What is the danger of excellent student syndrome and how to get rid of it

Achievement syndrome is a firm belief that the ideal is attainable, which leads to chronic discontent and anxiety.

Svetlana Komissaruk, Ph.D. and professor at Columbia University, believes this kind of perfectionism is especially characteristic of the generation “sandwich"- to people aged 45 to 60 years. She is also convinced that it is quite possible to cope with this syndrome.

Her new book, The Sandwich Generation. Forgive parents, understand children and learn to take care of yourself ”was published by the publishing house“ Bombora ”. With his permission, Lifehacker publishes an excerpt from Chapter 11, which deals with Achievement Syndrome.

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If you calmly figure it out, then perfectionism and attention to the assessment of others is not so bad. Excellent students respond honestly and quickly to constructive criticism and take responsibility for mistakes. It is convenient and reliable with such people. They are obligatory, they bring the job started to the end, they are not arrogant and not narcissistic. They act decently, attentive to the needs of others. In general, almost perfect. Why change this?

The problem is that in the soul of such an excellent student there is an eternal dreary self-doubt, self-criticism and a constant fear of exposure: “If others only knew who I really was, they would not want to deal with me and I would have remained naked, like that king in a fairy tale Andersen. What if I can't do it? Maybe it's better not to start? My victory is really nothing, both of them really succeeded, and my achievements can be easily and quickly devalued. I myself with this depreciation I can easily cope without waiting for exposure... "

What can you say here? People who are ideal in the eyes of others, inside, alone with themselves, can feel very bad. And, with rare exceptions, self-dissatisfaction becomes chronic.

However, there is good news here: how to cope with excellent student syndrome and low self-esteem it is necessary, working only with oneself - this task is within our power. After all, we are talking about an internal change that depends entirely on us. Nobody will give us deliverance, as they say. What if we are susceptible to excellent student syndrome and this poisons our lives?

You need to start with a paradoxical step. You need to start with full agreement that our inner critic, claiming that we have something to expose and that we are not at all as perfect as it seems... right. Accept that we really are not excellent students. We are not doing our best. We are lazy, we cut corners, we break standards, and we don't follow through. We are only human.

Try saying it out loud to yourself (preferably without extra ears). What's going on with you? You may feel fear. You may want to argue and justify yourself. Perhaps you will lose heart and you will fall into despondency and indifference. This is all normal. This is your reaction to your assessment. Here you can and should change something. It does not depend on anyone else, only on you: to raise your self-esteem and react to your imperfection calmly.

Radical acceptance More about the radical acceptance technique: Linehan M. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for Borderline Personality Disorder. Kiev: Williams, 2020 the fact that you are just a human being, with your cockroaches, laziness and imperfection, is the first and main step in overcoming the excellent student's syndrome. Adoption what sometimes turns out to be a C. That sometimes you make mistakes. Sometimes big mistakes. And perhaps they will happen again. Because you are only human.

But how, then, can one get rid of the habitual urge to do everything at five, which hurts and torments so much? How to stop reaching out on tiptoe and stand on a full foot? There is no need to get rid of the desire to do perfectly well. You just need to choose from all your roles and tasks exactly the one that really requires perfectionism.

After all, we all, of course, want to see our doctor, or financier, or architect, or pilot only as a perfectionist. But at the same time, no one needs to be an excellent student in everything! Everyone can choose their own battles. And it is there to direct all your efforts, allowing yourself to lower the bar in other areas. And nothing will happen.

And self-esteem in an area that is important to us will deservedly rise. After all, this is not necessary succeed everywhere and at once. By the way, we can also change the choice of the area in which we now need to push, putting aside everything else. This is our decision, our assessment, and therefore it also depends only on us. No matter what those around us tell us and no matter what rotten apples they threw at us.

By giving yourself the right to make mistakes, you will gradually become kinder to yourself. You will become more forgiving of your weaknesses and shortcomings. Others are drawn to such people, and not at all to chronic excellent students. After all, next to a person who admits his own shortcomings and allows himself a mistake, one can also not stand on tiptoe and not strive for perfection. And also be real, not cardboard examples of winners from the Soviet pioneer poster.

Your children will be calmer in telling you about their failures, because they will understand: everyone has it, even their parents. Your daughter, instead of a hereditary sense of duty and anxiety, will become "a good enough mom", according to the ingenious expression of Winnicott This term was first introduced by the wonderful child psychologist and physician Donald Woods Winnicott. Cm. his book "Little Children and Their Mothers" (Moscow: Klass Publishing House, 2016) . She may not always have the perfect order, as you once did. But she will get enough sleep while the child is sleeping, and will take him in her arms and rejoice in him. And the child will feel that the mother is calm and the world is safe. Only by recognizing our imperfection and resigning ourselves to it, we will finally cease to inherit the excellent student's syndrome.

Svetlana Komissaruk analyzes in detail all aspects of the life of representatives of the "sandwich" generation and gives practical advice based on experience and modern psychological research.

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