How to politely but firmly state your personal boundaries to others

Psychotherapist Sharon Martin wrote the book The Power of Personal Boundaries. In it, she talked about practices that will help build healthy relationships with yourself and others without feeling guilty about it. With the permission of the MIF publishing house, we publish an excerpt from the chapter "Declaring Our Borders".

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The task of communicating your boundaries to others can seem daunting and daunting, especially if it has failed in the past. As a result, many of us try not to talk about our wants and needs or, conversely, make demands and lose our temper. None of these methods help to meet the needs and build relationships based on mutual trust and respect that every person wants. In this chapter, you will learn how to communicate your boundaries effectively using assertive communication skills. They eliminate anger and grief, provide an opportunity to act in good faith and increase the chances that your needs will be met.

Components of Effective Communication

Anyone can learn to communicate effectively. But if you have never studied this approach and have not tried to put it into practice, then the process may seem similar to mastery foreign language. At first, you will feel awkward and spend a lot of energy, but with practice, assertive communication will become easier and freer. You will notice that this will positively affect your relationship. […]

Use assertive communication

There are three main types of communication: passive, aggressive and confident (assertive). In passive communication, we do not show respect for ourselves because we do not express our desires and needs, do not talk openly about our feelings, minimize our needs and emotions. Using aggressive communication, we act tough it's a shame and demanding, because we put our own needs and feelings above those of others. But by choosing assertive communication, we communicate our needs and feelings clearly and directly, respecting ourselves and those around us.

Ask, Don't Demand

If you need to ask someone to change or take an action to form a boundary, then make a request, not a demand. Demands encourage defensive behavior and resistance, not cooperativeness. With the help of “I-statements” and a willingness to compromise, requests can be made most effectively.

"I-statements"

It is normal for a person to feel angry or disappointmentwhen his needs are not met. In most cases, this leads to accusations, humiliation and demands. For example, they might sound like this: “I want you to stop being so loud. You have absolutely no regard for others!” Not surprisingly, this approach is not conducive to understanding and cooperation, but causes a reaction from the defense. The other person resists and spends a lot of effort to prove you wrong. He does not seek to understand your needs and work together to find a solution.

I-statements use a formula (read below) to convey information about feelings and desires. I-statements work well because you focus on your feelings and not on the other person's behavior. And so you are more likely to achieve empathyrather than defensive action.

Sometimes people don't realize that their behavior negatively affects others. But if you make it clear that it hurts, people open up to change and compromise. I-statements are a tool that helps others understand your feelings and needs and, as a result, opens up opportunities for finding solutions.

This is how the formula for the “I-statement” looks like: I feel …, when/what …, and would like to … .

Example. I get frustrated when you don't tell me you'll be home late, and I wish you would text me next time if you're coming home after half past seven.

To improve the I-statement, you can directly ask the person for an agreement.

Example. I get frustrated when you don't tell me you'll be home late, and I wish you would text me next time if you're coming home after half past seven. Do you agree?

If the person answers in the affirmative, you get a well-formulated agreement that he would act differently. And if it turns out against, you can try to find a compromise. If this is not possible, take another action to meet your needs and take care of yourself. […]

"It means a lot to me"

Not all requests are equally significant, so if yours is very important, you should report it. In the book The Assertiveness Guide for Women, a guide to assertive communication for women, author Julie Hanks suggests using the phrase "It would mean a lot to me if...". Julie explains the effectiveness of this phrase by saying that “it starts by recognizing this request as yours, you want it, and it means a lot to you; in this case, it is highly likely that the other person will remain open to your request and will not turn away from you or defend yourself. This phrase helps the interlocutor to distinguish the request from less significant problems or issues and, I hope, take it more seriously.

Here are some variations of this phrase:

• It is very important for me.
• I would be grateful if...
• I have a request that is of great importance to me.
• I am very worried about this.

Be Specific

The more specific requeststhe more efficient they are. We usually think we speak clearly and distinctly because we know what we want. And when we assume that the other person is on the same wavelength with us, we do not delve into the details when pronouncing our request.

