“Relationships in which the roles are mixed up are very complicated”: 2 stories about what it is like to be friends with parents

People who consider their parents their friends told why such relationships are not always to their liking. They also shared how they would like to fix them.

1. “He said that I didn’t support him at all”

What role did your parents play in your life?

- For a long time, I considered dad to be my friend, and mom - a serious woman who only does what forbids eating cake at night and sends her to bed when she doesn’t feel like sleeping at all.

As a child, I loved spending time with my dad. He came up with an endless number of interesting games. And when we started one of them, a childish passion lit up in him. He actively involved into the game, arguing if something, in his opinion, did not go according to the rules. With mom, classes were calmer and more boring: reading books, cleaning, drawing.

At the age of 14, I said that I didn’t want to be like her: “Dad goes through life easily and does not take on extra responsibility.” Mom burst into tears.

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But everything changed when I left to study at the institute. Then I realized that, in fact, when you are an adult, you have to take on “extra responsibility' just to live a normal life. And she's not as scary as she looks.

I began to realize that my mother’s life strategy, although more difficult, was more effective: she achieved good success at work, led a life and looked good at the same time. Dad, on the other hand, jumped from place to place, could not gain a foothold in the company for more than a year, constantly played computer games and had an alcohol addiction. But at the same time he had zero worries!

I began to communicate more with my mother, became closer to her and began to adopt her views on life.

Did you change roles? For example, have you ever acted like a parent and dad like a child?

- At the age of 10, I began to notice: the constant reason for my parents' quarrels is that dad often drinks. So whenever I saw him reach for the bottle, I would start yelling at him and trying to snatch it out of my hands.

It seemed to me that it was permissible to do this. As if I can really forbid him something, scold him and call him to account. But I don't think he was particularly offended. And he didn't scold me for it.

When I turned 18, my dad and I had more scandals. I persuaded him to go to a psychiatrist-narcologist. I was afraid that everything would get worse if I went to another city: “Dad is so infantile that he certainly can’t cope with his addiction.”

It seemed to me that I was much more responsible and “correct”. It seemed to elevate me above him.

What are the benefits of being friends with parents?

- In childhood and adolescence, my dad and I always had something to talk about talk. He, like me, wrote music. We exchanged tracks and gave each other feedback.

Even now, my dad is one of my main fans, although he does not always know how to express his thoughts correctly. More often he sends his work and asks me to rate it. Probably, we understand each other better, because we are more similar. It's great when a parent trusts you and you are interested in each other!

- What are the disadvantages of friendship with parents?

- I think it's not bad itself friendship, but the lack of support. If people can combine two functions - a parent and a friend, that's cool! But more often than not, it's not possible to balance. As a result, either a relationship with a rigid hierarchy comes out - “I am a father, I order”, or a horizontal friendship, where no one owes anything to anyone.

- How did friendship with a parent influence the formation of your personality?

“I never felt like I could rely on my dad. Once my mother had an accident and for some time was in a coma. Instead of calming me, a small child, he withdrew into himself and constantly walked silently, not paying attention to me. Then he said that I did not support him at all.

In addition, there were many situations when he promised to do something, but in the end did not do it. This was sad. I didn't understand why he couldn't just keep his word? Perhaps because of this, I have problems with trust and delegation of responsibility.

When I turned 18, I clearly decided that I would find a husband who was absolutely not like my dad.

Unfortunately, this is not a very good context for romantic relationship: I tried to get love and care from my partner, which I did not see in the family. Until now, I catch myself thinking that I am looking for a partner - “daddy”.

It was hard for me to get through separation. And I'm not sure it's over. Sometimes I'm afraid that I'm dad's only friend and he'll get drunk without me.

How is your relationship going now?

- Now my dad is more like a friend or a good friend to me, with whom you can talk warmly. The role of a father is hardly suitable for him, and as a friend he has discredited himself. Sometimes communication with him is a one-sided game. Sometimes it seems that he only needs my ears to talk about his problems.

But now we have a trusting relationship with my mother. She has parental authority. Mother — my support and support. I would like my child to feel the same way about me.

2. "Hanging Together"

What role did your parents play in your life?

