario, from which it is difficult to get out. But the gap can highlight what was not visible before. And this often forces us to rethink the situation and update relationship contract — discuss what goals and values ​​the partners have, what they expect, and so on. And it happens that these conditions erase past contradictions and show that people value each other and are ready to meet each other halfway. This may be a good start for the next round of relations.

4. Because the expectations of the gap did not materialize

If there are people who break off relations with the thought “I’ll leave now and finally start to suffer”, then there are obviously few of them. Usually, the initiators of a breakup expect that they will live happily after. They are driven by euphoria and a premonition of grandiose changes for the better. And this is not always justified.

For example, new relationships can be dreary and uninspiring. Or the free life is not so fun. Or earlier, it might seem to a person that a partner is hindering the development of his career or some other movement forward, but it turns out that it’s not about him at all.

All in all, euphoria is replaced by less energizing emotions, and the person begins to think: was everything so bad before. If he is not only disappointed in his choice, but also somehow rethinks what happened, the restored relationship may have a chance of success.

5. Because they are afraid of loneliness

Loneliness may be a difficult test for some. Someone is frightened by the aching feeling of uselessness. Someone - the idea that something is wrong with people without a partner. There can be many reasons, but the result is the same: a person is looking for literally anyone to whom he can stumble, so as not to be alone. Often the easiest way out is to restore old relationships.

True, for a past partner there is little benefit in this: it’s not so pleasant to be the first to come across anyone.

6. Because they want to use the resource

People are not necessarily driven by complex feelings and noble impulses. Someone can simply satisfy their needs at the expense of another.

For example, during difficult times, a departed partner may initiate dates with an ex to boost their ego. If you didn’t manage to meet anyone new or the relationship doesn’t add up, you’ll be able to say to yourself: “But there is a person who definitely cares.”

Resources are different: you can live with an ex-partner for a while, or borrow money, or get emotional support, or have sex with him. However, again, there is no benefit to the second member, they are simply used and prevented from recovering from the breakup and moving on.

7. Because they see the old relationship as an alternate airfield

Imagine an airplane with a small tank in the vast ocean without any navigation system. He is looking for some piece of land, but he cannot fly far from his aircraft carrier. It is important for him to have a platform in sight in order to return, refuel and go on a new search. A former partner becomes such an aircraft carrier for a person. The “airplane” keeps it in sight to feel safe and comfortable, but at any moment it is ready to take off and fly away if a better option looms ahead.

For an "aircraft carrier" this, of course, is uncomfortable and unsafe. It is better to let the former free-flight and sail on.

8. Because they don't want to get off the emotional swing

Emotional swing is an alternation of polar emotions. For example, anger and despair after a quarrel are replaced by joy from reconciliation. And the positive ones are felt much stronger due to the fact that a person is brought to them out of the pit of the negative ones. And in some way they get hooked on it. The former remembers the strength of his positive feelings and wants to experience them again in this volume, and negative ones are often ready to cross out of the equation.

Often emotional swing described as a manipulative tactic, when a person deliberately behaves inconsistently so that his victim is confronted with polar feelings. But the phenomenon can also arise spontaneously, and not by malicious intent.

The gap creates a favorable situation for the emergence of such an "attraction". And therefore, having parted completely, people can get bored not even with relationships, but with their strong feelings. Moreover, the impulse to return may appear if the emotional swing was part of the usual interaction.

Here, by the way, a paradox arises. Because emotional swings are one of the signs of not the healthiest relationships. And in this situation, the gap seems to be just the launching pad for a happier future. But people come back to each other for sharp emotions again and again.

9. Because they are jealous

It happens that the initiator of the breakup notices that the former is quite coping with the hardships of the gap. He lives his life, reaches career heights, looks good, starts a new relationship. And this is where they come into play jealous feelingswhich can have many manifestations. For example:

• Desire to take back control. The person sees that the ex-partner has severed ties and moves on. And he realizes that he is losing the leverage that he would have had if the former had feelings.
• Ownership emotion "You are mine and no one else's." A person does not really want to be with an ex, but he cannot allow him to be with someone else.
• Thirst persecution. Some people tend to fight for what they can't get. A former partner in such a situation becomes a welcome prize.

This is unlikely to end with the continuation of the relationship, because the initiator of the break does not want this.

10. Because they want revenge

Often, the initiator of the gap appoints his ex as the one to blame for the breakup. It’s easier this way: you don’t have to take responsibility, don’t think about what hurt someone, say “Yes, it’s just that he brought me down, he couldn’t be normal.”

But even with such a position, people do not always just go into a new free life. Especially if she becomes not very happy. We need to go back and take revenge on the one who allegedly caused everything to go downhill. Of course it's no good will not work.

11. Because they are driven by pity

Sometimes, on the contrary, a person is too immersed in guilt and shame. He feels sorry for the one he left, and the former returns to make the partner feel better. Although something from this is unlikely to come out.

Perhaps, few people would like to continue interaction with him only out of a sense of pity. In addition, this reason for resuming the relationship prevents both parties from getting over the breakup and moving on.

12. Because they want to live up to public expectations

Sometimes others perceive other people's breaks too dramatically. Let's say under the news about divorces stars gather whole councils groaning and gasping. Someone condemns the departed: he did not save the relationship. Someone abandoned: did not keep. And, of course, everyone knows how to live this life better.

At the same time, public expectations can act in any direction. Someone goes back to an unloved partner because they think about "what people will say." Someone, on the contrary, is afraid to improve relations after a breakup. And, of course, it is better to rely only on your desires.