The opposite common problem is that we ourselves often do not fully understand what we are asking for. You may have a general idea (for example: “I want to be treated with respect”), but you cannot determine what specific changes you expect in the behavior of another person. Notice the difference between the following requests.

• I would like you to treat me with respect.
• Please don't call or text me late at night.
• Please don't call or text me after 10pm.

Which request is most intelligible will explain to the interlocutor, what do you want from him, and will help to achieve the desired result? The third example is the most effective because it describes specific behavior and time, and the interlocutor understands exactly what is expected of him. In this way, you negate any misunderstandings and allow the other person to accurately assess how ready he is to change his behavior.

Tips for expressing specific requests.

• If possible, identify a physical action that you would like the other person to perform.
• Describe in detail how often, how much, or for how long the interlocutor should behave in a new way.
• State the exact times and dates.
• Give an example of what you are asking for.

Consider rewriting the following boundary-setting requests to be more specific.

• I'm sorry you left a mess behind. I would like you to clean up after yourself.
• Please don't offer my children so much junk food.

Try to write down your own boundary request in as much detail as possible.

Hold on confident

Setting boundaries and asking can be much more effective if you speak confidently, knowing that you are entitled to it, that your feelings and needs matter, and that you are capable of decide their problems.

Clue. Do not weaken your request with the following words: like / sort of / maybe / just.

Confidence is not the same as arrogance, which smacks of superiority. Confidence shows that you believe in what you say and can state your needs and desires without apologizing, explaining or making excuses. Apologies and excuses weaken requests by giving the impression that they are not that important and you shouldn't have asked for them.

Pay attention to the difference between these formulations.

• I apologize for disturbing you. If it doesn't bother you too much, I'd like to ask you not to park your car in front of my house. I don't want to seem like a difficult person. It's just that when you block my exit, I'm late for work, and my boss is very strict with time.
• Hi, Joe. You blocked my exit with your car. Can you park somewhere else?

The second example looks very straightforward, but still does not lose politeness and respect. I have the right to freely drive into my garage and do not have to make excuses or apologize for it.

Assertive communication can feel awkward or rude if you're used to apologizing and making excuses for your boundaries. But if you use a warm tone of voice when speaking, it softens the message and makes assertive communication much more effective.

Make sure you are understood

We can avoid misunderstandings if we make sure that our words are received correctly. Just ask: “Do you understand?”, “Did I make myself clear?” or “Do you have any questions?”

Psychotherapists use the technique of reflective listening, which requires a lot of involvement and seems forced at first, but it is still very effective. It is done like this. After you ask for something, the other person repeats your request in their own words and asks: “Did I understand correctly? Did I miss anything? Then you tell him if he accurately conveyed your words. If not, you gently suggest that he missed or paraphrased incorrectly. Then the interlocutor again tries to accurately describe your request. This is repeated until you feel understood.

Be Consistent

When setting boundaries, we must be consistent and firm, especially with those who resist. Some may express dissent through outrage or passive-aggressive behavior (for example, pretend not to hear you) in the hope that you will fall behind. It is extremely important to stick to your boundaries, especially if you are sure that you have been heard and understood. You may have to redefine your boundaries a few times before the person finally realizes that you are serious and ready for the consequences.

Pay attention to intonation

It's not just what we say, but how we do it. Intonation can completely change the meaning of the words you say. When setting boundaries, we strive for an affable yet firm tone of voice that communicates confidence and receptivity. Shouts give strength and are even necessary when communicating with people who are trying to drown you out or raise their voice. But I repeat: this does not promote perception and cooperation. Basically, people are disconnected from what is happening if they hear screams, sarcasm or rude intonations, because they feel criticism and are offended. A friendly but firm tone of voice works much more effectively.

Choose the right time

It is important to choose the right time to communicate your boundaries. We are overwhelmed by the desire to speak out at a time when we are on edge because of a problem or experiencing a storm of emotions. But if you react impulsively, then, most likely, rudeness will appear and words will fly out that you can later regret. Therefore, unless someone is in immediate danger, it is better to wait, collect your thoughts, work through emotions, and only then clarify your needs and boundaries.

