“Maybe I need to become a mom a little too?”: how mentors for orphans live

A mentor is a volunteer who once a week comes to the orphanage to his ward and spends time with him: walking, talking, taking him to cafes and cinema.

One of the organizations that prepares people for such work is “Older Brothers Older Sisters». Thanks to her, more than 400 pairs of mentors and their wards were created.

We talked to the volunteers and found out how they decided on this experience, what difficulties arose in the process and what changed in their lives with the advent of “adoptive brothers and sisters”.

"My mission is to expand the child's field of view"

How did you decide to become a mentor?

— In my case, the desire to volunteer did not come from the fact that I lacked something. I have a full, interesting life, healthy relationships with others. I don't think if it wasn't for all of that, I wouldn't have made it. Only by being strong and full can you give something to a child.

After I submitted my application, I was immediately contacted and invited for an interview. And then I went through a two-day training for mentors.

Every day we worked with curators for 8 hours. They talked about how to communicate with a child, what problems we may encounter and how to solve them.

Then, based on my psychological portrait and interests, the curator selected a suitable pair for me. A certain rule applies here: you are not shown photographs of the child and are not allowed to listen to his voice until a face-to-face meeting.

The first acquaintance occurs through the curator. He calls and tells about your potential ward: what are his interests, what character, what history.

The moment I was contacted, I felt responsible for the first time.

If I see the child, I won’t be able to leave the program anymore - this is the main rule.

Therefore, it was necessary to ask as much as possible about the pair that you were matched with.

Tell me about your ward.

- At the age of 3, Mira ended up in an orphanage. She was adopted by a new family, with whom she moved to another city. She lived with foster parents for 10 years, but then returned to the orphanage again.

Now Mira is 16 years old. She studies in the 9th grade, studies in a theater studio, draws, plays the guitar and violin. She is a very talented and creative girl.

Mira looks like a normal teenager. He likes to do makeup and dye his hair in bright colors: pink, green, blue. Describes himself as "deadside». In my school years, it was called "emo"!

How was your communication?

- Children in the orphanage really lack love, affection and care. When you become their mentor, they think they can get it all from you without fail. So, a child can start calling 10-20 times a day. Therefore, it is very important to immediately mark your boundaries. But I was lucky in this regard. Mira didn't try to use me emotionally. We have a successful couple.

Perhaps it would be more difficult for me to communicate with Mira if it were not for the support of the curator. He is a super help. When I came to the organization, I was not left alone with the child and his problems. If there were any questions, “Mira behaved like this. What should I do?" or “We have such a situation. Tell me how to resolve it? - I could always contact the curator.

At first, I did not understand how to communicate with Mira. I did not know what she wanted and how I should react to some of her actions. Fortunately, I managed to find a way. I constantly asked questions: “Are you comfortable? What can I do for you?"

Now we have a close relationship. Children from orphanages are quite closed, but Mira trusts me to the maximum. She tells a lot of personal things.

Most of all, she is concerned about relationships with people - with friends, sisters, brothers, mom and dad, boys. She often asks me for advice on how to behave with others, how to find her place in life.

Now, for example, Mira has decided to go to college after 9th grade and become a doctor. It seemed strange to me - after all, she was always interested in creativity. But in any case, I will help her realize herself. With the facilitator, we discuss how best to talk to the child in order to help him highlight his strengths and weaknesses.

- How do you spend time together?

- According to the rules of the program, you must meet with your youngest once a week and spend with him for 5-7 hours maximum. In addition to the summer months - during this period they leave for children's camps.

In this case, you always need to write an application for exit and provide the administration with a schedule for your trip. The child must be returned strictly by a certain time. In the orphanage everything is very strict.

At the training, we were told that children from the orphanage can manipulate. Some may ask for money. But I don't feel that Mira is using me.

It is clear that I pay for all our joint trips somewhere out of my own pocket. But here the organization has certain rules: children cannot be given expensive present and drive to luxurious restaurants.

You need to understand yourself and make it clear to the child: your communication is valuable not because of money, but because of the time that you spend with each other. You can easily find some free entertainment that will give you vivid emotions!

