Parentification: how a child becomes a parent for mom and dad and what it leads to

What is parenting and how does it occur?

Parentification is a situation where children and parents seem to change places. The child takes the position of an adult and solves problems unusual for his age.

Usually the reason for this is some event that changes the state of affairs in the family. For example, one of the parents dies, and the second is very hard going through the loss. Mom or dad in this case may not be able to cope not only with their parental responsibilities. She or he begins to ignore matters that concern the survival of the family. The child in this case is forced to take care of the remaining parent physically. And pay bills, shop, maybe raise siblings.

A similar situation can arise if parents get divorced, and the child, with everything else, still takes on the role of a mediator in conflicts. Or if someone in the family is seriously ill. Or if a brother or sister is born, and all care for the baby is outweighed by the elder.

However, parentification can occur simply because the parent is not doing its job. Let's say he can't process your emotions and splashes them on the child. Then he is forced to first help the adult calm down, and then take care of himself. Either mom or dad discusses everything with the child on an equal footing, asks him for advice. Although he still, due to his age, cannot and should not think about it.

Why Parentification is Dangerous

In the first decades of his life, a person grows and changes not only physically. It also develops as a person. A child is not forced to pass sports standards on an equal basis with adults. It is also better to load the psyche with feasible tasks. And the function of a parent is not only to feed and clothe children. His duties also include observing the challenges that life presents to the child, and in cases where he does not cope, help, explain, protect, support. Insure it as if the one lifted the bar and risked dropping it on his head. If this does not happen, problems arise.

How to understand that you are faced with parentification

Positive responses to several statements related to your relationship with your parents can lead you to think about this. In most cases, it is not even necessary to travel in memory several years ago. Usually these nuances are not formed from scratch in adulthood, but are drawn from childhood.

Important: one by one, these theses may be true for you, but mean nothing. Look at the situation as a whole.

Are you sure your parents can't cope without you?

This statement is worth trying on with reservations. For example, if mom or dad is already many years old and some time ago you realized that they need your help, it is unlikely that we are talking about parentification. But it happens that a loved one is objectively in the prime of life, can earn money, serve himself, and so on, but you still feel that he cannot do without you. This is a wake up call.

Do you feel guilty about the troubles in your parent's life?

Something happens to mom or dad, and you immediately take full responsibility for yourself: you didn’t save it, didn’t explain it, didn’t watch it. Explanations here seem to be superfluous: adults themselves are responsible for their lives, and they can still make mistakes and have every right to do so.

You don't respect your parents

There is a nuance here: if a person is asked if he respects his parents, he will most often answer in the affirmative. Therefore, it is better to look at the observance of boundaries here. Do you find it possible to constantly point out to a parent that he is living the wrong way? Do you give direction on what to do or how to spend the money? Can you throw something out of his house without asking or hide it? In general, analyze how you violate the boundaries of mom or dad and whether it looks like how they usually behave toxic parents.

Are you actively involved in parenting relationships?

Couples quarrel and make up. Children sometimes find out about this and try to reason with their parents, this is normal. But it is not very good if you are constantly being made a third party. For example, adults immediately tell you that they had a fight, complain about each other, ask you to voice the conditions for reconciliation, influence, and so on.

Do you feel responsible for your brothers and sisters?

If you consider yourself a parent to them more than mom and dad, because you took care of siblings much more actively, this hints at parentification.

In case of problems, it does not occur to you to contact your parents

Such thoughts have nowhere to arise, because you are used to doing everything. Child-parent relationships are formed according to the principle “water does not flow up”. Mom and dad help the child and support him. With parentification, the roles change, so there is no thought that parents can cope with the problem with you.

You know too much about your parents

“Too much” is a subjective concept, so there is no indicator to rely on. And yet there are things that children usually do not know about their parents. For example, if they are divorced, mom or dad should not discuss the details of love affairs with them, ask for advice, and so on. As encouraging as the idea that a child and parent are best friends sounds, it is not quite normal.

What to do if you become a victim of parentification

You can't go back in time and fix everything. But you can make your life more comfortable now.

You might find these Lifehacker articles helpful.

What to do as a parent so as not to switch roles with a child

To begin with, do not panic and protect the child from any manifestations of independence. The process of maturation provides that he will gradually do more and more without your help and separate. Therefore, he needs to do different things himself.

Nothing bad will happen either if the child sometimes takes care of one of the parents or brothers and sisters. Especially if something happened that disrupts the course of normal life. For example, if mom has risen temperature, the older child can feed her, himself and the younger ones. When the situation improves, he will return to the child role again.

Problems begin when children are required to perform adult duties continuously for quite a long time. Moreover, “require” here is not a synonym for “force”. A parent can influence not only punishment. Let's say if he drinks himself unconscious, the child doesn't really have a choice.

So avoiding parentification is simple and difficult at the same time. You just need to be a responsible adult in relation to your child.

And if you hear from everyone that your child is independent beyond his years, you should take a closer look at your relationship. After all, there is no need to compete in the speed of growing up.