Ideally, choose a moment when both of you are calm, sober, well rested, and not distracted by the TV, phone, other people, or problems.

But in reality, there is no ideal time to discuss personal boundaries, and if you wait too long, you can build up resentments, so choose the moment that you deem more appropriate. Busy couples and families are better off scheduling a meeting time in advance to discuss things like needs, schedules, relationship problems and so on, including borders.

Increasingly, communication is moving to text format. This is convenient, but not as effective for complex or emotionally difficult conversations. When typing messages, we exclude the signals that the body and intonations send. In addition, at the time of online communication, we tend to perform several tasks at once, so the likelihood of misunderstanding increases. So, if you have a hunch that talking about boundaries is going to be difficult, or if you started a conversation via email but realized it went wrong, schedule a private conversation. Even if you are not comfortable talking face to face, you will still achieve better results. If it’s impossible to meet face-to-face, a video or regular call is still much more productive than text messages: when you hear a voice, you can pay attention to the shades of the interlocutor’s intonations.

take it easy

The formation of boundaries can trigger a wave of complex emotions. Being conscious of your feelings (such as fear, anger, or worry) will help you regain your emotional balance, which in turn will help you effectively define your boundaries. Before you outline them, take a short break and observe your thoughts and feelings, even try writing them down. Notice the physical sensations in your body. Are you tense? Heart beats fast? Are you sweating? If so, do one of the exercises below to calm yourself before starting a conversation.

grounding

The grounding technique is a quick and easy way to calm down. It is based on the principles of conscious attention management, when you switch to specific, obvious sensations. You ground yourself in the present moment, stop replaying the past in your head and worrying about the future. Try the mental grounding technique below.

First, rate your level of stress or anxiety on a scale of 1 to 10.

Take a few deep breaths in and out slowly. Then ask yourself the following questions.

• Name five things you see.
• How many outlets are in the room?
• What is the chair or sofa you are sitting on? Is he soft? Rough? Smooth?
• How many green things do you see?
• What smells do you smell?
• Describe the shoes you are wearing in as much detail as possible.
• List three sounds you hear.
• Pick up the nearest item in your hand. What does he feel like? How much does he weigh?

Reassess your level anxiety on a scale from 1 to 10.

If you have 5 points or more, repeat the exercise.

In the future, you can do this exercise mentally without writing down the answers.

In addition, you can do physical grounding exercises. You also need to start and end it with a quantitative assessment of the internal state. The difference is that this time you need to redirect thoughts and feelings through physical influences, such as dipping your hand into a bowl of ice water or holding an ice cube in your fingers and watching your sensations.

Mantras

Mantra is a positive statement you repeat to yourself to feel motivated, inspired, or calm. Read the examples below and then try to write down your options.

• I can handle.
• I am calm and confident.
• I can deal with any situation.
• Asking for what I need is okay.

Other Ways to Soothe Yourself

Circle the activities you would like to try and fill in the spaces with your ideas. Here are some examples.

• Go out for a walk.
• Take a bath or shower.
• Write down your thoughts and feelings.
• Listen to soothing music.
• Do stretching.
• Do self-massage of the shoulders and neck.
• Perform the “square breathing” technique: inhale for four counts, hold your breath for four counts, exhale for four counts, hold your breath again for four counts. Repeat for one to two minutes.
• Put your hand on your heart area. Observe how the chest rises and falls with the breath. Open the chest as wide as possible while inhaling. As you exhale, imagine that all the tension comes out of you, like air from a deflating balloon.
• Think of ten things you are grateful for.
• Chat with your pet.
• …

Phew! We have learned many skills communications More than can be taken in at one time. Do not expect that you will immediately memorize all the techniques and begin to apply them flawlessly in practice. The most important thing is that you keep working on them. Skills will improve with practice!

Compromise and non-negotiable boundaries

When we compromise, we consider both our own needs and those of others. Since this is a mutual process, it evokes positive emotions and gives both people a sense of satisfaction. But compromise is no easy task!

