What is toxic positivity and how it prevents us from living

What is toxic positivity

The call to think positively is often misunderstood and the whole idea is reduced to stereotyped slogans: "Nothing terrible has happened", "We need to rejoice, because in your life has so many reasons for happiness! "," Negative thoughts attract negative events, and you send the right signal to the Universe! " This approach of psychologists calledToxic Positivity: Don’t Always Look on the Bright Side toxic positivity, and it does not lead to anything good.

At the same time, real positive thinking really brings benefits, for example, reducesThe power of positive thinking: Pathological worry is reduced by thought replacement in Generalized Anxiety Disorder anxiety helps believe in yourself and learn new skills, reducesThe Power of Positive Thinking the risk of developing cardiovascular disease. Therefore, it is worth distinguishing one type of positivity from another.

How toxic positivity manifests itself and where it comes from

You can recognize her by the following phrases:

• Downplaying the scale of the trouble: fired! There is no need to hang your nose, I will quickly find a new job! "
• Simplification of the situation: "Just don't worry!", "Relax and think good!"
• Disclaimer for everything bad that happens: "I am very talented, but I did not pass the exam, because the teacher did not like me."
• Shifting the solution of problems onto some abstract forces: "Everything will work out somehow, you will see!", "You just believe in good things, and everything will come by itself!"
• Shifting full responsibility for what is happening on a person: "Everything is in your hands!", "You just need to try and work hard, then everything will work out."

We behave this way because of the protective mechanism of the psyche: we instinctively want to fence ourselves off from bad events, to hide from negative emotions. And yet we simply do not know how to support ourselves or others and do not think too much about whether there is something behind the words spoken.

What toxic positivity leads to

You forbid yourself to experience emotions.

With these phrases, you block your real feelings. You push the pain, anger, resentment, longing and disappointment deeper and replace them with cardboard positivity. It does not pass without leaving a trace: ignoring real emotions makesFeeling bad about being sad: the role of social expectancies in amplifying negative mood feel unhappy and lead usStress generation, avoidance coping, and depressive symptoms: a 10 ‑ year model to depression.

You devalue other people's feelings and problems

If a person complains about something, he wants to be heard, recognized his emotions and empathized. Rough phrases like “Don't think about bad things”, “Everything will definitely work out” will not really comfort him. They will only be forced to believe that their own experiences and difficulties do not matter, that no one is understands and in general he is somehow wrong, since he has such strong feelings for such a trifling occasion.

You avoid solving the problem

Imagine a situation: a person passed interview, but he was not hired. He can analyze why this happened, improve skills that he lacks, go to study. Or he can wave his hand and say: “Everything is for the best! I am beautiful, and the employer is just a fool. "

There is a chance that the candidate is indeed an excellent specialist, and his potential boss did not act very wisely. But it cannot be ruled out that a person has room to grow, but because of such an attitude to the problem, he will not do this.

You can get bogged down in unhealthy relationships.

“This is all not out of malice, he is a good person, you need to forgive him”, “She has the best motives, just a complex character, it is better not to hold offense and make peace”. If you are systematically hurt, being positive about the situation (that is, ignoring it) can be costly. You will constantly forgive offenders, go to meet them, convince yourself that everything is fine, and you will be stuck in unhappy relationshipthat will undermine your self-esteem and mental health.

How to be positive without toxicity

Don't block emotions

Psychologists believeToxic Positivity: The Shaming of True Intimacy and How We Traumatize Feelingthat you need to allow yourself to think negatively. Negative emotions are absolutely normal, it is useless to suppress them - you can only accept, allow yourself to experience them and admit that you have every right to them. This process is also called validation.Understanding Validation: A Way to Communicate Acceptance feelings.

In relationships with other people, this approach also works. If someone complains about something, feel sorry for the person, tell them that the situation is really unpleasant, so it is not surprising that he is angry or upset. Be there, offer help, tell us about your similar experience, if you had one. Don't make him smile, forcibly look for positive moments where he doesn't see them, and bury your real feelings.

Focus on action

After you've let your emotions run wild, think about what the situation can teach you, how you can benefit from it, and what you can do to resolve it. This approach is called proactive. It is believed that the Austrian psychiatrist and former prisoner of the Nazi concentration camp Viktor Frankl first spoke about him in his book "A Man in Search of Meaning." And then the idea of ​​proactivity was picked up and popularized by other psychologists, as well as coaches and experts in productivitylike Stephen Covey.

If a person is proactive, he does not slip into a negative (“I am not hired, I am a loser, I have nothing will ever work out "), but it does not hide behind meaningless and unproductive positivity ("Nothing! Everything will definitely work out! "). He admits that something bad has happened, but takes the necessary responsibility and concentrates on the actions: “Yes, I was not taken, it’s sad. But now I know what it takes to study to get my dream job. In the near future I will look for courses or internships and start studying. " This position cheers up, gives energy and helps to find solutions even in difficult situations.