What to do if you are afraid of becoming parents: 5 popular fears and tips on how to deal with them
Miscellaneous / / April 05, 2023
Why it's okay to be afraid
Children inevitably change a couple's life: they require attention, revision of habits, daily routine and family budget. But it is difficult to imagine what exactly awaits the family after the appearance of a new person in it, especially when it comes to the first-born. You can try to form a picture, focusing on images from popular culture, the experience of friends and relatives. But there is no guarantee that everything will go according to the same scenario.
It is not necessary to put up with anxiety from the unknown: any fear can really be worked out on your own or with the help of specialists. It is especially important to do this if the birth of children is included in your plans. Otherwise, prejudices can prevent them from being realized.
How to deal with fears
Fear number 1. I can't provide for a child
The appearance of children really affects the family budget. It will need to be distributed not for two, but for at least three people. Moreover, during the period of maternity leave, the level of income will decrease. All this can put pressure on parents and force them to exaggerate the scale of the problem. In fact, everything is not so scary. For example, expensive things and toys can be abandoned - their cost and appearance are not important to children. In addition, there are several ways to strengthen the financial condition.
How to cope
To begin with, it is worth discussing and considering the family budget in advance, for example, for a year. Calculate how much money you will need for diapers, diapers, baby care cosmetics and other necessary things. If there are parents among your friends, consult with them. It's great if they experienced this experience quite recently - it means that the memories are still fresh and they remember the current prices. The creation of a financial cushion will also benefit - it will be possible to turn to it in case of emergency expenses. Plus, you can consider finding an additional source of income that does not require much time and effort. For example, some kind of side job on the Internet or monetization of a hobby.
It is possible to save on large expenses, such as a crib or stroller, using online platforms with ads. In the same place in the first years of a child's life, you can buy shoes and warm clothes. They are usually in good condition, because children grow up quickly and do not have time to wear them out.
Explore existing government support measures and use all the resources available to you and your family. For example, in 2023, young parents can expect:
- On maternity allowance. It paid during a vacation of the same name. The allowance for childbirth without complications ranges from 74,757.20 to 383,178.60 rubles for 140 days. Important: in order to receive a payment, you must provide a sick leave, in fact, at this time you cannot even work part-time.
- One-time allowance at the birth of a child - 23 011 rubles. Get all families can do it, regardless of income. For working parents, it is assigned proactively, while the unemployed can apply for benefits from next year at the Social Fund of Russia.
- Benefit for caring for a child up to 1.5 years. It equals 40% of the average salary, but not more than the established maximum, which is indexed annually. In 2022, the maximum allowance amount was 31,282.82 rubles per month, in 2023 - 33,281 rubles. It can be received by mom, dad, grandmother, grandfather - any adult relative who will be tasked with caring for a child.
- Universal Benefit. A new format of state support, which unite multiple payments. It will take effect on January 1 and will be available to families from the period of a woman's pregnancy until the child turns 17. The universal allowance includes payments for early registration in the antenatal clinic, child care allowance for unemployed parents, monthly payments for a child up to three years old (regardless of its order) and a number of others benefits. The measure is designed not only to simplify the process of obtaining state support, but also to expand it. For example, for early registration, women will receive 50, 75 or 100% of the regional subsistence minimum, depending on income.
- Monthly payments in the amount of one subsistence minimum for children. Its size depends on the region. This support also available families in which the average per capita income is less than two regional subsistence minimums.
Monthly payments appeared at the initiative of the national project "Demography». His merit is the availability of maternity capital for all parents. Since 2020, a certificate is issued for the first child. In 2022 for the first child was supposed to 524.5 thousand rubles; for the second, third and subsequent - 693 thousand (if there was no right to mother capital before). The size is indexed every year: in 2023 the amount want to increase up to 589.6 thousand for the first child and up to 779.1 thousand for the next.
To obtain a certificate for maternity capital, you do not need to write applications and collect documents. It is formed proactively and will appear in your personal account on the Gosuslug portal after birth registration. You can use the funds, for example, to pay for the education of children, the formation of a funded pension for mothers or the purchase of housing. And the program will help to expand living space profitably family mortgage. According to it, a loan is available at a preferential rate - up to 6% per annum.
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Fear number 2. I will be a bad parent
This feeling can arise for various reasons. For example, you yourself still feel like a child, so you are not sure that you will cope with a new level of responsibility. Another option is that your mental state seems to be not stable enough and you are afraid that this will affect the experience of parenthood. Or you are sure that you are not savvy enough in the matter, and you think that you will be ready for the appearance of a new member families, only when you have mastered the intricacies of childcare in as much detail as possible and have studied all existing approaches to education. Each of these fears can be overcome.
