“Now we are not against each other, but together against problems”: the story of a couple who was saved by family therapy
Miscellaneous / / April 02, 2023
The heroine is sure: if not for the help of a specialist, she and her husband would have gone to file for divorce.
Veronica
32 years. 6 years married to Sasha.
"While I'm here cleaning diapers, he's enjoying himself"
Sasha and I met through friends. I immediately noticed him in their crowd - not only because he was the only person I didn’t know, of course. (Laughs) I immediately liked the way he looked: neatly and tastefully dressed - a jacket and wide trousers. Tall, thin, with curly hair and big brown eyes, he looks a bit like Timothée Chalamet. Then I found out that he is a web designer.
That evening we talked and spent most of the time just the two of us. This is how our relationship began. A year later, I found out I was pregnant. We decided to get married.
I don’t think it was, as they say, “on the fly”. In fact, I felt that everything was going to this.
During the decree, I finally managed to leave my unloved job - I was a teacher of literature. And Sasha got a job in a cool design agency. We had more money, so I was able to relax and think about what I would like to do with my life, and not clutch at the pennies that I received at school.
Since Sasha was in the digital crowd, he offered me to become a tester or project manager. The first was not very interesting to me, but the managerial position fully corresponded to my organizational and communication skills. During the decree, I began to understand this.
The first difficulties arose a couple of months after the birth of the child. I was very tired, and at that moment Sasha had a blockage at work. Then we had a lot of small skirmishes that just spoiled the mood, but did not lead to anything serious.
Finally, one day, Sasha came home from work with good news: he had been promoted to art director. I smiled tightly, but I remember how everything inside me began to bubble: “While I'm cleaning diapers here, he lives for his own pleasure. This is unfair".
This situation prompted me to also quickly go to work and start realizing my ambitions. Soon I found a vacancy for a project manager, and we hired a nanny for the child.
“It seemed that going to a psychologist = getting a divorce”
A year later, I realized that my life began to seethe. I constantly communicated with people, participated in various projects, learned new things. I liked it very much. I felt at ease.
At that moment I did not think about it, but now I clearly see that a new life has captured me, and there is less time for my family. When Sasha said that he wanted to watch a movie with me or take a walk, it made me angry: couldn’t he understand that it was important for me to gain a foothold in a new place? Of course, I will have less time for "useless entertainment."
Things got worse when I was offered another job. I started coming home very late. I used to leave at 7am and come back at 12pm. There was no time left to communicate with her daughter and husband. I was nervous, tired and irritated. And then, like a bolt from the blue, Sasha's words sounded: “It seems to me that our relationship is no longer working. What do we do?"
I fell into a stupor. It seemed that time had stopped, and this phrase echoed several times in my head.
Sasha said that he was looking for contacts of specialists who conduct couples therapy. He sees no other way.
I understood that our relationship had changed, but the euphoria associated with going to work blurred my eyes. Until that moment, I had not realized how real our problems were.
All Saturday I spent in the room, crawling under the covers and sobbing. At that moment, it seemed to me that going to a psychologist = getting a divorce. Thoughts were confused. In the end, I agreed to go to couples therapy.
“We need to get used to each other again”
The therapist was a woman. Elena. She was about 45 years old. I immediately thought that she looked like the headmistress of the school where I worked. A motherly warmth emanated from her. I felt comfortable with her.
When we first met, she asked my husband, as the initiator of the visit, to describe what he sees as problems.
“It seems to me that Veronica has moved away from me. I feel like an empty space. Last year we just live in a common living space. I come back from work, play with my daughter, cook dinner. And when Veronica comes, instead of praise from her, I hear only reproaches: why are the dishes not in the dishwasher, why am I used a pancake pan instead of the usual one, why did he put his daughter to bed so late... ”, - that’s what he said Sasha. (Short silence). Basically, it was true.
When it was my turn, I also voiced my complaints: “I would like Sasha to support me in my promotion at work. When I start to tell him something about my successes, I see his absent look. He doesn't seem to be interested in what's going on with me. He constantly says that he would like me to be at home more often, cook homemade cakes, as it was on maternity leave, and in the evenings we would watch movies. Sometimes I feel like it's selfish towards me."
The therapist took turns listening to us, and then gave us the task, based on these stories, to highlight several points that describe what we would like to change in the relationship. Now I understand that this, in principle, has become part of the therapy plan.
At the first session, a lot of emotions suddenly came from somewhere - I cried for half an hour. I remember that Sasha then put his hand on my shoulder and stroked it.
At that moment, I felt a surge of great tenderness and gratitude towards him - especially for the fact that he offered to go to family therapy.
There was a feeling that Sasha and I had not seen each other for a long time and we again need to get used to each other, to get to know each other again.
"Why pay someone to just talk?"
When I told my sister that we were going to family therapy, she reacted strangely. Said, "Why pay someone to just talk?"
But I think that the skills of speaking and listening correctly are the same as the skill of singing. If you open your mouth just like that and start spewing sounds out of yourself, this, of course, can be called music, but only in part.
