How to stop snapping at loved ones

This usually happens before we have time to understand what's going on. The irritation that has built up inside all day reaches a peak when someone from the family comes from the store without the bread we asked for. Or one of the children again leaves toys in the living room, although we constantly ask them to be removed. On especially bad days, we get pissed at even the fact that someone is in the same room with us. And now we are already saying or shouting out something sharp, so that only later - on our own or after we are pulled up - to realize that the violent reaction was superfluous and those close to us did not deserve it.

Anger, directed in the wrong direction, can poison the strongest relationships. Not to mention the feelings of shame and regret that begin to devour us when the anger subsides. This does not mean that you need to forbid yourself to be angry. negative emotions can be used as a kind of fuel to push yourself into useful actions, such as setting boundaries with a rude family member or ending a toxic relationship altogether. Anger and anger become a problem when they get out of control, become reactive, and lash out at those around them.

We take out our resentment and irritation on loved ones because we do not have contact with our own feelings. And in order to stop doing this, you need to thoroughly examine your emotions and understand what exactly forces us to speak and act in a certain way.

Imagine a scale of anger from 1 to 10, where 10 is the peak of anger when we are ready to throw chairs out the window. Productive communication is possible when the level of anger is at around 2. However, those who constantly lash out at others do not talk about their feelings until the negative emotions reach the 7 or 8 mark. In this state, it is very easy to say too much and destroy relationships with loved ones.

To understand why we direct our anger at those who do not deserve it, and to break the vicious circle, there are several strategies.

Monitor mental health

Conditions such as depression, anxiety disorder, post-traumatic stressful or borderline personality disorder can play a significant role in misdirected anger situations. Many may berate themselves for taking it out on loved ones and not realizing that they need help. That is why, first of all, it is worth excluding mental disorders from the list of causes.

Even if you don't seem to have tell-tale symptoms, such as feeling hopeless with depression or feeling restless with an anxiety disorder, listen to those around you. If loved ones say that you have become especially irritable lately, think about their words.

Of course, accepting the fact that you have anger issues is very difficult. However, you need to take the first step and admit it first to yourself, and then to your psychologist. If you are unable to contact him immediately, talk to your doctor. It will help you figure out if you have symptoms depression or anxiety disorder, and will refer you to the right specialist.

Identify repetitive patterns of behavior

What made you angry and irritated once will anger and annoy you further. Try to notice what triggers your anger and catch the first signs of an upcoming outbreak, such as chest tightness or a racing heart. This will help you prepare and cope with strong emotions in the future.

For example, if you know that you often “bring” home stress that builds up during work day, ask loved ones to give you 15 minutes of silence and solitude so that you can cope with your feelings. It doesn't matter how you use this time - write down emotions in a diary, listen to soothing music or do breathing exercises. Any variation of this practice will keep you from snapping at dinner and will help you manage your anger better over time.

Another good way to get negative emotions under control is to exercise or go for a walk. Physical activity will splash out irritation and anxiety. Research showthat exercise can relieve symptoms of anxiety and depression.

You can also try cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical behavior therapy with a psychologist. These approaches will help you separate anger and anger from other emotions, understand why certain things cause negative reactions, and strategize for problem solving or setting boundaries.

Determine if irritation is situational

When we are faced with a difficult situation, such as a serious illness, heartbreak, burnout, or a terrible new boss, the emotions that are left unattended find their way out. Unfortunately, sometimes they break out in the form of a sudden angry tirade or a boycott over a mere trifle. This is a defense mechanism that psychologists call bias. When it works, we switch anger from something we can't control to something that feels less scary. For example, for a loved one.

The good news is that situational anger is the easiest to overcome. The first step is to admit that you are not in control of yourself at such times. You are going through a difficult period in your life that makes you think negatively and experience unpleasant feelings. Instead of not being led by your emotions, you need to say to yourself: "I will not fall for this trick and believe that I really am such a person."

Imagine that you are recovering from a complex operation and the constant pain makes you irritable and makes you perceive everything that is happening sharper. For example, small mess The apartment looks like chaos. No matter how much you are to blame for this, you are still angry at loved ones for the fact that they "never clean." But, before making claims, it is worth considering what colors your emotions color this story with. Perhaps you see everything in dark colors because of repressed anger.

In other words, rewrite scripts that make you angry. This will allow you to distance yourself from the desire to make a scandal.

Analyze behavior patterns learned in the family

They largely determine how we deal with different emotions, including anger. When we see that our parents react emotionally for any reason or, conversely, hold back for a long time, and then explode, we subconsciously believe that this is how we should behave, especially in a relationship.

In many families, it is not customary to talk about emotions such as anger, because the most important thing is collective happiness, not individual needs. This leads to the fact that we do not learn to directly express true emotions. For example, we are actually angry with our parents, but we behave with restraint with them, and we take out our discontent on a partner.

If you don't know how to talk about your feelings, start by using "I" instead of "you." For example, you want to be alone for a few minutes after you get back from work. You can say, “When I get home, I need to be alone for a while before I can talk about how my day went. I get lost when I hear so many questions from you at once. Let's talk in 15 minutes. Fine?"

Or, for example, you feel your heart begin to beat faster and you are about to blurt out some kind of rudeness. Take a break and say, “I notice myself getting defensive. Can we start the conversation again? I'll try to choose my words carefully."

It is not necessary to repeat the remarks from the examples verbatim. The most important thing is to use phrases with the pronoun “I” and not shift responsibility and guilt to the interlocutor.

stock up on patience

It takes time and practice to solve the problem of anger directed in the wrong direction. The main goal is to learn how to manage your feelings and express them in a healthy way, and this requires regular practice of the necessary skills with a specialist or on your own.

Try to focus on progress and don't strive for perfection. Life is full of obstacles, so you need to be compassionate with yourself and leave room for different reactions. When you make full contact with your emotions, you will not only feel much better, but you will also strengthen your relationships with those around you.