How to Stop Being a Victim and Learn to Cope with Problems

We run into problems all the time. A major client once again changes his mind and asks to redo everything. The dollar is growing. The child is rude. The dog is sick again... Difficulties do not end, they tire, they make you panic. And this is the path to failure.

To win, you have to act like a grandmaster, says entrepreneur and financial advisor Patrick Beth-David. In Russian, his book "Five Moves Forward: From Personal Success to Business Success" was published by the Bombora publishing house. Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from the fourth chapter.

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You constantly hear people talking about the keys to success. This is probably the most common question on amateur podcasts because it's safe and easy. You'll hear responses ranging from "choose your spouse wisely" to "focus on health," "work hard," "gain faith," and a host of other things.

There will be moments when you feel like the world is coming to an end. The amateur panics, but the grandmaster does not.

Before doing anything, he must first "process" the information about what is happening and do it while remaining calm. That's why stoicism so important and so complex, and that is why the wisdom of Marcus Aurelius and Seneca has stood the test of time. Emotions can take over each of us and cloud our reasoning. Unfortunately, I have repeatedly learned this lesson the hard way. So my answer about the key to success for people at all levels of business is: "Learn to deal with problems."

There is always something going on in life; your reaction depends on how you solve problems.

Most entrepreneurs don't fail because of a flawed business model or investor failure. Their failures are due to their unwillingness to part with preconceived notions about work and life. They refuse to solve any problems as they arise and draw the necessary conclusions.

Some say that common sense cannot be taught. I am sure that it can be taught and learned - because once you start thinking more strategically, making important decisions will become second nature to you. Not so long ago, I was a short-tempered CEO with a terrible temper. In 2013, he was admitted to the hospital due to another panic attack - they were repeated daily for a year and a half. The main cause of panic attacks was indecision! What kept me awake at night and made my heart beat faster was not a workload that I could handle. The problem was that I never stopped thinking about problems. I replayed every decision and every conversation in my head over and over again. It was eating me alive and hurting both my business and personal life.

I didn't have peace of mind because I was afraid to make the wrong decision.

I know what it's like to work 18 hours a day and still feel like you're wasting your time. Like most of us, early in my career I was pursuing certainty and treating every problem as if it were strictly black or white, with only one right answer. If only I could find it! It was equally useless and tedious. […]

The Most Important Trait for Effective Information Processing: Taking Responsibility

Great problem solvers use the word "I" and see their role in any situation. They ask questions such as: “How did I contribute to this? What did I do to create this situation? How can I improve and be better prepared to deal with something like this in the future?” Bad solvers problems play the role of a victim and blame others and external events, instead of seeing their own contribution to the occurrence Problems. You will immediately guess that you are faced with a bad solver, since he never uses the word “I”, but says the following: “All millennials are lazy. These kids don't have a work ethic. My business is suffering because of them.”

Experienced solvers replace the pronoun "they" (or "you" or "it") with the word "I". When faced with the same problem an experienced solver will say, “I can’t manage millennials. I have to learn to better understand them, to know what drives them and to identify my blind spots. Or I need to hire people of a different generation. In any case, I will have to solve this problem.”

Mediocre people are distinguished from outstanding by the degree of depth of information processing. Most people are surface-level solvers, but the best of the best go much deeper. The difference between a grandmaster and an amateur comes down to the difference between long-term and short-term thinking. Surface level solvers are looking for a fast solution. They only think one move ahead and their goal is to make the problem go away for now. Deep level solvers look for causes below the surface. They think several moves ahead and plan their sequence to make sure the problem doesn't happen again.

It is important that you see how most people solve problems. Blaming others and running away are the most common reactions you may have. I understood. We are all human. Check the list to see what choice you are making.

Three approaches to problem solving

1. Look for someone to blame. It is much easier to present the problem as external than to resolve it. If you can't single out a specific person, email all of your contacts by sending them to hell and adding a series of middle finger emojis.
2. Look for a safe place to run to and a way to distract yourself. Check Instagram. Turn on the news, a cable sports channel, or flip through the yellow press. Make it look like you're doing a bunch of tasks at the same time by clearing out your inbox. Better yet, wrap up and go home to a warm bed.
3. Find a way to act, taking over responsibility. Take a deep breath and remind yourself that moments like these are what separate the winners from the losers.

Great solvers don't give up their role

"It's my fault".

These two simple words are used by all great solvers all the time. Winners also utter phrases such as "It's my fault" and "We have no one to blame but ourselves."

What are the victims doing? Blame the software, the market, teammates, customers, managers. They point the finger at everyone but themselves. And as a result, they keep making the same mistakes and losing.