It is important to understand how to describe your emotions, how to convey your thoughts correctly, how to perceive the words of another person without judgment. It took us about four months of weekly consultations to learn how to do this.
We did different exercises on them. One of the cool ones is the "mirror". Its essence is to repeat movements and cues after a partner - this helps to better understand a person.
Another good exercise is "I-statements", when you talk about what worries you, not from an accusatory position. That is, not “you interrupt me”, but “it is difficult for me to speak in parallel with you. If after I finish my thought you still have questions, you can ask me them. Perhaps some of them will fall away by themselves when I finish.
It really helped our communication. It felt like we had reached a new level. That now we are not against each other, but together against problems.
One of these problems was Sasha's emotional detachment. He said that sometimes he simply does not understand what he is really experiencing. The psychologist advised him to keep a special diary of emotions, thanks to which he will learn to better track his feelings and understand how to work with them. In the first month of therapy, I found it and couldn't resist reading it.
The diary was divided into columns: "Situation", "Emotion", "Sensations in the body", "Thought". There I found this:
- Situation: Nika promised to come home at 19. I ended up arriving at 21.
- Emotion: anger, sadness (?).
- Feelings in the body: heat in chest, lump in throat.
- Thought: Nika only pretends to want to work on the relationship. But a lot remains the same.
It was one of the most hurtful things in our entire relationship. I just started taking the first steps towards change. And he just crossed out all my efforts at once.
I couldn't just leave it like that, and we had a big fight that night. Sasha said that I had no right to touch his personal things (this is true). But at that moment something else was important to me.
Then I blurted out in my hearts: “If you think that I am not changing, then why do we need all this at all?” That day Sasha went to spend the night with a friend.
The next day I contacted Elena by phone. She helped me calm down and reminded me about "I-statements". I thought that I really did not show myself very correctly in a quarrel. Having better comprehended the situation, I wrote to Sasha that I really had no right to read his diary, and apologized for my aggressive reaction.
He then said that his wording was rude and in fact he does not think that I do not care about our relationship. And besides, the recording was made two weeks ago. Now he believes that this thought was erroneous and he would not have written like that.
This was our first small victory. I understood that one should not expect that, thanks to psychotherapy, all conflicts will immediately disappear.
“Forced to sit with a child, postponing their dreams”
One of the main problems was that I spend a lot of time at work. Together with Sasha and Elena, we discussed how this could be fixed. If at first it seemed to me that “nothing can be changed”, “I cannot leave projects and substitute people", then I began to understand that the world would not collapse if I did not answer the message at 12 at night Colleagues.
During this discussion, we came across one of my main grievances: when I was on maternity leave, my husband was actively building a career. And not only did I lose time working at school, but I was also forced to sit with a child, postponing my dreams and ambitions.
I envied Sasha: he managed to find his life's work so deftly and climb the career ladder so quickly. I felt this was unfair.
Therefore, a sharp switch to work after the decree was hypercompensation for “idleness”. I tried to make up for all the lost time that I “lost” on maternity leave. Sometimes I still have thoughts that I am less successful in my profession than I could be. With this problem I go already on individual therapy.
Now I understand that everyone has their own pace. Yes, someone was lucky to decide on a profession at the age of 16. But I have my own way. And workaholism will not help return 10 years of life. Because of him, I can lose other things that are important to me. And then after 10 years again think about what could have done differently. This was the main insight for me.
I asked colleagues not to write to me after 19:00 pm. In addition, we discussed my tasks with the boss, and he agreed that I have too many of them. I found an assistant.
I started spending more time at home. Once Sasha took his daughter from the dance, brought her home, and I was already there and making pizza. The daughter was so surprised and asked: “Mom, what are you, then will you go to work again?”
I said that now I will be at home more often. It was one of the happiest evenings. The whole family had dinner, played and watched cartoons. Sorry, so many emotions. Looks like I'm crying now.
One of the cool traditions we introduced during therapy was the weekly weekend trips. So we traveled all over the Moscow region.
“It felt like we were on our honeymoon again.”
To be honest, I can’t imagine how we could deal with our problems without the help of a specialist. Elena appeared in our life at the right time. It seems to me that if Sasha had not offered to go to psychotherapy then, we would now receive a divorce certificate.
Couples therapy has helped not only our relationship, but each of us personally. Now I feel that my life is more balanced. I like to feel fulfilled in different areas.
Sasha and I started talking to each other more often. At first, it felt like we were on our honeymoon again. We have become closer than ever before.
My daughter also noticed that our relationship improved. Before, she was more capricious. Now, I think she feels calmer. Maybe it's the age, of course.
This does not mean that we no longer quarrel and argue. It's just that now we have the tools to do it more carefully in relation to each other. If earlier during the conflict we seemed to throw everything that was between us into the trash - both bad and good, now we just rewrite what we don’t like.
Text worked on: interviewer Lera Babitskaya, editor Natalya Murakhtanova, proofreader Natalya Psurtseva