"Is this an achievement?" How to understand that you are being devalued, and what to do about it

What depreciation looks like

Imagine the situation. You are 10, you come home from school and happily inform your mom or dad that you got an A. But instead of rejoicing and praising, they shrug their shoulders and ask: “And many others put in fives? " And if you are not the only one who did so well, your achievement seems to cease. exist. It is not unique, which means there is absolutely nothing to be proud of.

Or, for example, a woman comes to work and brags that she bought a car. And one of the colleagues says with a sigh: “You should marry, of course. So my husband would buy a car or drive you himself. " These words seem to emphasize: buying a car is a very dubious success if there is no husband, and there is absolutely nothing to be happy about.

This is what depreciation looks like. One person makes it clear to another that his achievements are worthless and there is generally no reason to admire himself.

However, depreciation can extend not only to successes, but also to experiences:

• Just think, what a grief! Nobody died.
• Is it depression? Depression is when a person lies all day and cannot even get up, but you have a blues at best.
• It would be because of what to cry! It's not worth it.

The mechanism here is similar - to show that a person's misfortune is not serious enough, and he is not supposed to feel what he feels.

And finally, you can devalue not only others, but also yourself: not to rejoice in your own successes, consider your victories insignificant, not allow yourself to experience negative emotions.

How depreciation affects us

Nothing good comes of it.

Why people devalue others

This is a defensive reaction

We need it to protect our psyche from very unpleasant experiences. For example, we can sincerely deny that something is wrong with us, avoid difficult tasks and conversations, react to difficult events with laughter and sarcasm, blame others for their troubles, contact esotericism. That is, to do whatever, just not to fully acknowledge the problem and not allow yourself to feel pain and disappointment.

It is the same with depreciation. A woman came to work and said that she had bought a car. Some colleagues envied her. A complex and unpleasant cascade of thoughts started: “Aha, she has a new car! But I have not. She was able to make money, but I haven’t succeeded yet. Probably, I am somehow worse. I do not work well enough, I do not know how well hoard. Perhaps we need to do something about it and somehow rectify the situation. "

Feeling and thinking this can be painful, so our brain is trying to urgently find a loophole and explain what is happening in such a way that we feel better. One of the easiest ways to do this is to belittle the other person's achievement. To prove to herself that it is not so significant: “Probably, her parents helped her buy a car, she herself would not have coped. And in general, what does a car mean if it has not taken place as a woman? No husband, no children. But I’m fine with that. ”

Thus, a person who has just been knocked out of the rut by the news of someone else's success turns out, as it were, restore the usual order of things: “Everything is still, I am no worse than others, I don’t need anything to undertake ".

Psychologists noteDevaluation and Idealization in BPD / Verywell Mindthat such a protective mechanism from time to time turns on in each of us. But it is most typical for people with low self-esteem. And also for those who suffer from mental disorders, in particular from borderline personality disorder and narcissistic disorder.

This is an attempt to manipulate

If you show a person for a long time and methodically that his successes are worthless, and he has no right to his emotions, he will most likely fall self-esteem. And then it will be much easier to control him: to indicate what to do, to make him as comfortable and submissive as possible, to make him become less courageous and successful.

This tactic is one of the options emotional abuse. And it can often be seen in dysfunctional abusive relationships.

Although the desire to subjugate a person does not at all exclude the possibility that the manipulator himself suffers from low self-esteem and wants to protect himself from feelings of his own inferiority.

Both reasons can also complement each other.

This is a communication style

If a person is accustomed to this format of communication in his family, there is a high probability that he will communicate this way with everyone around him. Sometimes not even fully realizing that it is hurting someone.

Why people devalue themselves

There are several reasons for this.

What to do if a loved one devalues ​​you

We'll have to go out into a frank conversation and ask him not to do this anymore.

How to stop devaluing yourself

Devaluation is a fairly persistent pattern of behavior that cannot be eliminated with a snap of the fingers. This is what psychologist Anastasia Markova recommends to try.

Examine your reactions

Understand in what situations you devalue yourself and how you do it. What words do you use in your address? What do you think? How do you react to successes and achievements?

Think what you would like to hear

What words could please and inspire you? How would you like to react to yourself, your feelings and the results of your own activities?

Practice

Try giving yourself support, noticing, and praise yourself. And remember that you are valuable, and everything that you do and feel is important.