- Dad is a parent-parent. He always protected and protected me. For the most part, it was he who made money in our family, provided for me, and also, for example, scolded for bad grades. The typical "parent" stuff always came from him.

Mom is a parent friend. However, this is not a horizontal relationship. Child-parent friendship remains hierarchical. There is a feeling that you are friends with the coolest girl in school and behind the scenes you understand: you can’t be cooler than her. She is the best. In friendly relations with my mother, I always felt some kind of ceiling, above which it would not be possible to rise.

Did you change roles? For example, have you ever acted like a parent and your mom acted like a child?

- I think yes. Relationships in which mixed up roles, very complex. The hardest part is listening to one parent complaining about the other. It feels like you are being pulled into a conflict.

Mom complains about dad like a girlfriend complains about her boyfriend, but the situation is completely different! You understand that this is about your family. Probably, in such situations, I felt the shift of roles the most.

What are the benefits of being friends with parents?

— I understand that my family is better than most of the others. The relationship of some other parents and daughters seems strange to me. For me, for example, it’s wild when I hear that there may be nothing to talk about with my mother: “I mean, you don’t go to a bar together and discuss your relationship with her?” On the one hand, it's cool to have mother friend. On the other hand, of course, there are also disadvantages.

- What are the disadvantages of friendship with parents?

Before I went to psychotherapy, in my head everything was black and white: my mother is good, my mother is a friend; dad is angry, dad swears.

Every time the psychologist asked me about my family, I experienced powerful aggression. She immediately interrupted him and said: “I don’t have any problems in the family. Don't even try to look for them." The defense mechanism worked.

Probably, I was very afraid that the psychologist would say something bad about my parents, especially about my mother.

But we must give him his due: he is still got to the point. Before, I didn’t see the problem with my mom acting like a friend to me. I was sure that everyone had this, and I thought it was very cool. Yes, there were some things that sometimes made me feel uncomfortable, but then I didn’t understand why.

The surging awareness blew my mind. I realized that I lack parental care and guardianship. Sometimes there are thoughts: “Damn, I don’t want to hang out with my mom. I want her to hug me and take pity on me.” At certain times you don't need a parent-friend, you need a parent-parent. Mom couldn't give it to me because she wasn't used to this role.

Another negative aspect I saw was that a parent-friend is more likely to project their emotions onto you. A parent-parent who has only the function of a mother or father, most likely, will once again straighten himself out, observing subordination.

For example, my dad may be in a bad mood, but he will not load me with his problems. He will simply make it clear that he is not in the mood for communication right now. That's probably why dad seems to me more emotionally stable man.

And with mom a constant swing. I can call her one day and get a lot of support, and then the next, when I feel very bad, hear: “You are not the only one, I feel bad too.”

- How did friendship with a parent influence the formation of your personality?

These relationships have had a huge impact on my personality. As a child and teenager, there were no rules for me: I could go anywhere and do whatever I wanted. Nobody would stop me.

Probably because of the lack of discipline, many things are missing in my life now. I could sign up for any circle and leave on the same day! On the one hand, it’s cool when you have so much freedom, on the other hand, I think because of this I didn’t manage to develop perseverance.

I wouldn't want to be pressured, but it would be great if my mom asked at least once: “Are you sure you want to leave? Are you sure about this?" Then perhaps I would have thought it over more carefully and said, “No.” Now I sometimes lacks discipline and firmness.

With age, I become more and more like my mother - especially in the field of interests.

Recently I found a box of letters from my mother - she wrote them at my age when she lived in Italy. It felt like I wrote them now. Mom speaks my language, pays attention to the same things and even writes like me!

It's funny, just recently she told me that when I was born, she tried very hard not to make the mistakes of my grandmother. But then I realized: she does not commit them, but she does her own.

I really want children and think a lot about what kind of relationship I will have with them. I would like to try to keep the middle between motherhood and friendship. So far I don't understand how to do it. Probably, I will go to a separate course of therapy in order to understand this at least a little and secure the future person!

How is your relationship going now?

- Now my relationship with my mother is not very stable, but still friendly. We talk a lot, we walk. The way I perceive our connection can be described by the phrase "hang out together."