“We don’t just have a game of daddy and his baby”: stories of two couples about a big age difference

Couples in which the age of the partners varies greatly often face stigma. Often people around do not believe that they can have common interests, aspirations and outlooks on life. Our heroes told what it's like to meet a person who is more than 10 years younger than you.

“I didn’t want to be that man who always promises his young mistress to leave his wife”

My first wife and I got married at a young age: I was 23, she was 20. The time was different then, and it seemed to everyone that they needed to quickly start a family and children.

First I graduated from medical school, then I worked, then our daughter was born. There was no time to think about problems in marriage. Only ten years later I realized that something was going wrong. My first wife is a good woman, a reliable friend, and still is. But at that moment I realized that life with her under the same roof began to oppress me.

I deliberately stayed at work. I tried to see my friends more often. If some visits to relatives were planned, he would find excuses not to go and spend time with her.

I think she felt the same. We had an unspoken solidarity: "Thank God, I will be late at work" - "Thank God, he will be late at work."

But we didn't discuss the problems. Then it was somehow not accepted. The marriage was once and for all.

At the age of 37, I was transferred to a new department - then the medical building had just opened, and they needed oncologists. They promised good money.

There I met Lisa (name changed). She also worked in the oncology department, but she was very young, 25 years old, just graduated from the institute.

We began to communicate, but at first at the level of "hello - bye." I did not consider her as a partner, although she seemed pretty to me.

And then it turned out like in the series. One day she came to see me for advice on a difficult case she was facing. The questions that she asked, and the conclusions that she made, revealed her from the other side. I saw a very smart girl in front of me.

We began to communicate more often. And I saw that she was interested in me. Although now he claims that there was nothing like that (laughs). Lisa sometimes offered me to go to lunch together, for a smoke break. We talked a lot at corporate parties.

One day she asked me to help her move. I didn't mind - I had a roomy car then. Yes, and why prevaricate - I wanted to spend time with her. Lisa gave me something that I had never felt: some kind of lightness and freedom.

During the trip, we started talking, and I learned that she came to oncology for personal reasons: when she was 15, her mother died of breast cancer. And a year ago, Lisa broke up with a young man, although it was going to the wedding. When I asked why, she said that at some point she realized that he was not a match for her. With him, she did not feel elated and happy. “It felt like I had taken off my shackles,” she said at the time.

This made me think a lot: do I want to remove the shackles?

Three months later, my wife and I strongly quarreled. She had long wanted to go to the sea, but every time we did not succeed. Either there was no money, or my work interfered. And so, when she once again offered to go, and I again referred to work, she began to become hysterical.

I usually don't do this, but at that moment the situation escalated to the limit. And I just took and left the apartment - just not to participate in this nightmare. At first, he just traveled around the area. But then he suddenly decided to write to Lisa: “Can I come?” She replied, “Of course. What happened?"

And I didn't know what happened. I just wanted her. That day, for the first time, I stayed at Liza's for the night. There was no intimacy. We just talked until morning.

The next morning I felt guilty that I left like that. So the next day I made what seemed to me a reasonable decision and bought tickets for my wife and daughter. This corrected the situation: the wife calmed down, and two weeks later they left for Egypt. I had 10 days to think about what to do next. At that time, I was already clearly aware that I was drawn to Lisa.

And a couple of days later I invited her home for tea (actually - for wine). Then everything happened. I confessed that I had feelings for her. She said the same. But she added that she was afraid to talk about it because of my family. We overdid with alcohol and slept. The situation got worse.

But I did not want to be the man who always promises his young mistress to leave his wife.

Therefore, I firmly decided that I would tell everything when she returned from vacation. Surprisingly, my wife at that time took it more or less calmly. She said that in Egypt she also had time to think. And yes, we should probably end our marriage.

True, when she found out about my feelings for Lisa, she laughed. She jokingly said that I was having a midlife crisis and that that was why I decided to "trade her for a youngster." She didn't think it could be anything serious.

Some of my friends had the same reaction. They teased me - they say, I'm "daddy" now. It offended me, but I understood that it was not about our relationship with Lisa, but about the limitations of people.

The hardest thing was explaining the changes to her daughter. She started teenage age, and it was not clear how she might react. I introduced her to Lisa and told her that my divorce from her mother did not change our relationship with her. And she understood everything. And then she whispered in her ear: “I think Lisa suits you better.” You have no idea how happy it was to hear that.