How to cope
Fear of responsibility and other internal barriers can be discuss with loved ones, such as a spouse, parents or friends. Share your feelings and try to find support - the realization that you will not enter a new stage of life alone can in itself drive away some of the anxieties. It is also useful to remember that there are no perfect people and you have the right to make mistakes. What matters is how you fix them. But if the conversations did not help or the fears are much deeper than ordinary prejudices, it is worth working through them with a psychologist. A specialist will help you get to the source of the problem and tell you how to get rid of harmful installations.
If the cause of anxiety lies in the lack of a theoretical base, try to upgrade your skills by reading specialized books and websites or attending courses for future parents. For example, it helps to find answers to important questions of parents and those who want to become parents, the portal "raising children.rf». Here, professional psychologists and teachers will consult for free on the development, upbringing and education of children. At the same time, it is worth accepting the fact that it is unrealistic to prepare for absolutely everything and some issues will have to be resolved already in the process of growing up children.
Fear number 3. The child will have congenital diseases
Such concerns are understandable. Congenital diseases such as malformations of the heart or neural tube exist, as do the risks of complications during childbirth. But instead of emotion, arm yourself with facts: many of the health problems can be warn through preventive measures and careful management of pregnancy.
How to cope
The first thing to remember is that the condition of the unborn child depends on the health of the parents. A healthy lifestyle and avoiding bad habits can reduce risks and reduce fears. In addition, various genetic tests can be done that will show the couple's predisposition to hereditary diseases. Perhaps you don’t have it and you worry in vain.
After deciding to expand the family, it is worth consulting with a specialist. Planning, including the delivery of tests, ultrasound and other checks, will allow you to identify possible problems at an early stage and find solutions to them. Examination is important not only for the expectant mother, but also for the father. Based on the results, the specialist will be able to advise preventive measures that will reduce the risks. It will probably take time to improve performance, so it is advisable to start planning a pregnancy at least 3-4 months before conception.
After the start of pregnancy, it is important not to miss consultations and scheduled check-ups: they allow specialists to notice deviations from the norm and advise how to correct them. If the excitement is strong, you should think about a more detailed observation: consult with experts more often and monitor any slightest changes.
To make yourself even less anxious, find out about all the specialists nearby in advance: read reviews, look at the experience, consult with women who have recently given birth - choose the one to whom you can completely trust. With childbirth, the story is the same: carefully study all the maternity hospitals and stop at where you feel comfortable - a birth certificate allows choose.
Fear number 4. I can't keep the child safe
Insidious bacteria, sharp corners, busy roads - there are enough dangers in the world. Worrying about this is normal. This is another indicator that you are a responsible and caring parent. But so that anxiety does not develop into a paralyzing fear, you need to accept that it is simply impossible to control everything.
How to cope
Think about what questions you can solve and what you can't. For example, it will not work to defeat bacteria and viruses. It is impossible to achieve laboratory sterility at home, so children will encounter germs anyway. But it is quite possible to turn an apartment into a safe place for a child. It is not necessary to deploy a full repair for this. Look around and adapt the space: cover sharp corners with nozzles, buy a rubber bath mat, end caps for sockets, blockers for cabinets and windows, a special screen that hides the stove controls, and use other protective mechanisms.
Fear number 5. With the advent of the child, my personal life will end
The child needs attention and care. Because of this, there is a feeling that life after childbirth will revolve only around him. It seems that you will have to put an end to entertainment, romance will disappear in relationships and you will need to give up your career. But all this can be avoided if you approach parenthood prepared.
How to cope
"Parent" is a new status that is added to the personality, and does not displace or erase the rest. This must be remembered. And learn to find a balance between different areas of life. For example, if you are worried that children will affect the relationship in a couple, try to deal with the crisis through trusting dialogue within the family. Do not hide feelings from your loved one, make time for romance, or study parenting and care together. Over time, on the other hand, sharing parenting experiences can take your relationship to the next level.
In order to have time in the schedule for both showing feelings and having fun, you can look for a nanny or ask relatives to sometimes sit with the child. The same applies to your career: if you feel that it is unbearably difficult for you to be without a job, find support and try to get out of maternity leave earlier. And if you don’t want to leave your child for a long time, find out about the possibilities of remote work with a free schedule or sign up for online courses. This will allow you not to lose your skills and get out of the decree as a sought-after specialist.
It is real and without extra expenses to pump a career on maternity leave. In this, young mothers are helped by the national project "Demography». Thanks to him, women who are on parental leave, or unemployed, but with children under the age of 7, can go through various educational programs for free. Among the courses there are many popular areas, in particular Python development, 3D modeling and targeting. Registration for training is carried out online through the portal "Russia's work».
You can also enroll your child in a nursery. Thanks to the national projectDemography» There are more of them in Russia: 228,000 places for young children have been created over the four years of the implementation of the national project. You can register your child online through the State Services portal.
Boost your career on maternity leave