5 subtle signs of emotional abuse
Relations / / December 29, 2020
1. Good for you
The person helps you, even if you did not ask for it, persistently distributes advice that you did not want. He undertakes to solve your problems, attracts acquaintances of lawyers, doctors and auto mechanics, looks for a job for you, woo his relatives and friends, and so on. And he does all this very decisively, without consulting you and without asking if you really need his participation.
Also, such a "benefactor" can give you expensive gifts, buy valuable things. At the same time, he focuses only on his sense of beauty, and not on your preferences - and most often he does not guess with the choice. As a result, you cannot refuse the presentation and the thing is idle.
Such gestures look very broad, and one suspects violence or manipulation quite difficult. But the desire to solve your problems and benefit you by all means often hides a desire for control.
The person has certain expectations about how you should live, and with the help of gifts and "support" he tries to reshape you to these expectations.
And it also happens that the "benefactor", consciously or not, seeks to bind you to himself. After the help provided, you begin to feel that you owe him, and it will be inconvenient to refuse to communicate with him or to fulfill some request.
So unsolicited help in any form is a violation of boundaries. If you are persistently trying to do "good" that you do not need, thank the person and politely but firmly refuse. And when you yourself really want to help someone, ask first how appropriate it is.
2. Your desires are not taken seriously
They explain to you very gently and delicately that what you want, you actually do not need at all - but you need something completely different. And in every possible way they make it clear that you are an unreasonable creature and you yourself do not really understand how you should live - not like your partner, relative, colleagues or friends.
- “Why do you need move from parents? They will always take care of you, besides, the metro is nearby, it is convenient to commute to work, you don't have to pay someone else's uncle's rent.
- “You don’t need a second higher education, extra stress and waste. You will not work anyway, it is much better and calmer at home, with children. "
If we are talking about some fateful decisions, they will persuade you for a long time, methodically and patiently, masterly play on your feelings, especially on feelings of guilt and various fears and anxieties. Until you give up and allow yourself to be convinced that your desires and needs are unreasonable, and your loved one knows better what you need.
In the most neglected cases, the victim of such manipulations completely loses his own opinion, merges with the abuser.
She agrees with him in everything and looks at the world through his eyes. This kind emotional abuse called a perspecticide.
Of course, it also happens that a loved one is not going to control you and break your will, but sincerely worries that you can make the wrong choice and get into trouble. But in such a situation, people speak openly, give weighty arguments, and still leave the choice to you, even if they do not agree with your decision.
Find out more🤔
- How to recognize perspecticide - a new type of psychological abuse
3. You are highly praised
- “You have great talent, you can achieve a lot. You just need to not be lazy and work hard. "
- "You will definitely win this competition, it cannot be otherwise."
At first glance, it sounds quite harmless. And for someone, maybe even motivating. But such statements set a very high bar for a person and make him suffer if something does not work out.
Instead of moving towards your own goals at a comfortable pace, you try to live up to other people's expectations and fear to disappoint your partner, parent, or friend.
Therefore, if you want to praise someone, it is better to do without forecasts in the spirit of “With such intelligence, you must earn a lot of money” - and celebrate the successes that the person has already achieved. And if they persistently try to motivate you with the help of such compliments, then try to cut off the expectations and assumptions of other people and focus only on an objective assessment.
4. You are not allowed to show negative emotions
Nobody says "Don't you dare cry!" or "Smile immediately!" But if you are sad or angry, they try very hard to console. And to prove that your problems are not worth such strong emotions.
- "Why are you so overwhelmed by such trifles?"
- "Do not worry! This has not happened to me yet, and nothing, everything worked out. "
At first glance, this is just an attempt to cheer you up. But behind it, another motive is often hidden: a person cannot stand other people's negative emotions and wants to quickly "hush up" them. Maybe he really empathizes with you and your pain hurts him. Or maybe he is just too lazy to mess with you and wants you to be comfortable and satisfied.
This approach is called toxic positivity, and it has a negative impact on mental health. It is important for a person to live his negative emotion, and not drive them deeper.
Study the question👇
- What is toxic positivity and how it prevents us from living
5. They don't talk to you about unpleasant topics
You are worried about something in the behavior of your partner or in your relationships and life, and you want to talk about it. But a person in every possible way dodges conversations that may be unpleasant to him or require some action from him.
He changes the subject, laughs it off, suggests returning to the discussion later, or even pretends not to hear, and continues to go about his business.
This behavior is called withholding.When Your Partner is Emotionally Withholding, or, more simply, avoidance, evasion. It can unsettle and offend. The person does not seem to refuse to discuss the problems, but nothing good comes of it anyway. And such duality does not affect the climate in relations in the best way.
Withholding is difficult to resist. If a loved one does this all the time, you should tell him directly that it upsets you. And if this does not give results, contact a family psychologist. Or end relationship: everyone deserves to be close to the person who hears him.
Read also🧐
- Why being taken hostage and becoming a victim of an abuser are almost the same thing
- How to protect yourself from emotional abuse from your parents
- Expressing Your Desires: 4 Steps to Violent Communication