What is win-win thinking and how it can help build trust in relationships

The publishing house "Alpina Publisher" published the book "Happy Union". Its authors are Stephen and Sandra Covey, who have lived together for over 50 years, as well as Sandra's brother John and his wife Jane. The book describes seven skills that help couples improve relationships. We're publishing an excerpt on Habit Four - Building Confidence.

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John: Habit 4 is the ability to think win-win: not “I won, you lost,” but “we both won.” What is the essence of such mutually beneficial thinking? When couples think win-win, they seem to be saying, “I want the best for you and for me.” Remember that the loss of any member of the union is the loss of the relationship as a whole.

Jane: Skill 4 is related to the arrangement of relationships. This is a kind of bank account, only emotional: every day, “funds” either come there (and you invest them) or are debited.

Let's look at the movement of emotional funds in the account of Sheri and LeJuan, who have been together for 15 years.

Saturday, 8:00. Sheri calls: "Good morning, dear, I made your favorite cheese omelet."
8:15. "Lejuan, I washed your socks and t-shirts. They lie on the bed."
8:25. “Your parasite brother called again. He probably wants to cheat us again for money. Why are you just letting him do it?
9:00. “Kaley has a football game at noon today. It would be great if you came for a change - if, of course, you are not very busy with football on TV.

And now the day is drawing to a close.

17:30. “Thank you for washing my car. What a pleasant surprise, LeJuan."
17:35. "Did my mom call me? Well, thank you very much for not saying.
18:00. “Offering family dinner at the restaurant? You are a good father".
21:30. “Turn off your damn match, LeJuan. You don't see anything but football."
22:00. “Again, you made the whole floor with cans and plates. What a slob you are. What am I, a servant? Until I yell, it won’t come?

If you were LeJuan, what would you think at the end of the day about your relationship? Is it thick or empty? Are expenses more than income?

Emotional score is a mirror of relationship quality

Now think about your partnership. Do you regularly invest emotional funds into the account of your husband or wife (partner) or just withdraw them from there? Do your words and actions add trust to your relationship or take it away?

Remember, for a partnership to be sustainable, there must be at least five deposits for every withdrawal of emotional funds.

Sometimes we, thinking that we are investing emotional funds and that the partner perceives it the same way, unwittingly empty his account.

Let's take a look at Julia and Al. They have been married for three years and have a small child. […] Julia felt that it was time for them to go somewhere together, and planned a three-day tour to California with a good hotel. The child was left with the grandmother. Two weeks after returning home, Julia accidentally overheard Al on the phone with her brother:

Remember when we went to California? We had a great rest together, but how I waited to finally return home.

When Al hung up the phone, Julia asked indignantly:

"So you've been looking forward to coming back?" She almost cried. “How did it even come to your mind?”

“I'm sorry, Julia, but listen to what this trip looked like for me. The first morning you say, “Al, this tour is for you, what do you want to do?” I say, "Let's swim and take a walk on the beach." And you told me: “Oh, no, I don’t like Sun, it's bad for the skin, let's go shopping." "Okay," I sigh. Then you ask, "Where do you want to have dinner tonight, Al?" I've been shopping all day, here and say, "How about a nice dinner at a Mexican restaurant?" And you: “No, no, I want soup and salad bar. - "OK then". Sunday morning: "What would you like to do today, Al?" Me: "Play golf, nine holes." You: "Oh, no, probably better for a baseball game." - "OK then". Honey, you asked me every day what I wanted to do, and then we did what you wanted. I'm good with you, but...

"Why didn't you tell me?" Julia wept.

“Because you planned it, and I love you and wanted to please you.

“How could this happen? Julia asked herself. — What went wrong? I thought it was the perfect trip." Julia thought the tour was a great investment in Al's emotional balance, but instead withdrew funds from him.

Why does it happen? Who decides what replenishes his emotional account - the depositor or the recipient? Of course, the recipient. Julia planned this tour for Al, assuming that he likes the same thing as her: salads and shopping. So find out what your partner considers a contribution, and tell them what you consider them to be.

John: Most couples have a pretty good idea of ​​how to invest emotionally in their partner's account, but sometimes they can confuse income with expenses. Speak in a way that both of you can easily get to the point. Sometimes it’s enough just to say: “Honey, what would you like? Now I'll tell you what I like." This requires spending a little time - and listening carefully until you understand.

What is the deposit and withdrawal of emotional funds?

Emotional deposits build and restore trust, while withdrawals destroy it. Here are some examples:

Describe a recent time your partner invested in your emotional account. What was the contribution? How did you feel?

When you've completed this list, share it with a partner—and ask him (or her) to share his with you.

[…]

Jane: Carlotta and Willem also have some difficulties. Let's see how these spouses operate - according to the "win-win" scheme or the "win-lose" scheme.

Willem and Carlotta have been together for 22 years. They have no children, they live in a big city. One day Carlotta said to her husband:

Don't you dare invite me to parties your firm. I don't like your partners, I have nothing in common with their wives, and unmarried ones are even worse.

Willem replied:

“Carlotta, this is very important to me.

- No, I've had enough.

Willem realized that his wife was serious.

Two hours later he offered:

“Listen, Carlotta, let’s buy ski passes in the winter and go skiing down the mountains a few times over the weekend.

— Willem, go with your brother. You know I hate the cold and don't want to ski anymore.

After a while, the wife said:

“Listen, Will, I have a subscription to the symphony orchestra, and Anna cannot go with me. Come with you? Four concerts, one per month.

“No,” Willem replied. - If I have to spend that kind of money, I'd rather go to basketball. Go with someone else.

These spouses operate on a win-lose basis.

Consider both someone else's and your own winnings

High-performing marriages are built around an abundance paradigm: everyone wins. For relationships to be healthy, you need to think in the spirit of win-win, which requires courage and sensitivity in equal measure.

What do you think happens to relationships when you think win-win? Their whole culture is changing. Instead of thinking, "What's best for me?" you think, "What's best for us?"

If a partner considers a defeat what is a victory for you, the relationship as a whole loses from this - which means you lose too.

You can also think like this: “I want my partner to win in everything: I need to live where it is convenient for him, do what he likes,” but this is also not great. Both should win. It’s much healthier to think like this: “I also want to win, the win-lose scheme is not for me.”

Therefore, we must listen to each other, share, negotiate - and this takes time, patience and practice. But the game is worth the candle: it can save Your relationship. “I can’t know where you like to go on vacation, what matches you want to go to, what to spend money on. And you won't know that about me unless we talk and listen to each other with the firm intention of understanding."

John: When I strive for you to win in something, I kind of say: "I love you, you matter." When you seek to know what is advantageous for me, you answer: "I care about you, and I want you to be happy." This is what it means to strive for win-win in marriage.

Win-win thinking supports the benefits of an equal partnership in marriage, a relationship in which neither partner dominates the other.

Practice Skill 4

Let's put skill 4 to the test.

We guarantee that by thinking in terms of "win-win" and not "win-lose", "lose-win" or even just "won", you will make better decisions that will bring more happiness to both you and your home.

“Win-Win” Thinking

A win-win situation occurs when all its participants define it as a win-win situation for themselves and others. Winnings can be recorded in […] a two-column table.

We will be guided by the quote:

Think of a situation in which you are not getting the results you want. Determine what would be beneficial for you. Ask about the same partner.

Describe the situation.

What will be the win for you? What will be the benefit for the partner?

The book "Happy union. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective Couples will be useful for those who are in a relationship and want their trust and mutual respect to not weaken over the years. From it you will learn how to go through life's trials and not destroy, but, on the contrary, strengthen the connection with your partner.

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