4 consequences of childhood trauma that prevent you from becoming a good parent

Past experiences directly affect how you treat your children. People often unconsciously repeat the same methods of education that they experienced on themselves. Both good and not so good.

As you delve into your past, you may be surprised to find yourself repeating things you always hated after your parents. Or, on the contrary, you act out of a sense of protest: "whatever you like, if only not so."

Below, we'll look at four mistakes that stem from the past and can get in the way of raising happy children and building trusting relationships with them.

1. Projection of your childhood frustration

projection is transfer of their feelings to another object, be it a person, an animal, or an inanimate object.

People resort to this defense when they feel their self-worth is threatened or when they are faced with difficult emotions that are hard to handle. For example, if a father has not built a successful career and is suffering from it, he may lash out at his son with accusations: “You don’t even try! You won't achieve anything!"

Parents often force their children to embody their unfulfilled dreams. dreams. They demand to achieve success in those areas where they themselves have not achieved anything, to strive for their goals and share their interests, and not to seek their own.

Thus, they refuse to see a child as a separate person, they evaluate him by victories in this or that matter and deprive him of the right to choose.

Of course, the child can adopt the values ​​of the parents and be carried away by their interests, but all this must happen voluntarily. If you try to force him to live the way you like, in the end, instead of love and gratitude you can get a strong offense, an attempt to isolate yourself from you and even hatred.

What to do with it

As a rule, projections arise due to the suppression of strong negative emotions and psychological traumas that cause a lot of pain.

Think about the situations in which you experience a storm of negative emotions “out of nowhere” with your child, which irritates and angers you greatly? For example, he does not want to go to the sports section, and you bring down a flurry of abuse on him, promise to punish him for life and never love again.

Remember that your child is a separate person, even if he seems too small to make a choice. He needs not only guidance, but also unconditional support, love and acceptance. Just for what it is, and not for victories and achievements.

2. Compensation for the shortcomings of your childhood

As a rule, people copy the parenting style of their parents. But if as a child you suffered from any negative aspects of their behavior, the way you treat your own children can become a form of protest.

For example, a girl grew up with workaholic parents who rarely paid attention to her. Having matured, the woman decides to correct their mistakes and surrounds her children with excessive care.

They, in turn, will suffer overprotection, and in the future, they may not be able to pay enough attention to their children, devoting themselves to a career or entertainment. It turns out a vicious circle, penetrating generations.

Raising children differently than your parents did may not be a bad idea. Especially if their behavior caused you a lot of pain.

However, building your approach to upbringing on the principle of “just not like this” is not the most rational method that can do more harm than good.

What to do with it

Think about what seemed wrong to you in raising your parents and how you act in similar situations. Really appreciate how well this affects your children.

Are you really acting in a certain way for their benefit, or are you just trying to correct past mistakes and make up for painful experiences?

3. Using Unhealthy Coping Strategies

The coping strategy is way adapt to stress in difficult life situations, maintaining positive self-esteem and emotional balance.

Some of them are recognized as adaptive: they really help to overcome the crisis and cope with negative emotions. These are, for example, seeking social support, taking action, positive reassessment, or humor.

But there are also bad ways to deal with stress, such as withdrawing into yourself, different methods of distraction, the use of illegal chemicals. Such copings only interfere with dealing with the problem and drive a person into a trap.

As a rule, strategies are "inherited": people copy the behavior of their parents or learn to cope with traumatic experiences.

In childhood, learned patterns of behavior help to adapt and maintain mental balance, but in adulthood, some of them can become destructive.

For example, if a child often felt fearful because of the behavior of his parents, he may learn not to attract attention, to avoid intimacy, conflict and negative emotions.

As an adult, these habitual copings can prevent him from expressing his emotions and building close, trusting relationships with others, including his own children.

What to do

Think about what strategies you use in stressful situations and how this affects your relationship with your child. Remember that not only can children suffer from your maladaptive copings, but they are also more likely to use them later in life. Try to change your ways of coping with stress more productive.

4. Rigid self-criticism

Everyone has an "inner critic" - a voice that voices negative thoughts about themselves. It periodically appears in difficult moments of life, after some failures or stresses.

This inner voice begins to form in the early years of life, when the baby hears how parents scold him or say something bad about themselves. The child may feel unwanted and helpless, and this feeling remains with him for many years.

With the advent of their own children, the feeling of insecurity and self-criticism only increase. For example, during a typical childhood tantrum, thoughts like, “What kind of parent are you if you can’t control him?” or “She hates you. You are a bad mother."

If your father did not know how to handle a child, you may feel similar confusion and hear an inner voice saying, “How are you going to take care of this child? You don't know how to be a father."

Such experiences interfere with sound reasoning and doing the right thing.

For example, they can force a parent to break loose and yell at a child, punish him with silence and coldness, or choose other unhealthy parenting methods.

What to do

Instead of judging yourself, consider what you are saying to yourself as a parent? Is this really true?

Perhaps most of the accusations are far-fetched and do not correspond to reality. Self-criticism not only does not bring benefits, but also takes away the strength that parents need to remain calm and satisfy their children's needs for love, attention and care.

Fight your inner critic every time he raises his head. Strengthen your self-esteem and self-confidence. Immerse yourself in your experiences, do it with curiosity and compassion.

By separating the negative experiences of the past from what you have now, you can become a better parent.