Resilience helps us deal with stress. Here's how to develop it

Not only terrible events that happened to a person personally, but also just a stream of news can affect the psyche. To keep stress, anxiety, and emotional discomfort from getting in the way, psychotherapist Cathy Morton recommends developing resilience. In her book Healing from Trauma, published by the MIF publishing house, the expert has collected simple ways to do this. Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from Chapter 14.

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Resilience is defined as our ability to deal with emotional stress and know that we will be okay. It can also be described as the ability to bounce back after something terrible has happened to us. When we are trying to heal from a traumatic experience, it is resilience that helps us not to give up. People with this ability seek help when they need it, fulfill their work or school obligations, and know when they need rest. Resilience cannot be achieved once and then used for a lifetime - it must be constantly worked on, and the degree of resilience will always depend on our current state.

Many years ago, I took a refresher course, the essence of which was working with teenagers in educational institutions. I hoped to learn how to help them regulate emotions and learn how best to communicate with teenagers so that I can do my job effectively if I decide to pursue a career in education. I managed to learn a lot, but the most important thing was what the course instructor called the analogy with poker chips.

Waking up in the morning, each of us "gets" a certain amount of poker chips.

Sometimes we can have ten chips, and sometimes only five, it all depends on whether we slept well, whether we are sick or whether we have to deal with some kind of mental pain. We are preparing in the morning for the upcoming day and then, for example, we receive a message from a colleague that he will not be able to attend during the presentation that we were supposed to do together. This stress costs us two poker chips. We're about to make ourselves some coffee and realize we're out of beans, minus one more chip. Then we hit the highway to go to work, and we get stuck in traffic - another chip is gone. Many of us are out of chips by the time we reach our first destination, which means that when faced with the next stressful or an unpleasant situation, we can't just throw away one more chip and go about our business. On the contrary, we are more likely to not hold back from a strong word, lose our temper and feel that we are losing control over the situation. The number of chips reflects the degree of resilience that we have, and the higher it is, the better we are. cope with what life has in store for us without doing anything that makes us feel like worse. We need to work on developing resilience so that on especially difficult days we have a lot of poker chips in stock and use them at the right time.

Is it true that some people get more poker chips at birth?

On the one hand, I am convinced that each of us from birth has a certain degree of resilience. For example, some of us are more resourceful, sociable, or have a more developed intuition - any of these qualities gives us the ability to find more options for overcoming terrible events, not allowing them to destroy us. On the other hand, many people are shy, find it difficult to make new acquaintances and deal with their feelings, so they prefer to move away from them. It is this difference that explains why, in an abusive family, one of the children becomes addicted and becomes self-hatred, while the other is able to concentrate on learning, build their own support system and move successfully farther.

It is also important to note that our parents give us the first example of a state of resilience, and if they showed us how use positive coping strategies and resources, we can consider ourselves lucky compared to those whose parents do not taught.

Some of us may have more access to resources such as group activities or Having family and friends ready to give us support are factors that contribute to the development resilience. This does not mean that only some of us will be able to recover from injury, but it does mean that some of us will have to work harder to achieve a state of greater resilience. That is why, when starting therapy, it is worth showing to self compassion.

How to develop resilience?

The development of resilience begins with the ability to take care of ourselves: we will not be able to cope with pain and stress if we do not get enough sleep the night before. What can we say about the state of "evil, because hungry”, which means that when we are hungry, we can be more irritable and impatient, which happens much less often if we are full. That is why my favorite method of Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) is HBA: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired. We should all scan ourselves for GZOU and check if we are in one of the above states before making any decision or starting to interact with someone. This will help us to understand when we are able to see the situation clearly, and when we are overwhelmed by impulsive desires and emotions.

By learning to eat regularly, work with anger, maintain contact with loved ones, and get enough sleep, we reduce our own vulnerability to environmental and emotional influences.

In addition, it increases our ability to cope with our own feelings and, in spite of make positive, useful decisions, which reflects, you guessed it, the presence resilience. The simple acronym GZOU helps us slow down our reactions and make sure that when we interact with other people, we act thoughtfully and carefully, and not act under the guidance of emotions.

It is also important to understand when we need to take a break from something. It could be a difficult project at work, a relationship we're in, or a situation where we need to relax and do nothing. Although it seems like something obvious to everyone, it can be difficult for us to understand that it is time to stop. I’ll be honest with you, it’s not easy for me to catch when it’s time for me to take a break. It’s hard for me to notice in time that I force myself to work harder than I actually can, that I’m on the verge of burnout or I spend too much energy on something and I have to stop it. Because of this, I often feel completely empty. I think it's so hard for us to know when it's time to stop because we don't have the habit of checking on a regular basis how we feel at all. On the contrary, we compare ourselves to other people who are doing better than us, ignoring the signs that we are tired - mentally and physically.

Mindful attention to how we feel and to signs of fatigue and burnout is an important part of developing resilience.

[…] I want to remind you that close relationships help calm the nervous system, and therefore are vital for the development of resilience. While there are benefits to being friends, connecting on a deeper level is more supportive and reminds us that we are not alone in what we have to deal with. Feeling that other people care about us fills us with optimism. So we can always count on someone when we need help. Recovery from injury is difficult, and we will need other people to lean on when we are unable to stand on our own. This deep connection allows us to offer support when someone else needs it, which helps us to feel needed and important. And this, you guessed it, contributes to the development of resilience.

