What to do if there is gossip about you

Why do people gossip

One by oneR. I. M. Dunbar. Gossip in Evolutionary Perspective / Review of General Psychology From versions, in the past, gossip was a way to establish contacts in large social groups and convey important information. For example, that a merchant sells yesterday's fish or a drunken fight has started somewhere and it is better not to go there. According to another version, the function of gossip is toR. F. Baumeister, L. Zhang, K. D. Vohs. Gossip as Cultural Learning / Review of General Psychology denote socially unacceptable behavior and thus educate society.

Everyone is gossiping to one degree or another.R. I. M. Dunbar, A. Marriott, N. D. C. Duncan. Human conversational behavior / Human Nature

. ResearchM. L. Robbins, A. Karan. Who Gossips and How in Everyday Life? / Social Psychological and Personality Science show that more often than not they are just innocent talking about others people. However, gossip can also be defamatory and offensive.

Where does the gossip come from?

There are three main paths. In the first case, initially truthful information, having passed through several hands (or mouths), acquires incredible details, or even turns into something completely different. Someone heard something wrong, someone misunderstood, someone forgot a part and composed it on their own - this is how real facts can give rise to gossip.

The second reason is the spread of unverified information, that is rumors. When a person knows something only fragmentarily, he seeks to think out what is missing on his own. For example, someone caught a glimpse of something or heard something out of the way, “learned everything,” and spread it. This is how the most ridiculous gossip can appear.

Finally, the third reason is when people deliberately distribute false intelligence. The motives can be different:

• Boredom. People try to compensate for the inferiority and lack of color in their own lives, and therefore exaggerate / distort information about others or come up with fables, purposefully create conflicts.
• From the desire to rise in the eyes of others. Gossip fulfills an important social function: their retelling, as it were, brings people together. Some may spread defamatory information about others in order to gain attention and increase their authority.
• Out of anger. Gossip canE. Seppälä. What to Do When You’re the Target of a Hurtful Office Rumor / Harvard Business Review to spread spiteful critics, deliberately trying to denigrate the person to whom they, for some reason, harbored a grudge.
• Because of the tainted first impression. People often draw conclusions about another person from the first meeting and sometimes spread these prejudices among acquaintances.

How to understand that they are gossiping about you

There are several signs that others will or are already spreading rumors about you.

They've already gossiped about others

If someone loves to discuss other people's life, then he is unlikely to deny himself the pleasure of gossiping about you. Such people like to rub in the trustto get the information they need. And if you open up with them, after a while you can learn a lot about yourself - albeit from new lips.

They stop talking when they see you

If, for example, you walk into a room full of colleagues, and they suddenly become silent, this can be a rather alarming sign. Of course, they could talk about something frivolous. But most likely they were just discussing you.

You are asked strange questions

If, for example, someone started a rumor that you were vacationing in the Maldives during a long time off, there may be someone who is interested to know the details. And this person will be very surprised when he finds out that in fact you lay at home with a temperature for a week.

Sometimes, if the interlocutor is afraid or embarrassed to ask directly, he may ask leading questions in the spirit of "What did you do on the weekend?" or "How did you spend your free time?"

Why gossip can't be tolerated

Not all gossip is equally harmful, but some of it can hit a person very painfully.

They defame the reputation

Bad impressions are much more acute.E. Seppälä. What to Do When You’re the Target of a Hurtful Office Rumor / Harvard Business Reviewthan positive. This is largely why we usuallyM. Feinberg, R. Willer, M. Schultz. Gossip and Ostracism Promote Cooperation in Groups / Psychological Science We are serious about information that puts someone in an unattractive light. It kind of warns us of potential danger.

The problem is that this information can be false, and negative prejudices are very difficult to overcome. Therefore, gossipers can very badly spoil reputation your victim.

