How to recognize and deal with gaslighting

What is gaslighting

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse where the victim is forcedGaslighting / Psychology Today to doubt her feelings, memories and adequacy in general. As a result, a person is constantly confused, his self-esteem falls, he is unable to defend himself. This is what the manipulator wants - to make the victim weak and use it to his advantage.

Sometimes gaslighting is unintentional. Then the manipulator himself is not aware of what he is doing. But that doesn't make the victim any easier.

Unlike physical abuse, psychological abuse does not happen overnight. Doctor of Psychology and author of the book on gaslighting Robin Stern highlightsAre You Being Gaslighted? / Psychology Today three stages: denial, defense and depression.

At the first stage, the manipulator starts to behave a little strange. For example, he denies past agreements or firmly declares that there were no events at all. During this period, the victim is still sure that everything that happens is the result of a simple misunderstanding.

In the second stage, the pressure of the gaslighter becomes apparent: he blames his target for sensitivity and stupidity, devalues her emotions. The victim resists and tries to rectify the situation, but in vain.

At the stage of depression, the object of the attack refuses to fight and begins to believe in the justice of the words of the manipulator. The victim admits that all quarrels and failures are associated with her worthlessness, and begins to obey the gaslighter in everything.

How to recognize gaslighting

Typically manipulators use11 Red Flags of Gaslighting in a Relationship / Psychology Today certain techniques to confuse the victim.

The man is lying openly

Gaslighter regularly denies objective facts and retracts his words. Even if the victim is sure of the reality of the event or has evidence, manipulator continues to lie calmly. If the evidence is irrefutable, such a person will report that he was misunderstood: "As always, you can do it."

A person's words do not match actions

For example, he may claim to do all the housework, even though he hasn't lifted a finger in the past few weeks. Anything to put pressure on your target.

The person regularly insults and hurts

These can be malicious jokes or openly offensive statements, the main thing is regularity. In fact, this is the "frog in boiling water" tactic from the famous anecdote. If you throw a frog into boiling water, it will jump out. But if you put it in warm water, and then gradually increase the temperature, the animal will not even notice how it will cook. When a victim is devalued a little every day, eventually she gets used to it too.

The man hits the most sensitive places

Manipulators are well aware of the weaknesses of their target. For example, if the victim is worried about a relationship with a child, the gaslighter will declare that such a muddle should not have had children at all. If the target doubts in its appearance, it will sound: "Well, let's look at things realistically: where are you with such legs ..."

Man tries to confuse the victim

For example, he praises, gives gifts, confesses his love. Psychologists call this behavior positive reinforcement. Its purpose is to make the victim think that the gaslighter is not so bad, and all the existing problems are in relationship with him she invented or herself is to blame for them.

A person uses other people's opinions to deceive

This can be either a real judgment or a fictitious one. For example: "Your sister, by the way, also thinks that you are behaving like a child." Or: "Yes, I saw your colleagues, they say that in this project you are like a fifth wheel to them." In such a situation, the victim feels that everyone around him is against him. And you can only rely on a gaslighter who at least sometimes shows support.

A person sets up her loved ones against the victim

To do this, he tells the victim's family and friends about her shortcomings, ascribes to her invented words and actions. The gaslighter makes sure that the target is in complete social isolation, when no one believes and has no one to rely on.

The person constantly repeats that everyone else is lying.

This is how the manipulator tries to make the victim doubt reality. And also to further limit the circle of communication - after all, you cannot trust anyone.

What to do if you are a victim of gaslighting

Do not tolerate. Gaslighting is a psychological abuse that can destroyGaslighting / Psychology Today your personality, literally. One of the most common reported symptomsAre you being gaslighted? / Psychology Today victims of gaslighters, sounds like this: "I have changed, I am no longer who I was before."

If you find yourself embroiled in a destructive relationship, you need to act. And the first step is to admit that you are in a gaslighting situation. And then psychologists, including Robin Stern, recommendRobin Stern. I’ve counseled hundreds of victims of gaslighting. Here’s how to spot if you’re being gaslighted. / Vox act like that.

Separate facts from distortions and lies

To do this, keep a special diary. Record in it the key moments of your conversations with who you consider to be a gaslighter. Later, you can compare your notes with the new interpretation of the potential manipulator.

This approach will allow you to find ground under your feet and stop doubting forever.

Start to respect your feelings and empathize with yourself.

You are the best support you have. Therefore, try to be attentive to your emotions. If you are offended in response to a tactless joke, then you should not apologize for the "bad sense of humor." If you are upset, then there are reasons for that. If you are afraid, fear did not appear out of nowhere. All your experiences are important, and to them worth listening to.

Remember that you cannot always change the mind of another person.

If he thinks that you are wrong in everything, that you behave in the wrong way, that you do not feel that way, it is better to step aside, and not try to prove something over and over again. Let him think what he wants.

Stop endless showdown

If you feel like you're carrying on the same conversation over and over and, despite your best efforts, you can't get your point across, that dialogue probably doesn't make sense.

Find the strength to talk to close friends

Ask if they notice how you have changed. Find out what they think about your behavior and the actions of the person you think is a gaslighter. Ask people to be as sincere as possible.

Do mental exercises

Imagine being ripped toxic relationship or a probable gaslighter temporarily left for another country. How are you feeling? What are you experiencing? What do you do? It is important that your idea of ​​a free life be as positive as possible - even if it is alarming at first. Imagine yourself strong, free and confident.

This exercise will allow you to gradually break out of harmful behavioral patterns.

End a destructive relationship

It is often difficult to part with a manipulator, since he can be a spouse, best friend, mother, brother or sister. In this case, in addition to gaslighting, you are also bound by a habit and a sense of responsibility. But try to look at the situation a little from the outside: it is normal to break off a relationship with someone who constantly hurts you. It is not necessary to drag the overwhelming load on yourself further.

Be prepared to find it difficult to break out of this relationship. You may need help from friends and family — for example, moving out of your gaslighter spouse.

See a psychologist

If you are constantly depressed or feel strongly attached to the manipulator and unable to break up with him, a visit to a psychologist or psychotherapist. The specialist will help restore self-esteem, deal with negative patterns and understand the manipulation.