Feminitives, Same-Sex Couples, and Vegans: Why Doesn't Even That Has Anything to Do with Us Infuriate Us

Why we react violently to other people's actions

You never know what might cause resentment. For example, a person left the house wearing socks and sandals. It is convenient for him - he does not rub anything. But eyewitnesses sometimes boil so much that they begin to surreptitiously take pictures and upload images to the Web: they say, look what the owner of the sandals allows himself?

Or someone at a party is giving up alcohol. He does not promote sobriety, does not rip the glasses out of the hands of those around him - he just drinks mineral water. There will definitely be people who will force this person to drink, make fun of him or even secretly pour alcohol.

And if the text contains the word "author", a circle of purity devotees will immediately form in the comments. Russian language. Although some of them in the 2000s had fun learning "Albany", and nowhere did they sting. And many of the zealots are at all at odds with spelling and punctuation.

These examples have one thing in common: too violent reaction of eyewitnesses. It would seem, is there anything to worry about? After all, other people's socks, a glass and feminitives do not concern other people at all.

But experts say that this is not the case. If the reaction is strong, then it is not accidental.

Mikhail Valuisky

Psychiatrist, psychotherapist.

We are not annoyed by things that do not concern us. It is annoying that it concerns the subjective things within us. We build our own image of the world in our heads in order to more easily prevent its changes. This is how a person differs from animals: he does not adapt himself to changes in the environment, growing wool or claws. He predicts changes and adapts the environment for himself: he builds houses, produces fire and skins.

We also have in our head an image of the world, saturated with rules and obligatory interactions. And when we have built enough of these rules, we begin to think that we can predict this world, the development of events, and we cease to be afraid of the unknown and uncertainty.

However, no matter how many rules we come up with, the world will find a way to surprise - or kick. And when something happens that breaks out of our rulebook - not concerning us, but concerning the invented image of the world, we react to such a change.

In general, there are several reasons for the violent reaction.

Fear

According to Dr. Valuisky, anger, including in its mild form in the form of irritation, is a secondary emotion. It never appears first.

Mikhail Valuisky

Anger always follows something - most often after fear. When you talk to an angry person, it usually turns out that something that caused the anger, in his opinion, will harm him in some way.

Take everyday homophobia. Often when asked, "Why are you so angry with gays?" answer: "Because they will corrupt my children!" Anger arises as a response to fear for the child.

And although homophobia can harm children much more, many do not want to understand this and cultivate anger.

Guilt and shame

Anger can be a response to more than just fear. It works in tandem with other unpleasant experiences. For example, with feelings of guilt or shame.

Mikhail Valuisky

A striking example is vegetarianism. “He doesn't eat meat. He probably thinks that he is better than me. And if he is better than me, then I am worse. I am bad!" - the person concludes. He experiences discomfort and reacts to it through anger. He is trying to get this world to make sure that there are no factors that cause him to feel guilty.

Rejection of the unusual

Psychologist Andrei Smirnov believes that anger as a reaction to the unusual has deep historical roots, deeply rooted in the subconscious of a person.

In ancient times, it was impossible to survive alone. And people united to confront enemies or to seize new territories. Thus, communities and tribes arose that had their own internal orders and competed with other groups. From this came the division into "ours" and "strangers".

The strength of the clan and tribe rested on unity of views. Therefore, outsiders were treated with suspicion and disdain, and sometimes just got rid of them. For a start, they tried to convince the troublemakers inside the tribe, sometimes with the use of force. But if this did not help, then the disobedient were expelled, which was almost tantamount to death.

Andrey Smirnov

Master of Psychology, Practical Psychologist.

This approach is so firmly ingrained in the subconscious that even modern people are annoyed if someone is different from the general mass, violates dogmas and stereotypes. Usually people do not even think about the mechanisms of such hostility, but openly show negative emotions. This is the basis of racism, including racial discrimination. “He” is not like us, which means he is dangerous - such a simple logic.

It is important here to understand what rules a person does not follow. If someone exceeds the speed limit on the road and creates an emergency, then breaks the law. It is logical to be angry with such an intruder, he is dangerous. A passer-by in socks and sandals dressed contrary to the recommendations of the guru from Instagram, but does not harm anyone.

Dissatisfaction with yourself

Psychologist Oksana Konovalova notes that things that do not suit us in ourselves or in our lives are usually annoying.

Oksana Konovalova

Practicing psychologist, culturologist, candidate of philosophical sciences.

Sometimes these are very simple projections. For example, if I am annoyed by other people's unkempt nails, perhaps it’s time for me to get a manicure myself. And if I am annoyed by a bright manicure, which I do not have, most likely, deep down I want it, but for some reason I do not allow myself to do it.

In cases where it seems that this does not concern me, everything is more complicated, projections work differently. Here is an example from private psychological practice. One woman was very annoyed by beggars. Annoyed with exactly what they asked. For her, "beg" and "beg" are synonyms and both mean something unworthy. Such an attitude from childhood. And when she analyzed her relationships in her own family, she saw that she herself did not know how to ask, did not ask and did not allow herself to ask for something from her husband. Therefore, she was so annoyed by those who knew how to ask and asked.

Desire to release negativity

Irritation is a form of aggression that occurs due to discomfort. Moreover, the latter is always the responsibility of the person himself. If he felt uncomfortable, but did not eliminate it, irritation is guaranteed. And it will splash out, most likely, on the first one that comes to hand.

For example, a girl left the house and realized that she had not dressed for the weather. She feels like she's too hot. You can take off your sweater, jacket and carry them in your hands, but this is inconvenient. And I don’t want to go home and change, laziness. As a result, the girl goes about her business and feels that the discomfort increases, irritation appears. And this discontent is connected exclusively with her.

At some point, she finds herself in the crowd, where she is pushed by some plump lady. And the girl crumbles in a stream of curses regarding the woman's weight. It seems that fat people are annoying, but no. Infuriates all the same warm clothes that too lazy replace.

Oksana Konovalova

Aggression by nature is given to us as energy for change. If we feel anger, anger, irritation, then there is something that does not suit us, and this something needs to be changed. But sometimes it is scary or lazy to change. In this case, the energy given to us to change our lives will not be spent in a targeted manner, but it will need to be thrown out - on the one who falls under the hot hand.

When we are irritated with someone, it is important to understand that, most likely, this irritation is “ours” and it is connected with us.

What to do if you get irritable

You can, of course, do nothing, live in your own world and hate everyone who does not fit into it. Those who decide to reduce the level of aggression will have to do introspection: irritation is always about oneself and never about another.

Therefore, it is important to formulate what exactly something or someone is hurting you, and to look for these problems inside. You need to try to understand where you violated your own boundaries, did not take care of yourself, brought yourself to discomfort and irritation.

This will help sort out some of the problems. But there is still some discomfort that can cause everything that is unknown and incomprehensible to us. And to cope with this feeling, it is worth trying to comprehend the unknown.

Mikhail Valuisky

We need to deal with the beliefs, attitudes and rules that we create within ourselves. After all, the reason is precisely in them. Some are already outdated, in need of modernization. And you need to respond flexibly, change them in order to quickly adapt to the changed circumstances of the environment. The only way out is this.

Base ethical the principle of “live and let live” has never been so useful.

Andrey Smirnov

Everyone has the right to individuality as long as it does not interfere or harm others. That is why we are called for tolerance towards different minorities. In society, there should be mutual respect for a person's personal choice and it is unacceptable to arrange persecution if someone is different from us.

Getting rid of irritation overnight will not work, this is real work. But life will become much simplerif you learn to allow yourself and others more.

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