6 habits that strengthen relationships. Proven by Science

1. Take an interest in your partner

Finding out what is happening in the partner’s daily life, what he thinks about, is useful for relationships. You can start with a simple “How was your day?”. But an even deeper connection is formed by periodic conversations about thoughts, feelings, fears, and so on.

Dr. John Gotman has studied couples in relationships for over 40 years. He notedK. T. Buehlman, J. M. Gottman, L. F. Katz. How a couple views their past predicts their future: Predicting divorce from an oral history interview / Journal of Family Psychologythat partners who were not interested in each other's affairs or did not respond to the satellite's attempts to start communication were more likely to part.

2. In a quarrel, explain, not blame

Psychologists usually advise using not “you-messages” but “I-messages” in quarrels. That is, not to talk about what the person did wrong, but about how it made you feel. For example, if your partner is often late, it's best not to lash out at them with the phrase "You're always late because you don't care about me." It is more productive to explain: “When you are late, I get upset, it seems to me that our agreements are not enough important to you" or "I get angry when I'm waiting for someone because time is running out that could be spent on something useful."

Gottman's research confirms this. Relationships work best when partners aren't closed off, defensive, critical, and don't see the fight as a battle that someone has to win. Instead, they listen to each other and discuss what happened.

3. holding hands

In one from studiesJ. A. Coan, H. S. Schaefer, R. J. Davidson. Lending a Hand: Social Regulation of the Neural Response to Threat / Psychological Science married women were lightly shocked. They were asked to experience this moment on their own, holding the hand of a stranger or husband. When the spouse was nearby, the stress from shock was lower, and the effect of this was comparable to pain medication. This was confirmed by a brain scan. Moreover, the happier the couple was, the greater the positive effect of touch. An experiment with same-sex couples confirmed these conclusions.

That is, a handshake literally allows you to share feelings, to be together in grief and in joy.

4. Do nice things for each other

There is a dialogue in the TV series It Happens Worse, which was then widely dispersed on social networks:

"Mike, why didn't you tell me you love me?"

I said this at our wedding. If anything changes, I'll let you know.

This approach is not very efficient. In relationship decide a lotL. M. Vowels, R. R. Francois-Walcott, R. E. Perks. Be free together rather than confined together: A qualitative exploration of how relationships changed in the early COVID‑19 pandemic / Journal of Social and Personal Relationships small interactions that delight and allow partners to constantly feel that there is a connection between them. It can be messages with compliments throughout the day, small gifts, rituals in the form of a kiss goodbye - all that many consider sentimental excesses.

5. Explore new things together

Gaining new experience helpsA. Aron, C. C. Norman, E. N. Aron, C. McKenna, R. E. Heyman. Couples’ shared participation in novel and arousing activities and experienced relationship quality / J Pers Soc Psychol refresh relationships. This can be especially important for partners who have been together for a long time and feel like they are beginning to be absorbed by the routine.

Moreover, literally anything that both of them like is suitable as a new experience - from walking around an unusual area of ​​\u200b\u200bthe city to going to an unusual view sports. If only together.

6. Be grateful to each other

And show that gratitude. In a series of everyday life it is easy to forget why you once fell in love with a person and how much he does for you. Therefore, it is useful for relationships every day to remind yourself of this and say thank you to your partner.

as show researchS. b. Algoe, S. L. Gable, N. C. Maisel. It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships / Personal Relationshipscouples who are grateful to each other are more satisfied with their relationship.