Personal experience: how I broke off relations with my best friend

"They called us sisters"

We met Mira (name changed at the request of the heroine. — Approx. ed.) in the first year of university. Both studied economics, but wanted to develop in design and draw. Probably, on the basis of common interests, we became friends.

At first it seemed to me that we were separated in infancy. Otherwise, how can two people who have lived all their lives in different cities and families be so similar? We watched the same series, listened to the same music, read the same media. Even our mothers had the same name! And the birthdays were very close - with a difference of seven days.

Some called us sisters, because even outwardly we were similar.

We had a joke. We said: “Find 5 differences” when we noticed some small inconsistencies. For example, Mira did not like olives, but I did, she believed that Hermione should be with Harry, and I should be with Malfoy, and so on. However, as I later realized, there were much more differences. Maybe at that moment I just wanted to believe that I had found

your soul mate.

“Without her, I can’t seem to exist”

Somehow, our relationship immediately developed in such a way that we always did everything together. For example, we got our first job together as interns in a design bureau. When someone invited one of us to a party or a visit, it automatically extended to the other: “Will there be Mira?”

So it was easier to solve some problems, and I always knew that I would not be left alone and would not feel uncomfortable in an unfamiliar company.

Once we wanted to go to a design conference together. Specialists, whom I dearly loved, were supposed to speak there. However, the day before the event, Mira fell ill. And I thought: well, why should I go then?

Only later, looking through the stories of acquaintances, I really regretted that I was not present there. This first suggested that Mira and I became like Siamese twins. Without her I'm like can't exist. I forgot what it's like to meet other people and hang out without my girlfriend. At the same time, Mira didn’t seem to have such a thing, so I attributed everything to my psychological pens.

“It was perceived as if I wanted to betray a friend”

The end of the internship at the design bureau was approaching. One day, we were both given the task of making a series of pictures for the partners of the company - and "as soon as possible."

On that day, Mira needed to deal with some documents, so she threw off the illustrations later than I did. Yes, and they were made, as I understand it, hastily. The manager wrote that, unfortunately, Mirina's work does not fit, and now there is no time to redo it. Therefore, only my pictures will be sent to partners.

This, apparently, hurt the world very much. And that evening, while we were walking to the subway, she only did what she said nasty things about the manager. It hurt me a little: as if my work appreciated not by right. Although I obviously took the task more responsibly and objectively spent more time on it.

But I understand this now. And at that moment I was just uncomfortable and I tried to support Mira - after all, she had something like a professional failure. “Well, yeah, it's not fair. Uh-huh, sorry you had to deal with paperwork today,” I chimed in.

When the time came for the end of the internship, Mira was called by the art director — let's call him Maxim. I did not know what was happening behind the closed door, but when it opened, Mira ran to the toilet with tears. I wanted to follow her, but then I heard that Maxim called me.

This is a bad sign, I thought. "Looks like they won't take us." Yes, for some reason I perceived “us” as a single working unit!

However, everything turned out completely differently: art director praised me and said that he liked how quickly I got into the tasks and how well I performed them for three months. There was one vacancy in the bureau for a junior designer. He asked if I would like to borrow it.

I was shocked. It was not clear to me what exactly happened to Mira, but, apparently, she was not taken. My consent at that moment was perceived as if I wanted to betray my friend. I asked for time to think.

Maxim nodded and said that I had a couple of days to make a decision. And then he suddenly added: “You are cool! Do not listen to others - those who will bring you down. More confidence!»

I left the office and, oh, very slowly, went to my place, because I didn’t know what I was going to say to Mira.

“Uh, I was offered a job,” I said. “Congratulations,” was all I heard from Mira. She chose to go home alone that day.

“I just didn’t notice what could upset me about this?”

I discussed this situation with my sister and said that I did not know whether I should accept a new job. She replied: “What are you? This is a business, and your relationship should not play a role here. Agree, of course! I'm sure if she's a real friend, she'll understand."

And Mira seemed to understand. But then an unfortunate situation happened. We were sitting in a cafe with mutual friends and someone offered to raise glasses to my new position. We all drank, and then Mira suddenly said: “Well, hasn’t Maxim invited you for coffee yet?”

I almost choked, “Why did he have to call?” “Well, how! Mira said confidently. “He had his eye on you from the very beginning. No matter how he hired you!”

Some friends chuckled, some lowered their eyes. There was a feeling that I was doused with slop - as if I had received a place in the bureau for beautiful eyes.

At that moment, I kind of awkwardly laughed it off, but didn’t say anything against it, deciding to discuss this situation with Mira in private. She probably just didn't think it could hurt me.

But it didn't end there. Mira continued pin up me. For example, once I came to the university in a new dress, and she said publicly: “Oh, I walked around the village in this, weeding my grandmother’s garden.” And again - perhaps she simply did not notice that she could upset me with this?

“I thought being angry at my friend was making me bad”

A couple of months later, my grandmother became very ill. I was very attached to her, worried about her health. I wanted Mira to support me at that moment. I shared some of my fears with her. But she did not particularly comment on this situation, and in the end everything spilled over into a discussion of her problems.

