Why we follow our ex on social media and how to stop doing it
Relations / / December 28, 2020
The relationship is over. It would seem that you need to grieve and move on. But not a day goes by that you don't visit your ex-partner's social media page, trying to figure out who he spends time with and who likes him. This does not bring any joy - on the contrary, you plunge into melancholy, jealousy and anger. But you still can't stop yourself.
Why do we follow the ex
Social networks provoke us
Previously, in order to follow a person, you would have to watch him at the entrance, steal mail, maybe even break into an apartment or hire a private detective. Such behavior could, at best, earn fame mentally ill person. And at worst, there is also a prison term, especially in those countries where stalking - that is, surveillance and stalking - is taken seriously.
It's much easier now. If a person is active in social networks, he himself will tell the whole world where he was today and who he saw.
And the stalker does not seem to be doing anything reprehensible, and he gets the feeling that he is behaving quite normally.
One survey showedCyberstalkingthat 60% of people view accounts of former partners at least once a month. Moreover, social networks themselves will kindly inform you that a person has added his story, posted a new photo or commented on a popular post. Well, how can you resist the temptation and check?
And of course, we must not forget that social networks are literally designed to make us jealous.More Information than You Ever Wanted: Does Facebook Bring Out the Green-Eyed Monster of Jealousy?, worried and envied. So, they checked the feed more persistently and posted posts more often.
We want to be irreplaceable
Psychologists believeWhy We Stalk Our Exes on Facebookthat it is a very important need - to realize that we are unique and it is impossible to replace us. Sometimes it is because of her that we go to the pages of the ex as on schedule. It's kind of like “Aha! He still does not meet with anyone - which means that he probably suffers without me and worries that he missed the best that was in his life! "
We are driven by fears
For example, fear of lost profits. We imagine how wonderful everything could have turned out if the separation had not happened. So she went surfing to Australia with a new guy - and I could be in his place. So he celebrates his birthday with friends - and it was me who had to sit next to him in a bright cap.
In such a state, we can even forget that the relationship was already on its way, and begin to idealize the former partner.
And this makes us suffer even more. The paradox is that the fear of lost profits arises from social networks, but the more nervous we are, the more often we go... yes, again on social networks. And it turns out a vicious circle.
Spying becomes a habit
If you repeat the same action many times (to be more preciseHow are habits formed: Modeling habit formation in the real world, from 18 to 254), it will come to automatism and a habit will form. Moreover, bad habits are formed faster, and checking the social networks of a former lover can definitely be attributed to them.
We have a trigger (took the phone, opened the laptop), there is a sequence of actions (went to the page ex / ex, read recent posts, checked friends list) and even a strange and painful pleasure. That is the perfect template for habit formation.
The more often we repeat all these actions, the better they become fixed. And over time, a seemingly harmless occupation can develop into a real one. dependence.
We do not let ourselves stop loving
Those who obsessively check the pages of former partners are sure that they are doing it just out of curiosity. Or even out of dislike: "She spat in my soul, I want to make sure that everything is bad with her."
But "From hatred to love is one step" is not just a saying. When we hate someone, our brains turn onBrain's 'Hate Circuit' Identified almost the same zones that are active in the state falling in love, - basal nucleus and islet. So, reveling in hostility and anger, we, perhaps without knowing it ourselves, only become more attached to a person.
What does spying on a partner lead to?
Even if we discard radical options - you hacked someone else's account and read the correspondence, and you were caught on it - the pursuit of the ex does not end well. After a breakup, it's perfectly normal to grieve a little, but sooner or later, you need to leave the ended relationship in the past and move on.
And when you check the social networks of a former lover, it is as if over and over again to reopen a wound that has begun to heal.
And you yourself prevent yourself from forgetting this person. Research has shownCyberpsychology, Behavior and Social Networkingthat those who often visit the pages of the former, experiencing the gap more painful and can no longer start a new relationship.
How to stop stalking your ex
Get rid of a bad habit
Since stalking is a kind of habit, in order to get rid of it, you can use standard advice. Identify the trigger that makes you open your ex's Facebook or Instagram page, and try to attach a new, healthier and more enjoyable action to them.
For example, you log into social networks as soon as you sit down to breakfast and pick up your phone. So this is the trigger. Try reading books and articles instead of social media, watching TV shows with short episodes or educational videos on YouTube, and playing games. These activities will bring you joy and may gradually replace a bad habit.
You can still start tracker and celebrate the days when you didn’t need to be followed. Check marks and crosses on the calendar will motivate you - you will not want to interrupt the chain of achievements, and you will try to stay away from other people's pages.
Find a replacement
After a breakup - especially if you've been together for a long time - there is naturally a void in your life. You have a lot of free time and unexpressed emotions.
It is worth channeling these resources in a more constructive direction.
Find a hobby, take on additional projects, try to get out of the house more often and make new friends - not necessarily romantic. So, first of all, you won't have time for stalking. And secondly, your life will definitely become more interesting and rich.
Get rid of the irritant
If you see your former partner in the feed every day, it will be quite difficult not to visit his page. Remove it from your friend list, or at least hide it from the news - at least until the passions subside.
In more severe cases - when surveillance has already become a habit with you - you may have to blacklist the object of your unhealthy interest. Or even block its pages using special services.
And of course, as a heavy artillery, you can even arrange for yourself digital detox and do not go to social networks at all. Until the feelings cool down and you understand that you are ready to move on.
Read also🧐
- How to understand that someone is holding you on an emotional leash and get away from them
- How to get over a breakup and move on
- Is it possible to remain friends after the breakup and is it necessary