What kind of friends does a person need to be happy and how to find them

Many years of research convincingly proveI Matter to My Friend, Therefore I am Happy: Friendship, Mattering, and Happiness: It's almost impossible to be happy without friends.

People who have them, on average, rate"I am so happy cause today I found my friend: Friendship and personality as predictors of happiness": Erratum their level of happiness is almost 60% higher than those who are socially lonely.

You don't have to have dozens of friends to feel happy. With age, for example, the number of close friends decreases, and there is a reason for this: people become more selectiveTaking time seriously: A theory of socioemotional selectivity in communication.

It is also important that a friend is not just a spouse or partner. And the type of friendship also plays a role.

What is friendship

Friends can be different. You write and call some of them every day to share a fresh anecdote or nonsense idea. Call others on the phone once a year. Some of your friends are the person you would like to be like. You really like others, but generally not admirable.

Friends treat you in exactly the same way. For one, you are a friend who always gives good advice or can throw money up to paycheck. And someone perceives you as an attorney - a person to whom the most precious secret can be revealed.

We get different things from different relationships. And that's okay.

Perhaps one of the best and at the same time the most laconic classifications of friendship belongs to Aristotle. The philosopher described her in his Nicomachean EthicsThree kinds of friendship, corresponding to the three motives Perfect friendship is that whose motive is the good».

The ancient Greek thinker imagined friendship as a kind of pyramid.

At the lowest level, where emotional ties are weakest, there is a rational type of partnership based on mutual utility in work or social life. This is how colleagues, partners in business projects or simply those who can do each other any kind of service.

The next step is friendship based on admiration. In this case, you become attached to a person, because you see qualities in him that delight you. For example, a sharp mind or a good sense of humor.

The highest level Aristotle called perfect friendship. This relationship is based solely on spiritual intimacy. There is no other background to them, except for a sincere inexplicable attraction to each other.

The three types of friendship are not mutually exclusive. For example, you can mutually beneficial communication with a person who also admires you for some trait. However, it is important to define the relationship at the most pronounced level.

Which type of friendship is critical to happiness and which is not

It is difficult to describe in words, but you probably understand what perfect friendship is. It has nothing to do with work, money or ambition and most often arises from a shared love for something. Such a deep relationship is an important part of happiness.

Unlike true (perfect) friendship, rational friendship is far less satisfying. In it, a person cannot fully reveal himself. For example, if you be friends with a colleague or a business partner, you have to show yourself professionally. You are unlikely to risk spoiling an important business relationship with a complex personal conversation.

Unfortunately, modern urban life pushes people to make useful (rational) friendships, not perfect ones. Indeed: many give work at least 40 hours a week. That is, they communicate with colleagues much more than with family or friends outside the office. So "mutually beneficial" friends can easily crowd out the perfect ones.

How to find real friends and make your life happier

The steps to reestablishing a healthy balance of friendship are pretty simple.

1. Analyze if you have real friends

Ask yourself how many people really know you well. For example, who (except close relatives!) is able to notice when you are a little unwell or a little upset, and sincerely ask if everything is all right?

If the answer is "Nobody," then know that you are not alone with this. A 2018 survey showedLoneliness_Index_National_Report_Compliancethat 54% of American adults “always” or “sometimes” feel like no one is interested and no one knows them well.

And here is another check for true friendship. Try to name a few people, not including your partner or spouse, with whom you can easily talk about very personal, really exciting topics. And even if you managed to name a couple of names, remember how long ago you discussed such issues the last time. If more than a month has passed since then, you may not be as close as you seem.

2. Take existing friendships beyond usefulness

My wife and I realized that it was important for both of us to create deeper friendships, and slightly restructured our social life.

When meeting with friends, we tried to redirect the conversation from everyday, potentially useful topics like vacations, shopping, renovation to more personal ones. questions: about happiness, love, moral principles, spirituality. It helped us get closer to some of our buddies. And in other cases, on the contrary, it turned out that a full-fledged relationship (that very perfect friendship), even in the long term, is impossible. But we were able to understand which people are really close to us and with whom we need to meet more often.

3. Make more "useless" friends

The key to building the perfect friendship is to see the relationship not as a stepping stone to something else, but as a separate good to strive for. Try to find friends outside of your professional or educational circle.

Make friends with someone who can do nothing for you but show interest, listen, and be good company.

Try to spend more time where your career, business, or social ambitions are not important. The easiest way is to look for a new company in places where they share your passions. And when you meet an interesting person, do not hesitate and just invite him to your place. visit.