When my grandmother died, I started depression. My sister advised me to go to a psychotherapist. At first, we discussed family relationships and my new job in sessions. And then the specialist suggested talking about friends. This scared me: what if there will be some problems here too? I said that I have one best friend.

Gradually, I began to share with the psychologist various situations related to Mira. Every time I said something, a lump rolled up in my throat. I thought that being angry at my friend made me bad, so every time I apologized to the therapist for "my selfishness."

However, the therapist did not scold me, but helped me figure out why I might be experiencing these emotions. Gradually we found out that I needed to learn to build personal boundaries.

"Rumors tend to transform"

I think we would have had a chance to improve relations if not for one situation. Once I had a window between couples, and I decided to go to a coffee shop. A friend - my classmate - caught up with me and said she wanted to talk.

I was surprised, but agreed. We sat down at a table and she asked where Mira was. "She's sick," I replied. The friend nodded. “I don’t want to be unfounded and get between you,” she said. “But she says strange things about you. It's like you slept for a job in the bureau and that your parents paid a bribe so that you then pass the exam in business intelligence.

It was oh so strange! I didn't know how to react. And, to be honest, it was hard to believe in the words of a classmate. She added: “I thought, even if she’s telling the truth, you probably wouldn’t want anyone to discuss it. Although I think it's a lie."

Of course it's a lie! It seemed that this was not about me and my girlfriend at all, but about some other people. On the other hand, why would a classmate lie? I decided to talk to Mira in order to understand that this was all some kind of mistake, and people misunderstood her. After all gossip have the ability to transform.

However, I discussed this situation with a psychologist in advance. She and I predicted different options for how our conversation might go, and discussed what I should do in each case.

We discussed, among other things, that we might have to end relations with Mira - at least for a while. But I didn't think it would come to that.

"It takes two to tango"

When I told her what I had learned, she did not deny anything: “Would you say it’s not true?” I was even taken aback: “You know you don’t.” I asked her to explain what was happening with our relationship.

And then it began. Now I think: maybe it would be better not to ask. Mira said that she was tired of dragging me along, that I was selfish, that I had "St. Petersburg privileges" (the parents of the heroine are native Petersburgers. — Approx. ed.), what is it me envy girlfriend and repeat after her everything she comes up with!

When asked what exactly I repeat after her, I received a brilliant answer: “Yes, the same design!” However, I've been doing it since high school, so... Well, I hardly did it because I knew: at the university I would meet Mira, who loves design, so I will also love him.

In general, all her nit-picking seemed so absurd to me! And at that moment I even thought: “Maybe she really can spread rumors about me?”

It seems important to me to say here that I am not a white and fluffy bunny either. Everything I say is my memories. And our memory tends to distort the real story. So maybe I was wrong too. Especially at the moment when she was in a state of passion.

Besides, maybe Mira really believed everything she said. The problem was that she didn't see the whole picture. As they say, it takes two to tango: there were communication problems on both sides. So I'm not shifting the blame for the breakup of relations only on Mira.

Be that as it may, I never got an answer to my question, is it true distributed rumors about me. But I guess it didn't matter to me.

I said, “I didn’t think it would come to this. But I see no other way. Even before today's meeting with you, I thought that we should stop communicating. It has a destructive effect on me. It will be harder for me to cope with depression if we continue to communicate.

Mira held her face and said, "I think it's a good idea." Perhaps she was driven by pride then. Perhaps she did not want to end the relationship. I don't know.

Almost a year later, she wrote to me and apologized for her behavior. She said that she behaved badly then and did not realize that she was hurting me. And if I still want to continue communication with her, she will be glad.

But I didn't want to. When we stopped communicating with Mira, I felt better.

At first, there was a feeling that you need to learn to live again: find friends, rely only on yourself, learn to explain how you can interact with you, and how you can’t. Since then, I have become more confident - I realized that Mirina's incautious comments were not at all true.

Now I'm already working as a senior designer, I have a few close friends and a stable relationship with a young man. I am satisfied with the way my life is shaping up. This does not mean that I do not feel regret because of the break in friendship with Mira. I appreciate the good that was in our relationship. But once you get burned, you don't want to go through it again. For now, I've made the decision not to interact with her.

"Hope my advice helps"

When Mira and I stopped talking, I cried every day for a whole week. Communication with a psychologist and sister helped - thanks to them, I survived. If someone has to find themselves in the same situation, I hope that my advice will help.

1. If you decide to stop being friends with someone, you should tell him about it in person, and not in a message. This will be more respectful of the person and your past relationship. Time will pass and you will thank yourself for this decision.
2. Before you come to your farewell meeting, prepare a list of the problems that led you to this decision. Talk about them calmly and try not to get personal: your task is not to “finish off” the person, but simply explain to him why you decided to stop communicating.
3. The first time will be painful and sad. In order not to injure yourself once again, try to exclude reminders about a former friend from your life: unfollow him on social networks and ask your friends not to invite the two of you to general meetings - at least for now.
4. If you want to write to the person again, think about why you broke off your friendship with him. Do you want to return to these emotions again?
5. Just because you can't build a close friendship with one person doesn't mean you shouldn't try with others. There are many people in the world with whom you can build strong relationships. It may be difficult for you at first to open up to them, but someday you will feel that you are ready to let them into your world. New good people will help you to believe in friendship again.