How to survive the holidays with your family if you managed to disappoint them in a year
Miscellaneous / / April 03, 2023
Together with psychologists, we analyze how to tune in to unpleasant conversations and prevent quarrels.
If your relationship with your family leaves much to be desired, but a family feast is inevitable, you should prepare for the event in advance.
Think about whether you are really to blame
If you are afraid of criticism and offensive remarks addressed to you, first you should figure out if you are really to blame for something. Or, perhaps, this is a personal and unsubstantiated opinion of your relatives.
Make a change plan
If you really are to blame for something in front of your family, the best option is to apologize and try to correct the harm caused.
If you are ashamed of your lifestyle or failures in some areas of activity, consider steps to change the situation. A ready-made strategy will help to calmly perceive the reproaches of loved ones. Perhaps they will even become additional motivation and strengthen you in the opinion that change is necessary.
Julia Fedotova
The main thing is not to make eloquent promises either to yourself or to your loved ones, which, perhaps, will never be fulfilled and will further drive you into an even greater trap of guilt.
If you understand that there is nothing to apologize for, but guilt and shame still arises, most likely, these are irrational emotions.
Deal with irrational emotions
With the help of guilt and shame, parents correct the behavior of their children so that they learn the norms of society. At the same time, harsh and unjustified criticism can reflect badly on a person's self-esteem and cause an irrational feeling of guilt.
For example, parents could blame the child for causing them discomfort with their behavior or simply being in their lives: “Look how far brought her mother with her fours! ”,“ Because of you, there is no life at all! Such attacks are very painful and can disfigure a person's view of himself. myself.
Julia Kaminskaya
When confronted with criticism that is reminiscent of childhood situations, a person may fall into a familiar sense of guilt, even though they did not actually do anything wrong.
It takes a long time and the help of a specialist to work through injuries and change your opinion of yourself to a more positive one. But something can be done before the feast.
Julia Kaminskaya advises doing an exercise that will help to support self-esteem a little.
- Choose any situation from childhood, when you are faced with irrational guilt or shame. It is better not to take cases that make you worry too much - this should be worked out with a specialist so as not to make things worse. Focus on events that evoke emotions with an intensity of about 5 out of 10.
- Compare yourself in the past and present. Pay attention to your new experience that you have received during this time, to your intellectual development, on the supportive statements of people who love you, on situations in which you managed to defend your opinion.
- Record the difference on paper. This will help make it as clear as possible that you are an adult, and not childwho can't take care of himself.
How to prepare for the holiday
Yulia Fedotova claims that agreeing to meet with her relatives, despite the expected difficulties, is a strong and adult step worthy of respect. And so that a family celebration does not turn into torture, try to psychologically prepare for it - here are a few ways.
Don't have illusions
Before a family celebration, it is important to decide what exactly you want to get from communication. After all, the most painful sensations arise when a person tunes in to acceptance and approval, but meets with denial and rejection.
Julia Kaminskaya
The main thing is not to lie to yourself, do not try to ignore the fact that your relatives do not like your marital status or political views. If years have not passed since your last meeting and global upheavals have not happened in their lives, then they are unlikely to suddenly change their point of view.
Remember how the previous feasts were, and do not expect that this time will be different.
Separate a person's personality from his opinion
For example, just because your older relative doesn't understand freelancing doesn't mean they're cold or toxic.
Remember that all people are made up of many different opinions and actions. You can imagine a pie chart or a sliced pizza. One part is criticism in your address, but perhaps there are other positive points.
Before you get into a confrontation, think about what you could thank your relatives for, what you appreciate them for.
Try to deal with the situation with humor
Humor often saves in difficult situations. For example, you can arrange a dispute with yourself, which of the relatives will say what and at what moment, what kind of taunt will sound from a family member.
When your predictions come true during the feast, this will inevitably cause an inner smile and allow you to keep emotional balance.
Think back to your accomplishments
Think about what your real goals in life are, what you want to achieve and what you have already achieved.
Julia Fedotova
Strengthen yourself with awareness of your own achievements, and in case the behavior of loved ones starts to unsettle you, keep your personal “Olympus” in your head. This may help you get through the meeting.
How to build a conversation so as not to quarrel
Almost any conversation can be structured so as not to offend the interlocutor and avoid conflict. Here's how to do it.
Be correct when expressing your opinion
In a conversation, it is important not to violate other people's boundaries and show the interlocutor that you understand his point of view. This does not mean that you need to give in or bend to the opinion of relatives. However, disagreement can be expressed in different ways. Compare the two formulations:
- "You have no right to tell me."
- “I see that the profession of an accountant is very important to you. I think it's a great job for someone with such an analytical mindset. I, as a more creative person, prefer design. My prospects in this industry with an experience of 1 year - N thousand rubles.
The first phrase can aggravate conflict, as it can be interpreted as an attack and neglect. The second one is more careful.
It emphasizes the qualities of a person, shows your respect for his opinion, and also removes some fears. For example, the fears of elderly relatives that a representative of the creative profession will not be able to feed himself.
Think about what you can agree on
You do not have to share the relative's point of view, but at the same time you can try to find something in common in your opinions.