Of course, you can't force the other person to compromise if they don't want to. But you can lead the conversation in such a way that it leads the person to this decision. You can use “I-statements” to start with, but you should also be willing to listen to the other person’s point of view and consider alternative solutions. Here is an example of how the discussion might go simple border.

• I. I get frustrated when you don't tell me you'll be home late, and I wish you would text me next time if you arrive after half past seven. Do you agree?
• Husband. Yes, but I'm so distracted by work matters that I can forget. Can you call me at six and ask what time I'll be home?
• I. No, at six I help the kids with their homework and cook dinner. Could you set an alarm to remind you to text at six thirty?
• Husband. Of course I will.

We looked at an example of a simple low-stakes discussion: none of us felt strong irritation and did not insist on any one solution. However, when we are discussing an important issue (for example, safety or health) or very emotionally reacting to each other, it is much more difficult to reach a compromise.

Define non-negotiable boundaries

We all have boundaries that we are not willing to compromise on, and that's okay. The main thing is not to put too many boundaries into this category, because this can make them too hard or start making idle threats, both of which are counterproductive. Set yourself the task of choosing no more than four or five boundaries that are necessary in your life right now, which will not be subject to discussion. Here are some examples.

• I do not allow products containing peanuts in the house because my daughter has it allergy.
• I will not be in the same room with my stepmother because of her abusive behavior.
• It is forbidden to smoke in my house.
• Knives should always be stowed away in a drawer.

What are your undisputed boundaries?

Now that you know which personal boundaries are non-negotiable, you can discuss others more flexibly and openly. Compromise usually benefits both parties, but be careful not to try to be too accommodating to others. Many people who struggle with personal boundaries confuse compromise with concessions. In the latter option, only one side loses or surrenders, and compromise involves giving and receiving from both sides. When a compromise is truly mutual, it feels good, or at least seems productive. If you often make concessions because of fear of starting a conflict or because of the inability to confidently state your needs, and the other person does not move, then your needs will remain unsatisfied, and you accumulate grievances.

How do you know if you're making concessions or compromises? Your thoughts, feelings and physical sensations will prompt. You'll feel out of place or frustrated, and on some level a sneaky feeling of being taken advantage of will creep up on you.

Describe how you felt when you made concessions in the past, as well as how the other person treated you and how your body responded to what was happening.

If it is difficult to achieve true compromise in a relationship, you can use the following additional phrases.

• How can we work together to meet both your needs and mine?
• I want to find a solution that will benefit both of us.
• If we can both give in a little, then I'm sure we'll come to an agreement.
• I think we have the same goal. We just need to work out the details.
• What will suit you?
• I need... from you. What do you need from me?
• Can we try this, and if it doesn't work, then go back to negotiations?
• I want to hear what you think.
• I need … but I'm willing to listen to your ideas on how I should proceed so that it suits you too.

Preparing ahead of time for difficult conversations will help you negotiate more confidently and more easily.

Practice and Prepare for Effective Boundary Formation

Communication skills are difficult to master and require constant practice. It's okay if you worry because of the need to set boundaries, have difficult conversations and apply new skills. Here are a few tips and techniques for practicing assertive communication and preparing for difficult conversations.

Write a script

One of the best ways to practice creating boundaries is to write a script or just a plan for what and how you want to say. It can include the reaction of the other person that you anticipate. There is no need to strictly adhere to the script. The very process of writing will make you more confident, will eliminate anxious feelings and help to find solutions for possible problems.

Try writing a script for a boundary that you find difficult but needs to be set.

When the script is ready, read it over twice. Read aloud and make any necessary changes. Rehearse it with a trusted friend, or record yourself on a tape recorder to hear how you get on.

Visualize Success

Related to the previous technique is the visualization of success strategy, where you imagine that you have successfully set your boundaries. To do this practice, find a quiet place and close your eyes if that makes you feel more comfortable. Imagine yourself using assertive communication techniques in a conversation and setting a boundary that was hard for you. Where are you at? Who are you with? What are you doing and saying? In what tone do you communicate? What do you feel?

Describe your visualization.