They ruin life

A shaky reputation often leads to problems in communicating with other people. So, due to gossip, the team mayE. Seppälä. What to Do When You’re the Target of a Hurtful Office Rumor / Harvard Business Review start to ignore or even poison person.

Gossip victim mayE. Martinescu, O. Janssen, B. A. Nijstad. Self ‑ Evaluative and Other ‑ Directed Emotional and Behavioral Responses to Gossip About the Self / Frontiers in Psychology experience serious mental health problems. So, someone's self-esteem falls, depression appears, and someone even thinks about suicide.

They can instill a false sense of guilt.

Some start lookingE. Martinescu, O. Janssen, B. A. Nijstad. Self ‑ Evaluative and Other ‑ Directed Emotional and Behavioral Responses to Gossip About the Self / Frontiers in Psychology the reason for the appearance of gossip in oneself. They try to understand what they did to the offenders or where they stumbled, giving them a reason to gloat. Thus, a person, as it were, projects false information onto himself in such a way that he himself seems to begin to believe in speculations about him. Because of this, he may to blame yourself for what is not.

Dealing With Emotions When People Gossip About You

To prevent gossip from damaging your mental health, Yale School of Management Lecturer and Center Director in Altruism and Education Research at Stanford University Emma Seppälä recommendsE. Seppälä. What to Do When You’re the Target of a Hurtful Office Rumor / Harvard Business Review do the following.

Don't give up and don't let feelings get the best of you

Because of injustice and resentment, you mayE. Martinescu, O. Janssen, B. A. Nijstad. Self ‑ Evaluative and Other ‑ Directed Emotional and Behavioral Responses to Gossip About the Self / Frontiers in Psychology feel powerless. At such moments, it is better to distract yourself for a while and return to the problem with a "cold" head. So try to find something that will calm you down: special breathing practices, meditation, taking a break from work, playing sports, or walking in the fresh air.

Don't blame yourself

You must understand that it is not your fault that someone said something bad about you. Especially if this is not true. Try to realize that the gossipers are not discussing your real identity. For them you are just a kind of vague image generated by their complexes, envy, anger or inferiority. This image is not you, and it exists only in the minds of your offenders. And they should be ashamed, not you.

In addition, negativity is usually associated not only with the person to whom it belongs, but also with the person who spreads it. Should we take the opinions of such people seriously? Not at all.

Forgive the gossipers for their limitations.

Research shows 1. S. Noreen, R. N. Bierman, M. D. MacLeod. Forgiving You Is Hard, but Forgetting Seems Easy: Can Forgiveness Facilitate Forgetting? / Psychological Science
2. X. Zheng, R. Fehr, K. Tai et al. The Unburdening Effects of Forgiveness: Effects on Slant Perception and Jumping Height / Social Psychological and Personality Sciencethat it might help to worry less about gossip. Try to sincerely forgive your own offenders. For example, admit that it's likely their life is so hard or boring that they'll crawl into yours. You may even feel sorry for them about yourself. Remember that those who forgives others, does better for himself.

Let the time pass

Perhaps the gossip will quickly subside by itself. If, for example, in a new team they say about you that you like to shove off work on others, but you time after time you demonstrate that you do everything yourself and even sometimes help colleagues, hearing quickly fades out. Therefore, before you do something, think about whether phrases that defame you will sound as loud a week or a month later. They probably aren't even worth your reaction.

Don't let gossipers feel like they've hurt you

Try not to show them how much the information they spread hurts you, and stay calm. Your upset or violent reaction will not only convince the majority of the truthfulness of the rumors, but will also delight those who deliberately lie about you out of envy or hidden anger.

Share your experiences only with loved ones and those you trust and who can support you. This will eliminate the feeling that you are alone against the whole world.

What you can do to end gossip

Also Emma Seppala and University of Michigan professor Kim Cameron (K. Cameron) give 1. E. Seppälä. What to Do When You’re the Target of a Hurtful Office Rumor / Harvard Business Review
2. E. Seppälä, K. Cameron. Proof That Positive Work Cultures Are More Productive / Harvard Business Review some tips on how to deal with the spread of libel.