For example, once I took Mira to the market. It was a completely new experience for her. She chose the tomatoes herself! And I was as happy as possible when we cooked food together. Soon I want to take her to my place of work so that she can see how the filming is going.

How did this experience affect you?

“Being a mentor is a cool and interesting experience. I believe that my mission is to expand the scope of the child. Each of us lives in our own comfortable world. But outside of it, there are many things that we do not know about. I try to make Mira see that there is something more beyond her usual vision.

At the same time, I am also changing. Now I have become more responsible for my decisions.

Every action has consequences - this rule is more relevant than ever.

I learned to listen to other people better. The desire to have children of my own intensified. Yes, it will be difficult. You need to adapt to the child and make compromises. But it's a cool and interesting move.

I hope that I will participate in the program next year as well (the contract with a volunteer is for a year, after which he can leave the program. — Approx. ed.). It would be ideal to communicate with Mira further, even after she turns 18 years old.

But anything can happen. I would not want to make too big plans for the future. What's happening now is cool. If something changes, we will adapt.

“If you don’t learn to protect personal boundaries, she will grow up to be a manipulator”

How did you decide to become a mentor?

“I have always loved children. I remember an incident from my childhood. I go with my mother from kindergarten and tell her: “I will grow up and be a nanny!” She besieged me: “Watch the series! You won't work for an oligarch like Vika Prutkovskaya! Babysitting is hard work."

When I went to study psychologist, this story surfaced. I realized that I like working with children. But in the end my career took a different path. Now I am a clerk in a construction company.

Information about mentoring came across to me by chance. I thought a lot about whether I should join this program. I decided in the end on emotions. Therefore, at that moment, responsibility did not frighten me. It was only later that I realized that it was more difficult than it seemed.

Tell me about your ward.

— My ward is 8 years old. She loves to draw and loves puppet theater. She has 6 brothers and sisters, with whom they all ended up in an orphanage together.

On the one hand, Katya is a child: toys, gifts, Wishlist. On the other - a typical nanny. There are four of her younger siblings in the group. She cares for everyone, helps educators.

Once she begged me for candy with an excuse: “This is not for me. I need to somehow reassure the brothers.

Katya has leadership qualities, she thinks sensibly and maturely. At our first meeting, the curator asked her: “Why do you need a mentor? Why do you want to get into this program? She said: “Walk. Just walk." It is clear why she wants to break out of the orphanage.

How was your communication?

- When I went to the orphanage with the curator, she said: “Katya is a quiet, closed girl. You have to take the initiative, you understand? Your job is to unleash it."

But in the end, only Katya spoke at the meeting. I was silent, afraid to say the wrong thing. The curator was very surprised: “She behaves completely differently with you!”

At first, I did not know how to react to some words of the child. For example, once Katya asked me: “Why do people drink alcohol?” I don’t remember what I said, but she continued: “That’s when my mother drank energy drinks, she became so dumb. Ha-ha!” I didn't know what to say. Children often ask difficult questions, and here the help of the curator is very useful.

I also have problems protecting personal boundaries. I'm trying to work on it, but sometimes it's not easy, especially if Katya asks for some things.

One day, for example, she said, “Do you know what the Lalafanfan duck is?” She answered: "No." She took the phone from me and found it: “I would love to get it for my birthday!” In general, I ordered this duck.

I share problems with the curator. She gives me advice on how to resist the manipulation of the child. Once she said something that really motivated me: “You are her mentor. You do not teach her to live, but show it by example. If you don't learn to defend personal boundariesshe will grow up to be a manipulator.”

I realized that I have a big responsibility. It didn't get any easier for her. But I started doing it more often.

- How do you spend time together?

We mostly walk. Sometimes we go to entertainment places. She, for example, liked the anti-cafe with rabbits and cats. This is interesting.

For me, going to an anti-cafe with hedgehogs would be more interesting. But Katya hasn't seen cats that often in her life. She was delighted with them! She liked to play with them.

Katya loves animals, so we have plans to visit the zoo and Moskvarium.

I haven't brought her home with me yet. I worry that I will become even more attached this way, and it will be more difficult for me to refuse Katya something. I'm afraid of such close contact.

