How to become assertive and learn to protect your interests in any situation

Imagine the situation: neighbors loud are listening to music. Now evaluate which of the two requests will sound insistent:

1. If you don't mind, could you please turn off the music?
2. You must turn off the music right now.

The correct answer is none.

Many people think that perseverance means standing up for yourself, saying what you think and feel. If this were true, then line #2 could be considered persistent. But it sounds aggressive because it is formulated as a requirement that is unlikely to become good start for constructive dialogue. And the first request looks like just an attempt to be persistent. Such a phrase is too passive and does not seem important, so it is very easy to miss it.

Try to imagine a scale: at one end of it, your request will sound weak and will not be perceived seriously, and on the other, you will be too aggressive, so that the other person will take a defensive position. True perseverance lies somewhere in the middle. It is the ability to express your feelings and needs in a respectful, welcoming manner that makes you more likely to be heard.

It takes skill and practice to develop this quality in yourself. One of the most effective strategies for doing this is to take your own feelings and emotions more seriously. needs. But first we need to figure out why we lack natural perseverance.

Where does the lack of perseverance come from?

Being assertive means understanding your feelings and expressing them in a healthy way. For people who grew up in an environment where it is not customary to talk about emotions, this can be quite difficult.

Ignoring or belittling experiences in childhood leads to difficulties with the manifestation of perseverance in adulthood. This happens because we are not taught how our feelings work and how important they are. Parents do not like our emotionsTherefore, we ourselves do not consider them particularly valuable and significant. As a result, we do not learn to express ourselves in the language of emotions.

What are the components of persistence?

• Awareness. You need to understand how you feel here and now. In a neighbor situation, it might look like this: the music has been playing loudly all day, and you feel that you are filled with anger and a desire to act to change the situation.
• Respect for your feelings. Any of them is justified and deserves to be taken into account. Your anger has the meaning. It's already 23:00, and tomorrow you have to get up early for work.
• The ability to express emotions in words. To do this, first of all, you need to understand and accept your experiences. Take a short break: drink a glass of water and take a few deep breaths to calm down and find the right words.
• The desire to understand the other person. How does the neighbor feel? It is unlikely that he is a villain trying to make your life hell. Most likely, he is just in a good mood and wants to dance.
• Understanding the circumstances. Think about the situation and setting in which everything is happening. How do you want to express your feelings and thoughts: go up to the floor and talk on the spot or call? How often does your neighbor disturb you by playing music? If this is repeated regularly, the situation changes.

After you combine all these skills, you will be able to express your feelings and thoughts in a way that others will listen to you. When you are not too passive, but also not too assertive, the chances that you will meet with understanding and your requests will be fulfilled increase.

So, to your neighbors, you could say something like this: “I understand that you are having a lot of fun, but I difficult to fall asleep to loud music. Can you turn it off after 23:00? I would be very grateful to you, because I have to go to work early in the morning.”

How to be persistent

• Train awareness. Ask yourself self-examination questions regularly. What am I feeling right now? Why do I experience these emotions? How does my body react to them? Do I need something at this moment?
• Appreciate your feelings. They exist to help you. When you listen to yourself, you better understand when to be assertive. In addition, feelings provide motivation and energy to speak openly about your needs.
• Use emotional language. You are probably good at distinguishing basic emotions, such as joy, sadness or anger. But the more descriptions you can give to your feelings, the better. Expanding your personal "emotional vocabulary" will allow you to understand yourself more deeply. And as a result - intelligibly explain their experiences to others.
• Understand your value. Every time you persevere and stand up for yourself, you are showing others that you and your opinion matter.

Of course, not everything will work out right away and not every request of yours will be accepted unconditionally, and this is normal. But after careful work on yourself and practice, you will notice how easy it is for you to communicate with others, as well as to remain a conscious and self-confident person.

Instead of living by the motto “My feelings don’t matter,” choose another life credo: “My feelings may not always be objectivebut they are my reality, which means they matter.”