Don't pretend you don't know anything about the rumors circulating about you.

If you have already heard that someone is spreading gossip about you, there is no point in trying to convince others that this is the first time you hear about it. This will play against you and in favor of those who are in vain on you. Especially if false information has already spread around everyone. Do not be shy about gossiping about you, because you are not to blame for this. Openly acknowledge that you are in the know. For example, say something like "I heard some people believe ...". So you will show that you are not afraid of evil tongues and you have nothing to hide.

Find your allies

It is especially helpful to tell your friends and people you are good at and who treat you well that you are the target of unfair rumors right away. If you yourself tell them that fables are being spread about you, most likely these people will believe you, not the gossips. And then you will have allies in the fight against untruth.

Show that the gossip is deceitful

The best way to fight false information is truth. Therefore, if you can reasonably refute the rumors, do it! Someone says that you have started novel with a colleague and the other day after your shift, did you go to a restaurant together? Tell us that you actually went to a seminar where a bunch of people saw you, including a few people from work.

But it's worth remembering that the explanation shouldn't look like an excuse. For example, you are not obliged to report to anyone about your life and are free to spread about it only when you yourself think it is necessary, and not when someone tries to push you against the wall with their conjectures.

Talk to someone who is gossiping about you

This conversation can be unpleasant and awkward, but it can pay off. So, the person who triggered a rumor may not know that he spread a lie, and may not understand that it brings you discomfort. It is possible that after the conversation he will change his point of view and stop doing nasty things.

Therefore, sometimes it makes sense to talk with a gossip in private, explain to him reasonably why he is wrong and what damage he does. At the same time, it is worthwhile to behave calmly and with restraint.

Maintain your dignity

Do not roll up scandals and do not arrange public showdowns with offenders. All this plays not in your favor and only convinces people of the truthfulness of the rumors.

Also, there is no need to descend to the level of gossips and produce slander on your own. This may lead people to the idea that you are trying to hide the truth of the talk about you by countering rumors. By doing so, you will only strengthen the gossip.

Protect your good name by law

In especially difficult cases, for example, when gossip has grown into bullying, brought you moral or even physical damage, you can go to court and bring the offender to criminal liability for libelArticle 128.1 of the Criminal Code of the Russian Federation. Slander. True, you will have to prove that there was a spread of deliberately false information defaming your honor or reputation. And it won't be easy to do it.

How to prevent gossip

Also, experts offer 1. E. Seppälä. What to Do When You’re the Target of a Hurtful Office Rumor / Harvard Business Review
2. E. Seppälä, K. Cameron. Proof That Positive Work Cultures Are More Productive / Harvard Business Review try to create a comfortable atmosphere in the team so that gossip does not appear in it at all. Here's what you can do to do this.

Build connections with the team

Try to be outgoing, friendly, and sympathetic to people. At work, it will be useful to find colleagues with whom you can communicate not only on formal issues. Of course, this will not 100% save you from rumors, but it will significantly reduce the likelihood of their occurrence.

Don't talk too much about yourself.

Try not to say too much, if you do not want information about you, having passed on the damaged phone, did not reach you again in an unrecognizable form.

Be especially careful when talking about something personal or confidential. If you do not want information to be shared with everyone, think twice with whom it is safe for you to share it and with whom it is not. A person can be a great friend and a good companion, but not be able to keep his mouth shut. Therefore, if you do not want to fight rumors, do not give gossipers a reason.

Don't gossip yourself

Do not trust unverified information that someone else told you from third parties. Or give your own interpretation some events that you accidentally witnessed. And in general, it is better to respect someone else's personal life and try not to spread about it once again. After all, the falsity of rumors can be revealed, and you will remain extreme, ruining your reputation. And gossips, one way or another, no one likes.