Train with "safe" people

When you learn to set boundaries, don't start practicing right away on the most difficult people in your life. It is better to try it first with "safe" candidates, that is, with accommodating, respectful and interested in your well-being people who, as you think, are ready to treat favorably your requests. Working with such interlocutors, you are sure to successfully negotiate and set the necessary framework, thereby building confidence and motivation. As you get more experienced, you can move on to forming boundaries with difficult people around you.

Who do you consider "safe" people to practice setting boundaries with?

Watch others set boundaries

We can learn a lot from observing other people's attempts to set boundaries. What happens? What doesn't come out? What would we like to repeat ourselves? What would you do differently? Over the next few weeks, pay attention to how people draw boundaries. at work, in friendly companies and grocery stores: how they ask for what they need, how they tell people, what suits them or does not suit them, what intonations and words turn out to be the most effective, and so Further.

What have you learned from watching others set their own boundaries? How will this information help you improve your personal boundary drawing skills?

Reinforce positive reactions

One of the main postulates of behavioral psychology is that people learn and get motivated through positive reinforcement. That is, if you responded positively to someone's behavior, then most likely it will be repeated in the future. Therefore, when a person responds favorably to your restrictions and requests, make sure that he understands this. A smile, a softened expression, phrases such as “I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me", "I know it was difficult and I'm glad we were able to find a solution together", or just an increased amount of time with this man. The form of positive reinforcement you choose will vary with circumstances and people.

What kinds of positive reinforcement are you willing to use when setting boundaries?

Give people time to adjust

If you started setting personal boundaries after years of letting things take their course and agreed to any request, then for others your new behavior will be shocking. They will be confused or angry by the new position, especially if you did not warn that you began to work with the formation of personal boundaries. And yet, most likely, there are only a few people in your life who will resist new limits, and others will support if you explain why you are setting limits and give you time get comfortable.

Consider the example of Joy settling the issue with her sister, Gabby.

• Joy. I want to warn you that I'm about to set healthy personal boundaries. I won't lend my mom any more money and I won't be able to babysit your baby on Mondays from next month. I'm not angry with you, but I do it for myself.
• Gabby. Is it true? And it seems that you just want to leave me!
• Joy. I don't aspire to it. I constantly feel exhausted and anxious. I have debts and I can't take time for my children. I don't think it's right to continue living like this. I have to learn to say no.
• Gabby. Yes, I understand. Mother does not recognize boundaries... And, apparently, I did not succeed much in this either.
• Joy. I know it takes some getting used to, so I'm warning you.

Who should you tell that you are learning to set personal boundaries? What will you tell these people about the changes taking place in you and their cause or causes?

If you're nervous, try writing a script to rehearse this conversation.

Learn to say "No"

It is common knowledge that rejection brings with it a sense of guilt and many try not to. say noso as not to appear rude and selfish. We do not want to hurt other people's feelings or create difficulties for someone, we do not seek to disappoint or anger them. We want to be helpful and accommodating, which is why we say yes (or stay silent) when we really want to say no. And this is quite understandable!

But learning to say “no” is an essential part of forming boundaries.

With it, we protect ourselves from unwanted touches and from agreeing to do things for which we do not have time. It is a fundamental way to assert your needs and independence. So let's look at how you can say "no" in the most friendly way, but at the same time clearly and adamantly.

"I have a rule..."

Patti Brightman and Connie Hatch in the book How to say no without remorse suggest starting with the phrase "I have a rule." It is done like this.

• Chris. Hi, George. My van is being repaired. Can I borrow your car tomorrow?
• George. I'm sorry, I have a rule not to give the car to others.

According to Brightman and Hatch, the phrase "I have a rule" makes refusal less personal because you're saying "no" as a general principle rather than refusing a specific person. In addition, it makes it clear that you carefully weighed everything before you came to such a decision.

Of course, rules can't come from random excuses that you make up in a hurry, feeling pressure from outside. If you want to make it a rule not to lend expensive things to friends, not to drink alcohol on weekdays, or anything like that, then first carefully consider everything and determine your priorities.

What are your priorities? These may include, for example, developing strong family relationships, maintaining physical health, or saving money.

