How to joke so as not to offend loved ones

Jokes are often perceived as harmless and not requiring any censorship. Like, it's just humor, not a deliberate insult. So, there is nothing to be offended and be so sissy, that's all.

However, jokes do more than amuse and unite people. They may well injure a person, and often they are even one of the forms passive aggression. Experts from the American psychological center The Gottman Institute have created a small instructionHumor: How To Be Mindful on how to joke consciously and why it matters. Here are the highlights.

Where do offensive jokes come from and what they are

Offensive humor is the result of unconsciousness.

More often than not, the joker really doesn't want to offend anyone. He is just careless about what he says, and does not think about the fact that his humor can offend someone. Such a person may not have sufficient emotional intelligence and unable to feel the mood and reaction of the interlocutor. And in the end, faced with misunderstanding and resentment, he himself is genuinely indignant: “Well, I'm sorry! I was just kidding. "

This approach is partly understandable. Humor is considered a kind of territory of freedom, a kind of field where there is no room for restrictions, because people kind of tacitly agree that this is a joke.

Usually several groups of statements become offensive:

• Sarcasm: "Yeah, go on, very interesting: you see, I hardly even yawn."
• Making fun of a person's shortcomings and hitting his pain points: “Well, you are already 40. How is it, the sand is not pouring yet? "
• Antics and mimics.
• Attempts to wrap up some kind of pretense or even an insult in humor: "You crush the cake like that, I'm afraid, and you will eat me."
• Jokes that touch on sensitive social topics: violence, racism, discrimination and so on.

There are situations when such humor on the verge is acceptable to all participants in the conversation, and then there is nothing wrong with these jokes. But in other cases, they can be offensive or even dangerous.

What's wrong with "just jokes"

1. They hurt

You can say as much as you like that everyone around has become too pampered and is being infringed upon by literally any word. But if one person is thick-skinned enough to calmly react to the most rude and provocative humor, this does not mean that everyone has to be like that.

A person has the right to be offended by a harsh statement, even if it sounded like a joke. He cannot turn off his emotions and “be simpler”. This means that the people around him, at least the closest ones, should be more sensitive and conscious when choosing words.

2. They lead to violence

This is not about sarcasm or passive aggression, but about jokes on completely serious topics: violence, sexism, racism, discrimination, ridicule of people with special needs.

Such humor, as it were, legitimizes the dismissive or mocking attitude towards these issues, transfers them from the category of serious to the category of funny. In addition, it normalizes violence and discrimination to some extent, makes them less scary and more acceptable: since it's so much fun, why not give it a try?

For example, sexist jokes provokeA Framework for Thinking about the (not ‑ ​​so ‑ funny) Effects of Sexist Humor discrimination and even violence against women.

How to joke so as not to offend anyone

It may seem that humor without the likelihood of offending someone is generally impossible. But this is worth striving for. Here are some guidelines.

1. Put yourself in the shoes of the other person

Mirror the situation and think about how you would react if a similar joke was addressed to you. Just be honest with yourself, don't flaunt it. It is quite possible that if you get used to the role of your interlocutor, humor will not seem so harmless.

2. Consider the context

With someone stinging jokes may be appropriate - the person will playfully answer you in kind, you will laugh, and the situation will be settled. Others need a more delicate approach. If you know that your interlocutor is vulnerable enough, or you see that he is in a bad mood, try to choose your words carefully and joke more carefully.

3. Think about past experiences

It is likely that the person with whom you are communicating has had unpleasant experiences in the past, and these make him especially sensitive to harsh remarks and tactlessness.

For example, he experienced violence. Or his family faced nationalism. Or he was at one time overweight and therefore hounded at school. This means that such a person can be particularly hurt by controversial or rash jokes. This must be taken into account.

4. Remember that you can make a funny joke without offending anyone.

Humor doesn't have to be prickly, biting, and provocative. Soft and kind jokes can be funny. And it is better to use the most tactful and respectful statements.