Try to find a statement that does not refute the meaning of your opponent's speech. For example: "There really are tattoos, made by unprofessional craftsmen that look just awful” or “Some children really do not respect the prestige of the teaching profession.”
Such a phrase is unlikely to lead you to an agreement, but after it an attempt to move the conversation in a different direction may be perceived more favorably. At the same time, don't forget about yourself.
Julia Kaminskaya
It is important to remember that you have no obligation to sit and listen to things that offend you. Yes, we all have the right to express our opinion on some issue. However, we also have the right not to allow ourselves to be humiliated, our personal qualities.
Recognize the difference in experience
All people have their own unique experience, on the basis of which they draw conclusions. If you do not take into account the background of a person, it can be difficult to understand his point of view.
Perhaps your relative simply lacks expert knowledge. For example, it is absolutely normal that people of the older generation are not aware of the income level of representatives of certain specialties: such professions simply did not exist in their time.
In this case, it is better to show them concrete examples. vacancies on the Internet than to be criticized endlessly and hear that you are wasting your potential.
Use I-messages
To respond constructively to criticism, you should use "I-messages", or "I-messages". Thanks to this technique, without pressure and negativism, you will be able to convey to relatives information about their state, feelings, and even offer options on how to resolve a complex and contradictory situation.
Follow these rules:
1. Express your feelings. For example, “I am angry”, “I am upset”, “I am scared”, “I am worried”.
2. State the facts that caused such feelings. At this stage, the main thing is to refrain from switching to the “You-message”.
For example, if you say, "I get angry when you say that," your opponent may take this as an accusation and start a conflict. It is better to use impersonal and indefinite pronouns and sentences instead, for example: "I get angry when I hear such words in my address."
3. Explain why the facts evoke such sensations. It is important to convey to loved ones why you are offended by a certain statement, criticism or reaction. For example: "... because I regard it as a violation of my internal borders, and I immediately want to defend myself in return.
4. Suggest options for expressing your thoughts as constructively as possible. For example: "I will be very grateful if instead of criticism I hear options for how to do it better."
As a result, instead of the offensive phrase “You annoy me with your words,” you get something like: “I get angry when I hear such words addressed to me. I regard them as a violation of my internal boundaries, and I immediately want to protect myself in return. I will be very grateful if, instead of criticizing, I hear options on how to do it better.
Julia Fedotova
Of course, “I-messages” cannot instantly fit into your usual dialogues with your family. It takes time for such changes. At the same time, you can already try to give feedback in a similar format today and check how the emotional intensity of the dialogue will change.
Try to understand the other person's goals
Sometimes attempts to get involved in an argument are a sign that a person simply does not have enough attention. Everyone wants to be heard, and if the relative's point of view is ignored or evaluate negatively, he can start a conflict.
Try to set aside time for each family member so that no one tries to attract the attention of loved ones by any means. Eliminate criticism, ridicule and ignorance. Show respect for others, even if their point of view is very different from yours. Some topics are best left untouched.
What topics are better not to raise at the table
Definitely not worth talking about unpleasant situations that could offend one of those present. If you strongly disagree on religion and politics, these topics should also be avoided.
But if someone close to you started a dubious conversation, it is better to give him some time to express himself. Julia Kaminskaya explains that trying to cut off a relative's speech can feel like disrespect or an attack, which is more likely to cause a conflict.
If you are organizing a family evening, it is worth considering the scenario of the event in order to avoid difficult topics. For example, organize contests, quizzes, prepare photos and collages.
You can offer a board game or watch a selection of your favorite movies. This will help you avoid boredom and stress. At the same time, you need to be prepared for the fact that none of the methods will work, and some of the relatives will continue to bring you into conflict.
How to deal with toxic relatives
There are times when a person is simply not ready to maintain a polite and tactful conversation. If the opponent resorts to humiliation and insults, and the arguments are presented in the format “You're a fool!”, it is pointless to conduct a dialogue. You will either have to sink to the same level, or listen insults.
Some people are toxic in many ways, and all attempts to talk kindly to them will not lead to positive results.
Julia Kaminskaya
If you understand that criticism against you is not a form of experience and not a clumsy format of care, but an attempt to suppress and humiliate you, be prepared to stop communicating with the person. At least for a while.
Taking a social break will allow you to rethink the situation, let go of feelings, and build inner confidence.
If you are forced to stay at the same table with such a person, try to adhere to the following rules:
- Control your emotions. Do not show your opponent that he has achieved or can achieve his goal of causing you emotional pain.
- Try to puzzle the attacker. Smile, laugh at yourself, try to present yourself as a confident person - through gestures, postures, facial expressions, even if you don’t really feel like that.
- step back build distance.
At the moment when emotions get out of control, it is better to leave the room where the provocateur is located for a while. For example, help in the kitchen, get some fresh air, call or write to someone who will support you and help you recover. self-control.
You will not be able to re-educate a person: only he is responsible for the style and format of his interaction with others. But you can always calmly respond to provocations and maintain dignity in dealing with any environment.
Be patient and may the holidays go better than you expect.
Read also🧐
- 12 Rules for Civilized Conversation
- “I never knew what was waiting for me at home”: how to deal with toxic parents
- How to spend New Year's holidays with your family and not quarrel with anyone