How to get to work on Tinder: what to do if online dating is no longer fun
Relations / / December 30, 2020
Dating apps have been designed to make it easier for us to find partners. Moreover, it is essential: you do not need to talk to people you like on the street and in public places, you do not need to use the services of matchmakers and marriage agencies, you do not even have to leave your room. I spent a couple of evenings on the questionnaire, chose the one or the same one - and that's it, enjoy life.
Only in reality everything looks different. People sit in dating services for months or even years, but they never find anyone suitable. At least for a long-term and serious relationship. As a result, instead of joy, applications bring fatigue, frustration, and at the same time addiction. A special term has even appeared for this condition: dating burnoutDating App Burnout: When Swiping Becomes A Chore.
What are the reasons for dating burnout
Can't find the right partner
Maybe a person's requirements are unrealistic, or maybe everything is in order, but that's just not lucky. As a result, he loses hope and leafs through the questionnaires without any confidence that he will be able to find someone.
Apps take a lot of time and effort
It would seem that he sat for 5 minutes at breakfast, 15 minutes on the subway, another 7 minutes in the queue for coffee at work - but in the end he gets a decent amount. In Great Britain it is calculated that millennials spendHow Long are British Millennials Spending on Dating Apps? in dating applications about 10 hours a week. Statistics, of course, do not pretend to be universal, but they reflect the trend well. Dating services really take time and effort. It's almost like working a couple of hours a day.
And this is if we talk only about searches and correspondence. With some “matches,” you still manage to get out on a date, and these encounters are not always successful. But they also have to waste time, money and strength, both physical and emotional.
Dating services play with the dopamine system
The neurotransmitter dopamine is responsible for the feeling of anticipation and pleasure from it. It is thanks to him that we watch one video after another on TikTok, crave likes and buy things that are not really needed, but promise to give happiness. Dating apps use this human weakness too6 Key Psychological Truths About Dating Apps to the fullest.
Each swipe, each new profile gives hope: "What if it's the same one?" Likes, compliments and "matches" provoke the "victim" even more, bringing it literally to euphoria and forcing it to sit out in the app for hours. If hopes come true, great. And if not, the person is covered with frustration and fatigue.
But he is not able to give up the search, since he is already a little dependent on the process - and in the end he resembles a donkey that keeps running and running after the carrot tied in front, but cannot get it in any way.
Fear of missed profit makes it difficult to abandon searches
It is also called FOMO (fear of missing out). This is a condition that makes us constantly afraid of missing out on something important: an interesting event, a lucrative offer, a suitable partner. And as a result, we live with a chronic feeling of anxiety. FOMO whip up social network and other online services, including dating. Even if we can't find the right person, we still don't delete the application, because "what if."
Understand the issue🧐
- Why are we afraid of missing something important and how to fix it
How to recognize dating burnout
Here are the main "symptoms"7 Signs You Have Dating App Burnout.
1. You treat the app like a job
The search for a partner is no longer happy or inspiring, but is perceived as a heavy exhausting routine: “I don’t want to, but I must”.
2. You have lost hope
You look at your prospects with pessimism. You are almost certain that you will never meet anyone. And in general, that all these dating services are needed only to siphon time and money, and in fact no one finds a couple there.
3. You swipe but don't communicate
It is as if you no longer want to look for someone. Therefore, you mechanically leaf through the questionnaires, but do not start a conversation and in no way strive to continue your acquaintance.
4. You communicate with people you don't like
Maybe you just correspond, or maybe even go to dates. Not because you want to or because you like the person, but just for show.
5. You are using several applications at once
Even if you come across the same people there.
6. You go on a date like an execution
You are overcome with anxiety, as if you are going to an exam and not a romantic date.
Dealing with dating burnout
The most obvious solution would be to take a break from internet dating, at least temporarily. Remove such applications from the device, do not go to sites. But this requires willpower, and if addiction has already formed, it will be difficult.
Psychotherapist Julia Bartz suggests following the conceptIntuitive Dating: Center Self-Care and Avoid Burnout "Intuitive dating". It is somewhat reminiscent of intuitive (or conscious) nutrition, when a person analyzes his needs for food and the sensations of what he eats. Only here, of course, it's not about food, but about relationships. Here are the basic steps for “intuitive dating”.
1. Set limits
Determine how much time per day you are willing to spend on dating apps. Let this period not exceed 20-30 minutes. If you lack awareness, install an application that limits the time spent on certain sites and services.
2. Formulate your desires
Make an approximate partner portraitwhom you would like to see next to you, outline the nature of the relationship that should develop between you. Maybe you are focused on marriage and having children, you want to go around the world together with a backpack on your shoulders and not get attached to anything, or plan to meet every couple of weeks.
Agree with yourself that you will try to find just such a partner with whom you coincide interests and goals, and you will not be exchanged for people who are categorically not in this portrait fit in. Determine what requirements you are willing to sacrifice if you meet a nice person, and what - definitely not.
3. Listen to your feelings
Here you read a stranger's profile, look at his photo, throw yourself with him messages. Take a moment and ask yourself what emotions this person evokes in you, if he matches the portrait you are looking for. Take your time, do not flip through the questionnaire thoughtlessly - listen to your own feelings. The same goes for a personal meeting: try to get to know the person better, do not force the development of relations until you are sure that everything suits you.
If you are uncomfortable with a new acquaintance, if you see strong discrepancies with your vision ideal partner, it makes sense not to start communication or interrupt it gently and politely when it is already tied up.
Read also🧐
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