My child is homosexual. What to do?
A Life / / January 06, 2021
It doesn't matter how old a child is - 16 or 56, news of their sexual orientation can be shocking to a parent. They react to them in different ways. Some people tear"We are unlikely to convince ardent homophobes" all connections with children. Others choose to ignore the information they receive.
And you can also remember that orientation is only a part of the personality of a person who was a beloved child 10 minutes ago, and try to understand and accept it. How to do this - we figure it out together with a psychologist.
Pause if necessary
You may be torn apart by conflicting feelings, but they do not have to be splashed out on the child: there is a great risk of saying too much. Postpone the conversation so you have time to recover. But it's important to do it right. Share your reasons honestly and make it clear that the conversation will continue, that you do not turn away from the child and you still love him.
Veronika Tikhomirova, psychologistA parent for a child is a unique and special person who loves him unconditionally, simply because he is. It is this kind of love that allows children to stand on their feet and accept themselves as they are. The fear of rejection is one of the most painful, as it directly affects our basic need to be accepted. Now the child is vulnerable and scared. It is important for him to know that he will be loved and accepted by anyone.
If you decide to take a break, tell your child about it, do not leave him in painful guesses that the closest people turn away from him. Arrange a time for you to return to the conversation. For example: “You know, I am so shocked by this news that I don’t even know what to say. I need a little time to understand how I feel. Let's sit down tomorrow after work and discuss everything again. "
Deal With Your Feelings
Think about how you are feeling and why. Not all emotion will be constructive, but they already exist, which means that we need to work with them. No one will do it for you, so you need to face your fears and understand what worries you and why. This is what you can feel.
Anger
The expected response is to find the culprit. Your child himself would not have thought of this, all the damned teachers overlooked, gay propaganda worked, computer games influenced - emphasize the necessary. In fact, the complex is responsible for the orientation biological causesso no one is to blame. It makes no sense to be angry at someone, and even more so at the child himself. He did not choose how he was born: red or blond, blue-eyed or green-eyed, homo or heterosexual.
Guilt
If no external culprit is found, you can switch to yourself. But self-flagellation will get you nowhere. As we said, there are many reasons for orientation. So, maybe you did not do everything right on your parenting path, but this could not affect the child's choice of a sexual partner. Moreover, if the son or daughter told you about the orientation themselves, then you are a good parent and they trust you.
Fear
This feeling grows on different grounds. You can seriously worry about the child: is he being persecuted because of his orientation, what difficulties does he face, is it hard for him to live? And this is an occasion to discuss such issues with him.
But with the fear “what Baba Manya from the third entrance will say” it is better to work on your own. Human happiness should not depend on someone else's opinion, and it's not even about orientation. Society will always find something to condemn. Moreover, it already createsAttitude towards LGBT people conditions for your child are quite difficult: he may face stigma, ridicule, threats of violence. Therefore, it is important that someone close to him take his side.
And in the very homosexuality, if you look, there is nothing terrible. Nobody gets hurt when two people enter into a relationship by mutual agreement.
Resentment
Parents often, willingly or unwillingly, come up with a life scenario for their children. And then they get very offended when they don't correspond to him. But disappointed expectations are always the problem of the expectant. The birth of a child is a kind of lottery. When he is born, he does not take an oath that he will eat up porridge, teach lessons and sleep only with people of the opposite sex.
Reading now🔥
- “It’s my own fault”: why we need to admit that the world is unfair
Share your feelings
You had time to sort out yourself and calm down. Now you need to return to the conversation and talk about your fears, doubts, thoughts. Be frank and honest.
Veronika TikhomirovaStrong emotions tend to emerge even from under the monumental façade of equanimity: a smile through clenched teeth, hugs, more like a chokehold, gentle words that sound like the worst swear word. Contradictions only increase the uncertainty in your relationship, increase the level of anxiety, and prevent you from building contact.
The parent is a living person. It's normal to be scared, angry and worried. This is how you bring you closer together. Try to use “I-statements” in your conversation, as “you-statements” can be perceived as accusations and provoke conflict and guilt. There is a big difference between "I worry about you" and "You make me worry." As you conduct a conversation, remember why you are doing it: to help your child overcome the difficulties encountered on his life path, or to prove his case?
Ask your child how he feels, whether he is happy in a relationship, if any, when and how he realized that he is homosexual. Perhaps the answers will clarify and reassure you a lot.
Don't ignore what happened
Parents often take the position "neither ours nor yours." It seems that they do not stop communicating with the child, but they completely ignore everything that concerns his orientation. They are forbidden to mention this, they are not ready to get acquainted even with a permanent partner. Of course, no one can force you to accept this side of life. But it will most likely hurt your child. So at least try to understand his position.
Don't discount your child's feelings
You may not take what was said seriously and think that the child just wants to attract attention. Or confuses love and friendship. Or failed in a relationship with the opposite sex. You never know reasons!
If a child says that now things are like this, then he definitely knows better. Do not assume that you know better and do not discount his feelings for his own comfort. This will shorten the path from denial to acceptance for you.
Do not try to "fix" the child
History knows different methods of "curing" homosexuality - from corrective rape to lobotomy. They are united by one thing - inefficiency. Attempts to remake man endJust the Facts about Sexual Orientation and Youth negative consequences for the psyche, increase the risk of depression and suicide, but sexual preferences remain the same. Conversion therapy, that is, attempts to change orientation, is prohibited by law in CanadaCanada presents bill banning conversion therapy, GermanyGermany passes law banning 'gay conversion therapy' for minors (for minors), some US statesChanging Medical Practice, Not Patients - Putting an End to Conversion Therapy. But that is not even the question.
Veronika TikhomirovaYour child is definitely not broken or defective, it does not need to be returned to the store or updated to factory settings. He did not stop being that cute boy whom you taught to ride a bicycle, or the girl with whom you were looking for the most beautiful stones on the beach, a loving son or daughter, a specialist. Your child made a choice that you did not expect from him. And this is normal, because he builds his life for himself, according to his values and preferences.
Learn more about LGBT people
Even if you are a very tolerant heterosexual, there may be gaps in your knowledge that prevent you from realistically assessing the situation. Just because you have never seen it from the inside. This primarily concerns stereotypes. For example, it is believed that HIV - a disease of homosexuals. Although in Russia only 2.5%60% of HIV infections are associated with heterosexual contact cases of transmission of the virus are associated with same-sex contacts.
Fears are often associated with the unknown. But they can be overcome by diving deeper into the topic.
Try to accept the child's choice
If you have not considered in advance that your child may be homosexual, most likely, you will not be able to come to terms with his orientation overnight. And that's okay. The longer you live with this thought and learn more, the easier it will be for you.
Veronika TikhomirovaThe child's life is his area of responsibility. No matter how much you want to save and protect him, he chooses for himself how to live this life, it is he who is the main character in it. It's your power to influence which character you play in his story.
Read also💛🧡💚
- Why homophobia is dangerous for the whole society, not just for homosexuals
- When is your family time to stop meddling in your life?
- "When will you give birth?": How women are deprived of the right to their own body
- A foreign body is none of your business. Why people have the right to look the way they want
- What is wrong with your opinion and why does it turn into rudeness