How to communicate with friends if they decide to divorce
Miscellaneous / / May 11, 2021
There is no need to choose between two companions. But supporting them and not giving unsolicited advice is highly desirable.
Imagine: a person has been friends with a couple for a long time. He met one of them many years ago, or immediately recognized them as partners. They all communicate for a long time. Perhaps they became close families. And it seems that it will always be so.
But one day the couple breaks up. And their friend is faced with a difficult choice. Do you have to take sides? How to continue communicating with both and not look like a traitor? Together with psychologists, we figure out how to behave in such a situation.
Don't pull the covers over yourself
It is quite logical that the human world revolves around him. Therefore, he immediately tries on the message about the divorce of friends and begins to think what difficulties this will bring personally to him. Discomfort can even lead you to blame your friends for pulling away, not paying attention to it, and generally doing something wrong.
But this is a good opportunity to start with myself and try to be a good friend, that is, to remember who is touched by the problem and who is in the disaster zone.
Divorce is a huge shock for both partners. This event, one might say, divides their life into before and after. They have to rebuild it in all areas. Unsurprisingly, the psychological comfort of mutual friends is the last thing ex-spouses think about.
Vasily Shurov
Psychotherapist, sexologist, chief physician of the First Step clinic
Give them time to go through the process and recover from the breakup before actively addressing issues that concern you.
Spare the feelings of each of your former partners
Any parting traumatic, even if it was expected and happened without conflict. It inevitably hurts both sides: the one who is left behind and the one who leaves.
Don't tell one that the other has found a new love. Do not post photos of funny get-togethers with a divorced friend and her new boyfriend on your social networks if her ex-spouse is your subscriber. Don't do anything that might hurt any of your separated friends.
Vasily Shurov
Another advice from Vasily Shurov is not to engage in pimping. Do not try to introduce a divorced friend to someone, especially if you are not asked to. After parting, it is important for a person to heal their wounds first and it takes time to be ready for a new, easy and casual communication.
Be neutral
Divorce usually has there are reasons, and outside observers have their own opinion about him. There will be plenty of people willing to share it. Take your time to join these ranks.
Leave your opinion to yourself. No need to say that the conflict that happened and a damn thing is not worth it, that your friends made a mistake by filing for divorce. Don't try to reconcile them. Their privacy is none of your business. Refrain from evaluating. In real life, the actions of people are rarely divided into "black" and "white". Each of the parties has reasons for claims and grievances. Therefore, do not judge any of the partners.
Vasily Shurov
It is even more difficult if you initially spoke with one of the couple, and the other joined later. In many cases, the friend will be expected to side with the old friend and condemn his partner. But even with this option in conflict it is better not to interfere, especially if your friend is wrong in your eyes.
You are communicating with a person, not with a situation. He may be wrong, but this is his choice. And if this choice does not affect your friendship, then there is no reason to figure out whether he is right or not. Do not voice your opinion if you have not been asked to do so.
Dmitry Sobolev
Family and personal psychologist
When someone is interested in you directly, Dmitry Sobolev advises to first outline the conditions: “If you are interested in my opinion, I will voice it to you. But this my opinionand it does not affect our friendship in any way. " After that, you can already speak as it is.
If you are asked, try to express your position calmly and reasonably and stop there. Then all the decisions are made by your friend.
It is worth choosing expressions more carefully for another reason. Life is long, and it is not known how this separation will continue. It is possible that the couple will reunite. And after harsh statements, you may no longer find a place near it.
Be near
Support a friend. You don't need to pretend that nothing happened, change the topic, avoid talking about parting. If a person wants to speak out, listen to him, but do not make any verdicts.
Be empathetic and caring, but don't become an annoying "savior." There is no need to rush loud phrases that "everything is for the better" and "at first it is difficult, and then it will be easier." Just stay close. And ask the correct questions: "Can I help you with something?", "How do you feel today?", "Do you want to talk?"
Vasily Shurov
Be honest about your friendship plans
In the process of parting, the couple begins to share not only property - usually they try to redistribute friends too. And if you continue to communicate with one of the partners, the second may get angry, offended, consider it a betrayal.
But know that it is not a couple who “share friends”, but you decide with whom you will communicate and with whom you will not. This is only your responsibility.
If after a divorce you want to stop communicating with one of your former spouses, but this person wants continue friendshipyou need to talk to him. Explain your decision tactfully, without insults or accusations. A difficult conversation lies ahead, warns Vasily Shurov. But this will be much better than coming up with unsightly excuses in response to offers to meet.
You don't have to choose. You don't have to give up love for any of your friends just because they are getting divorced. You can support each of them and you shouldn't feel guilty about it.
Vasily Shurov
If you decide to keep friendly relations with both former spouses, talk honestly. Openly admit that you value the communication with each of them and are going to continue it: “I will be glad to hear and support you, spend time with you, but your ex-partner also remains my friend, and now he also needs my support".
Read also🧐
- 10 signs your friends are using you
- 8 Myths About True Friendship You Should Break Up With
- 4 misconceptions that make people unnecessarily ashamed of divorce
- How to make and not lose friends: personal experience and scientific approach
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