Throughout the history of the program, mentors have adopted children several times. But I set clear rules for myself. I am Katya's friend, mentor, elder, whom you can rely on.

Now I'm afraid to look to the future. Most likely, I will continue to work with Katya. But I'm probably not ready to start this journey again with another child.

How did this experience affect you?

“Mentoring is a great experience. I realized that having children is a much bigger responsibility than I imagined. The desire to start them has not decreased, I just realized that I need to better prepare for their appearance. Thinking about taking courses first aid.

The purpose of my participation in the program was to gain experience of interacting with children without disturbing my standard life. And I did it completely.

“Anna “taught” me how to cook”

How did you decide to become a mentor?

“I have always been interested in working with children. By first education I am a specialist in taxation. The second received in the psychological and pedagogical direction. I began to realize myself in this area in my spare time from my main job.

I went to orphanages, but I understood that this was the format of bread and circuses.

You come, entertain the guys. With you - clowns, sweets. And then you leave, and you have no contact with the children. I knew it was wrong in some way.

Then I accidentally stumbled upon the information that there are mentoring projects, I read about the “Big Brothers of the Big Sisters”. I realized that this is what I'm really interested in. There was no fear.

Tell me about your ward?

- When I passed the selection, the curator told me: “There is a girl Anya. She is 13 years old. She is new to an institution and needs support.” At first, it was difficult for Anya to get used to life in the orphanage. There was a desire to run away.

I agreed to meet her. We were introduced and given some time to talk alone. I don’t remember what we talked about, but it was comfortable.

A few months later, foster parents were found who took Anya away. When she was in the family, we only corresponded. But then she again ended up in an orphanage. I felt responsible for her, so I returned to the project.

Anna is now 16 years old. She went to college to be a logistician. We have a lot in common with her. She also likes to walk and talk. Anya always seemed to me conscious. Even at the age of 13, she spoke very sensibly about human relationships and losses.

How was your communication?

- We easily found a common language with Anya. For this, thanks to the curators who select couples. At general meetings, I often hear from the guys that they "coincidentally with their younger ones."

I try to be for Anya something like an older sister, a comrade with whom you can go somewhere and talk. Sometimes I think that I need to contact more often with her educators, teachers, help in study.

I listen to other volunteers and see that they are more involved in the daily life of the child, taking on some of the maternal function. Maybe I need to become a mother a little? But I understand that this is not my format.

Between me and Anya there is a distance - like between friends or sisters. We do not violate each other's personal boundaries.

We rarely correspond. At first it bothered me. I thought maybe she wasn't interested in talking to me. But now I realize that this is normal. I don't text my friends every day either.

I think in the future we will communicate in the same format. The only difference is that we will be more free to choose our pastime. Maybe even go somewhere together.

- How do you spend time together?

- We walk in parks, go to the cinema, cafes, to my house. Were in the anti-cafe, on the rink, in the bowling alley. I remember how we cooked food together.

I don't usually cook. But thanks to Anna, the stove started working in my kitchen. We had several meetings when she chose a recipe, we bought the necessary products together, and then she completely managed the process. So Anya “taught” me how to cook.

I also remember how the year before last I gave her skates. The guys and other volunteers and I went to the skating rink together. They did better than me. I was constantly behind. And after one of the hikes, my neck actually hurt. I realized that it was time to tie the skating rink. But I didn’t want to deprive Anya of pleasure, so I decided to give her skates so that she could skate with friends. Anna was very happy!

She also makes me gifts: more often - made with her own hands.

How did this experience affect you?

— I believe that mentoring projects are among the most effective. One-time visits to the orphanage, showering children with gifts is not exactly what they need. A child may have a lot toys, but he will lack participation, love and attention. Therefore, it is important for me that there is a personal approach and the opportunity to build long-term relationships.

The main thing is not to have high expectations. Many volunteers who come to the project think that they are heroes, saving the lives of children. I also had that feeling. But then I realized that it would not be possible to radically change the life of another person.

You can only make some contribution to it, and then he will decide for himself whether to accept it or not. Don't expect to see immediate changes in your child's behavior.

This project teaches to accept, love and support others for who they are, unconditionally.