Working on social contacts in search of support is often the most difficult task for my clients, as those who have suffered from symptoms for a long time PTSDmay prefer isolation to avoid retraumatization or encountering triggers. Many have told me that they have stopped answering messages, calling back or going to parties and now they can’t name a single person they can count on. Don't worry if you too are in a similar situation. There are simple ways to restore relationships and feel better. First, if you were in a healthy relationship with someone in the past, you can easily remind yourself of yourself. Of course, a lot of time has passed, but all you have to do is admit that you stopped responding and communicating, and explain why this happened. Then you have to show interest. Ask how your recipient is doing and if you can chat in the next couple of weeks. I know that even the thought of reconnecting may seem incredible, but how much are you risking? If you don't get a response at all or aren't enthusiastic about rekindling a relationship, you'll be in exactly the same position as you are now, so send a message! Don't delay! Start working on social support one post at a time.

If you have not had a healthy relationship with anyone in the past, you will need to put in more effort, and to start, I advise you to check with specialistwith whom you work, whether he knows about group therapy and whether he himself conducts such sessions. Additional help can be provided by online groups and support sites for those who find themselves in a similar life situation. If all this does not bring the desired results, you can enroll in a fitness center or yoga studio, start attending church or group music classes. When you find something you enjoy and do it with other people, it becomes easier for you to start a conversation. Gradually, you get to know your like-minded people closer and can decide whether you want to continue this or that relationship. You will have to settle for new types of social interaction for you in order to meet new people and build your own support system. I know it can be uncomfortable, but such discomfort suggests personal growth and the development of resilience.

One of the things that all highly resilient people have in common is their belief in their ability to change and grow.

We just need to know and believe in it. This subtle shift in mindset is important because when dealing with PTSD, we have to deal with shame, guilt, and embarrassment, all of which interfere with self-confidence. This shift makes it easier for us to accept that we have options from which we we can choose, and that there are ways to help us adjust to and start our lives to control. When we manage to achieve a change in our way of thinking, we will begin to feel stronger and more motivated, and this, as you have already understood, contributes to the development of resilience.

Although such a change in mindset seems easy to achieve, it is often difficult and may require special efforts from us. paying attention to the thoughts and beliefs that are constantly spinning in our heads, and working to make them more positive. This does not mean that we need to think only about something positive, but we must forbid our mind from keeping us in the trap of shame and reframe our thoughts. Reframing is rethinking something in order to look at it from a different point of view. We can do this with our thoughts and beliefs, and if you want to know if you need reframing, just answer the following four questions.

• Have you taken your judgments to the extreme by using words like always, never, nobody, or everyone?
• How often do you have certain accusations in your speech?
• Do you tend to take responsibility in situations that concern not only you personally, but also other people?
• Do you think you can read other people's minds or see the future?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, you should think about reframing your thoughts, that is, you need to consider the existence of other points of view. For example, is it possible that you don't always upset other people? Or, most likely, not only you are to blame for the fact that something bad happened? Can you accept the idea that it is impossible to know all the facts, and therefore impossible to be sure that the situation will necessarily develop in a negative scenario? When we bring our judgments to the absolute or fall into other thinking traps, we are no longer able to believe that we can make a better choice and everything will turn out well. If you find it difficult to consider even the possibility of a better future, consider whether you fell into one of the above traps and do your best to reframe your thoughts. This will help you see opportunities for growth and gain a more balanced view of your own life.

I also help my clients reframe the automatic thoughts and false beliefs they have by addressing their natural curiosity. Before we judge ourselves for the decision we've made or the difficulties we're having, can we find out more details about what happened? Perhaps we could try to find out more about the problem situation or understand our reaction.

The desire to learn more about yourself and the reasons for your actions will help you resist criticism and gain useful information about yourself and your past.

If we feel uncomfortable when a friend tells us how lucky he is to have us in his life, can we relate this reaction to something in the past? Maybe we have a memory of someone saying something nice to us, only to then hurt us? Or perhaps when we are told how helpful and kind we are, we worry that we will not be able to meet such high marks, and self-doubt and shame make us believe it. By being curious and trying to figure out the reasons why we think or act a certain way, we allow ourselves to judgment and censure to learn more about what we are experiencing, and the more we know, the more our ability to change develops and grow.

If we still find it difficult to believe that we are able to adapt to the situation and develop, keeping records can be another useful tool. Keeping track of what we're struggling with, working on, and waiting for will help us get everything out of your head and onto paper (or computer). So we get rid of rumination - constant scrolling in the head of the events of the past, we will stop focusing only on negative moments and help develop our own resilience. After keeping such records for any length of time, we can go back and notice how different our former way of thinking is from our present one, and how much we have changed. In doing so, we get proof that emotions and upsets go away over time, and we can also see how far we have come along the road to recovery. When we're going through a bad day or having to deal with PTSD symptoms, it can feel like we'll never be able to. better, but by having evidence that it has already happened, we help ourselves stay motivated and have faith in our abilities.

Cathy Morton and her book will help you recognize the signs of a traumatic experience in yourself, learn to recognize triggers and avoid them, and understand when it is important to see a therapist. The work will also be useful for those whose loved ones survived the tragic events and want to regain a sense of security and tranquility. The author retells real stories from his practice, so they will be close to many readers.

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