What personal rules would help you protect your priorities?

"I have to think about it"

Do you automatically answer “yes” when asked for help or a favor? Many of us blurt out this answer without thinking. But although with modern speed and the technologization of life, it seems that you have to answer right there, in fact it is not. Even phone calls are rarely urgent. Some people expect a lightning-fast response from you, but usually this is not necessary at all. So, before you agree to take on another duty or provide a favor, first slow down. Give yourself time to consider the request. Look at your schedule and evaluate your priorities before making a decision.

If you are required to respond on the spot, tell the person you are talking to that you need time to consider your options. You can do this with the following phrases.

• I have to think about it.
• I need to check my schedule.
• Not sure yet. I can answer later.

It is quite normal to postpone the decision until later in order to carefully weigh it. But it is important to return to the person and give a clear answer, and not let things take their course. If possible, tell the interlocutor when you will return to him with the answer.

• May I answer tomorrow?
• I want to talk this over with Marley. I'll call you on Friday and let you know my decision.

This approach will help the other person feel respected and appreciated, even if you say no.

Half-truths and lies

Sometimes it's tempting to draw a line on half-truths or lies. To spare a friend's feelings, you can cancel dinner plans with him, citing the child's illness, although in fact, the reason is that you consider the political views of this friend's father completely unacceptable. Or is it easier for you to tell your boss that you were out of town without a connection than to explain why you did not pick up the phone on your day off.

Lying is sometimes appropriate, and in the end, it's up to you to decide if you're comfortable telling lies from time to time. However, don't let yourself rely on it to shy away from difficult conversations, such as setting personal boundaries. Lies can hurt a relationship, especially when they are revealed. Even if the truth is never discovered, lying creates a sense of insincerity and strengthens guilt.

Before using lies to form boundaries, ask yourself the following questions:

• Have I tried being direct and honest about my needs?
• Why yes or why no?
• Do I have the ability to be honest and kind at the same time?
• Will this lie hurt the relationship?
• How do I feel thinking about the need to lie in this situation?

Clue. There are other ways to say no.

• No thanks.
• It doesn't suit me.
• Thank you for remembering me. I'm very sorry that I can't.
• I would love to, but I already have many other tasks.
• Unfortunately, this time I can't.
• I already have plans.
• I'm not interested.
• Maybe next time.
• I wish I could, but I just can't.
• I don't think I'm the right person for this service.
• I'm sorry, but I can't help you this time.
• Sounds great, but I can't afford it right now.
• Now is not the best time.
• I can't take on new projects.
• Sounds interesting, but doesn't align with my priorities.
• Now I am focused on the family, so I do not take on other obligations.
• I'm not good at this, so I have to decline the request.

Sometimes actions are better than words

So far, we have focused on how to communicate your boundaries verbally, but I want to touch on the ability to inform others non-verbally as well. Words are not always the best way to define your boundaries. Sometimes it is necessary to take some action to protect yourself or others when explanations do not help or only make the situation worse. For example, you can get up from the couch and go to the other side of the room if a person sits next to you who demonstrates inappropriate sexual behavior towards you. In this situation, you do not have to explain your action: words can cause embarrassment and conflict that you would not like to enter into.

Try to jump straight into action without explaining your needs and limitations in the following situations.

• You or someone else has been harmed (or is at risk of harm).
• You are dealing with a person under the influence of drugs or alcohol. You are dealing with a person who acts irrationally, dangerously or impulsively.
• You have already informed the person about your boundaries several times before, but he continues to violate them.
• Discussing your boundaries with this person is sure to come to quarreling or assault, you will be accused or shamed, your words will be used against you.

Has there been a person or a situation in your life that you would have been better off not explaining, but defending your boundaries through action? Can you imagine something similar in the future? Describe what happened or what you will do to protect yourself given your newfound knowledge of personal boundaries and their formation. […]

The Power of Personal Boundaries book. Practices that will help build healthy relationships with yourself and others” will come in handy if you want to protect yourself from people who do not respect your interests. Evidence-based guidance to help you learn to say no and take care of your needs and comfort.

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