How to be kinder to yourself and others

Why you should be kinder

In the modern world, personal gain and material wealth are often praised. At the same time, kindness can bring much more benefits.

Kindness increases feelings of well-being

Kindness and compassion towards oneself implies the ability to refrain from harsh criticism, be aware of your human nature and its imperfection, do not suppress negative emotions and do not get stuck in them.

This attitude gives a sense of well-being and has the same benefits for psychological comfort as high self-esteem. Moreover, unlike the latter, self-kindness does not depend on success and achievement, does not require self-affirmation and comparison with others. In other words, it is a more stable positive feeling that is not broken by failure.

There are 23 scientific papers in the meta-analysis confirmedthat kindness and compassion developed through meditation greatly increase life satisfaction.

Kindness builds healthy relationships

In one experiment figured out: Participants who show more kindness and compassion to themselves have more positive interaction with a partner, moreover, regardless of self-esteem and type of attachment.

At the same time, warm relations and social support in general increase feeling of well-being, reduce the risk of disease and prolong life. According to scientists, this is because communication reduces stress and helps regulate the immune response.

It's nice to be kind

In one study checkedwhat was going on in people's brains when they did a good deed - anonymously donated to charity. It turned out that during this act, the participants activated the reward system - a series of structures that turn on when something pleasant happens.

In another scientific work notedthat people are more comfortable spending money on others than on themselves. This makes them happier, both in the short and long term.

Being kind is good for your health

There are 22 scientific papers in the meta-analysis calculatedthat loving-kindness and compassion meditation, aimed at developing these qualities, is good for depression and increases the level of positivity in people's lives. Such practices are effective reduce stress levels and improve mental health, as well as help fight inflammation in the body.

In one research tested how personal well-being and helping others affect the levels of cytokines, substances that indicate the presence of inflammation in the body.

The 122 participants were given questionnaires designed to determine what type of happiness they were seeking—simply personal pleasure or compassion, altruism, purpose, and meaning. As a result, those who care less about themselves and more about others had fewer cytokines.

Since the level of inflammation is directly related to many diseases - for example, diabetes Type 2, obesity, rheumatoid arthritis, and even cancer, kindness can be said to protect against disease.

This was confirmed by another experiment, which showed that for those who help others, the level of stress does not increase the risk of death. But for "egoists" such a dependence exists.

Is it possible to cultivate kindness in yourself

It's really possible. Developing kindness and compassion is comparable to building muscle - you may feel some changes after the first session, but for real qualitative changes, regular training is needed.

Scientists at the University of Wisconsin-Madison tried use a Buddhist technique for this - compassion meditation - and got excellent results.

For two weeks, young people from the same group regularly meditated for 30 minutes. In the process, they imagined how someone - relatives, friends, strangers and even unpleasant people - was suffering, and wished them to be free from this and live easily. Participants in the control group at this time learned to concentrate on the positive.

At the end of the experiment, everyone had to take a test. One person - "The Dictator" - distributed the money unfairly, giving the "Victim" only 1 dollar out of 10. And scientists wanted to check how much of their five dollars people are willing to give to the “victim”.

As a result, participants who practiced compassion meditation gave away more money than those who simply learned to think positively. And when they were shown photographs of suffering people during MRI brain scans, they felt more compassion for them and were more likely to want to help rather than turn away.

After checking the scan results, the researchers found that the increase in altruistic behavior after meditation consistent with changes in brain function. For those who meditated, the parts involved in social cognition and emotional regulation were activated.

Thus, scientists concluded that even two weeks of daily short meditations can change the way the brain works, making people more kind and merciful.

How to become kinder

It is important to understand that kindness to others is not the desire to please everyone in a row, while forgetting about your needs. On the contrary, a real desire to help others begins with self-love.

Interestingly, the Buddhist meditation technique of loving-kindness and compassion begins with wishes addressed specifically to oneself. Below we present a variant of books Mingyur Yonge Joyful Wisdom, Embracing Change, and Finding Freedom.

Practice can be divided into several parts:

1. Preparation. Go to a quiet place, put away your gadgets so that nothing gets in the way of your study. Get into a position where you can straighten your back, such as sitting in a chair or on the floor. You should be comfortable, but not so much that you feel sleepy. For a while, just relax and observe the breath and sensations in the body, thoughts and emotions.
2. Self love and compassion. Mentally wish yourself to be happy and free from suffering. You can say it in any wording. In Buddhism, they use a simple one: “May I find happiness and the causes of happiness. May I be free from suffering and the causes of suffering.” After that, allow the mind to be calm, open and relaxed.
3. Love and compassion for others. Focus on those you love. It could be relatives, friends, or even dogs and cats. Wish them to find happiness and the reasons for happiness, to get rid of suffering. You can imagine how the chosen object of meditation is experiencing, and sincerely wish him to get rid of this condition. After that, you will have a feeling of tenderness and closeness, as well as a deep desire to relieve pain.
4. Love and compassion for those you don't love. It is not so easy to wish good things to those who annoy you or leave you indifferent. At the same time, it will help you get rid of the narrow view. Perhaps the behavior of a person you do not like is not due to arrogance, his bad character or a desire to harm, but deep inner suffering.
5. Boundless love and compassion. Think to yourself, “Just as I want to find happiness and avoid suffering, so do other beings.” It is not necessary to imagine anyone - just stop at the awareness of this thought and feel the desire to free all sentient beings from suffering. You can also imagine that all the suffering of this world enters you along with the breath in the form of dark smoke, and then is purified in the heart.

It is not necessary to dedicate half an hour a day to this practice, as in the study. To begin with, it is advised to give it two minutes, and then repeatedly recall it during the day.

Alternatively, you can tie the practice to some activities. For example, promise yourself to remember kindness and compassion every time you wash the dishes or when a notification comes on your phone.