A year later, Lisa and I got married. And two years later we had a son. And then another. My already grown daughter now calls me “adult dad” (laughs).

Over time, the environment realized that with Lisa we have not just a game of “daddy and his baby”, and began to take her seriously. But I always knew it. Relations with Lisa are like no other. I think this is true love.

“You understand that people like him need from you!”

We met on dating site 6 years ago. Herman first wrote to me. When this happened, I went to his profile. And, it seems, it was indicated there that he was looking for a girl from 25 to 30 years old. I immediately replied that he was in the wrong place. I am much older - at that time I was 43 years old. He was surprised: “Oh, you can’t tell from the pictures! It's not even noticeable." But the conversation continued.

In the morning we corresponded, and in the evening we met somewhere in the city. When you first see a person, you immediately feel whether he is yours or not. Herman was mine. Yes, and I liked him.

During communication, I tried not to dissolve in it, not to tell all the details of my life - why? But if he asked questions, she answered honestly: I am 43, I was married, I have children from a previous marriage. Still, this is not the first relationship when you try hard to please. I saw no reason to hide such facts.

Although I still hid something! Own name. The fact is that for a long time I was afraid to register on a dating site. After all, the city is small, suddenly someone sees something... I could not stand these discussions! Plus, they immediately start writing some crazy ones... In general, a nest of debauchery. It felt like you were putting yourself in a shop window.

Therefore, I put a photo in which it is difficult to recognize me, and signed with a different name - “Irina”. When we started talking with Herman, somehow there was no way to insert it into the dialogue, and then it just became strange - he would think that I was some kind of crazy!

For several days I thought about how to tell him that I am not Irina.

The truth was revealed under funny circumstances. One of the days we went to eat a melon on the Mountain of Love (an attraction of the city of Abakan). He asked if I played sports. I said, “Yes, I went to the gym. I was engaged. But I can't stand coaches! I think they are so stupid…”

He paused and said: “Oh, I’m just a coach ...” And I answered: “Oh, I’m not Irina ...” As a result, everyone laughed. In general, communication with Herman was not stressful, everything went somehow easily.

Two months later he moved in with me. We spent many evenings together. And I didn’t want to stay with him often - after all, my daughter was soon to go to study in another city, and my son was still small. It seemed wrong to me to transport my family to him. That's why he offered to live with me. And everything was gradual. Not that he packed all his things and moved in one day.

I immediately set conditions for Herman: “It is clear that you are not a father and are not obliged to take care of the children. But try to respect their interests and maintain a normal dialogue. I don't want the family to have conflicts. Because between a man and children, I will choose children.” As a result, everyone behaved very restrained and calm.

I told my daughter that this is my boyfriend. And to my son - that this is my friend who will live with us. He then said so funny: “Strange! Here is my friend Sasha, but he doesn’t sleep with me!” But the kids seemed to react well.

But my mother reacted to Herman with hostility. Only now, after 6 years of our life together, she at least began to restrain herself in expressions. And at first she could say: “You understand that people like him need you!” or “Here, I divorced one - I found a new problem.”

But this is not true. We didn’t even have a registered relationship, there was no common property. Just a partnership marriage where no one owes anything to anyone.

But my mother had fantasies: “I saw his car, he was driving with some girl, he is deceiving you.”

Each time it turned out that he could not even be in the place where his mother "saw" him. She tried to convince me that this was not my option.

But Herman's mother supported us. Said, "I know my son made the right choice." We have a very good relationship with her.

In the past, I had a marriage with a wealthy, but mentally unstable person. It was not so with Herman. He did not earn much, but it was impossible to piss him off. We hardly fought. Therefore, sometimes I even wanted to provoke him into a conflict.

For example, at first I was very wary of being older. Even if I looked good, it was still obvious that my appearance was not the same as that of his peers. And I could say something like: “Well, you love pensioners!” He was offended and said: “Why are you like this? I made my choice and I like it."

Then I realized that perhaps I was afraid that everything was fine with us. I thought if he was led to a provocation now, it would be easier for me to break up with him. But mine manipulation didn't work on him. One of his voice calmed me and did not let me get angry. The fact that we have maintained relations is a great merit of Herman.

Now I completely trust him. And I'm not afraid that he will exchange me for some younger woman. And even if we are not together in the future... So, it must be so. The main thing is that we gave a lot to each other.