I bet you know these people. They're the ones who tell you that it's always someone else's fault. It is a constant history of victims and a bottomless sea of ​​complaints. By blaming others, they are distracted and do not see themselves as the common factor in all interactions. Author and relationship coach Mark Manson said:

Contrast the victims with the victors. They are easy to distinguish. They are the ones who take responsibility for the problems.

Children will say: "He broke." Mature, responsible adults say, "I broke it."

Joe RoganJoseph James "Joe" Rogan is an American comedian, actor, martial artist, sportscaster, and television personality. is a perfect example of a leader who behaves responsibly. Rogan has had success in stand-up comedy, acting, martial arts, commentating UFCThe Ultimate Fighting Championship is a sports organization based in Las Vegas, United States that hosts mixed martial arts fights around the world. and hosting his own podcast. In my opinion, the key to his success is the ability to solve problems and take responsibility. He does not hide his opinions and thoughts. He just says what he thinks, and at the same time allows others to catch a glimpse of how he approaches problems.

On one of his podcasts, he ranted about how a guy he partnered with to sell coffee was using his platform in a way that Rogan didn't like. There was in his voice disappointment. Instead of blaming the other guy, Rogan took charge. Instead of saying that he was a victim, he acknowledged his role in what happened. His exact words were:

He had every right to be angry. Most people would focus on what the other person did. Instead of saying he was set up (and therefore a victim to be taken advantage of), Rogan acknowledged the fact that he bought into (and became complicit in creating the problem). If you solve problems and take responsibility, you stop blaming others. Of course, Rogan began to get angry, but, considering the question, he said:

In other words, it didn't take long for him to realize that his frustration was rooted in his own actions.

A problem solver for decades understands that no one will do anything to a person without their permission. Instead of being bitter successful people use adversity as leverage to help them improve. In this case, Rogan channeled his frustration into avoiding repeating the mistake. While most people were blaming someone else on social media or threatening legal action, Rogan was learning. He said:

What steps to take if someone has accused you

1. Take responsibility for your role in what happened.
2. Be specific about what you did to create the problem.
3. Channel your frustration into improving and preventing problems in the future.

This is the winning approach in action—an effective method for a person who is used to solving problems and using them to learn and grow. This is not an innate skill and not something that can be mastered overnight. However, one can definitely learn how to act in this way ...

…And you can also teach others. If you manage people, you need to go beyond your own problems. You must transfer the skill of settlement to your managers and employees. The best way is by personal example. When you become a deep level solver, you set an example for how to deal with problems. This is very important for scaling your business.

I emphasize that problem solving is the most important skill to master, because you will have to do it several times a day for the rest of your life. It is the ability to take responsibility for yourself, and not blame others, that will change everything. You will change from a victim of circumstance to a person creating your own reality.

How to deal with a crisis

I really want to take responsibility and realize my role in what is happening. Behaving like a victim is the opposite of a grandmaster. At the same time, let's acknowledge that a lot really happens outside of your control. As we learned from the pandemic that began in early 2020, we have to deal with external forces that have nothing to do with our choice.

Many things are not your fault.

Negative events happen, and they are beyond our control.

10 types of crises

1. Health.
2. Technology or cybernetics.
3. Organizational.
4. Violence.
5. Revenge from a former employee.
6. Slander.
7. Financial (personal or market changes).
8. "Black Swan".
9. Personal.
10. Natural.

Crises have different durations. Some last an hour, others a quarter or even a year. Business, like the stock market, cannot stand uncertainty. The unknown breeds fear.

When a crisis occurs, the leader's responsibility increases tenfold. In a time of heightened uncertainty, too many leaders make the mistake of shutting up. In the absence of a plan, they feel that it is better to say nothing than to speak inappropriately.

Silence during a crisis is an example of how to make an easy choice instead of an effective one. In fact, the importance of free and high-quality communication increases in times of crisis. When everyone goes crazy, you, the acting leader, should be a safe haven in rough seas. Decisiveness, resilience and calm discussion of issues are especially important at such a time.

The way you react either shortens or prolongs the crisis. Let's rate each crisis on a scale of 1 to 10.

What prolongs or shortens the duration of the crisis

1. your strategies.
2. Your level of self-control.
3. Your exaggeration of the crisis: turning 3 into 9.
4. Your understatement of the crisis: turning a 9 into a 3.
5. Your ability to see five moves ahead.

There is no reason to blame yourself for an accident or a pandemic. You didn't create the crisis. But it is the response to it that will determine the life or death of your business.

Patrick Beth-David teaches readers of his book to think several moves ahead. This is how chess grandmasters and successful managers operate. This is what allows us to achieve the most ambitious goals, overcome obstacles, and take our business to a new level.

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