When the family time to stop climbing into your life

Julia Hill

Psychologist, A member of Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.

You know how to take off the plane? It overcomes the attraction due to its resources - engine thrust. Then let him land. Everything else - the skill of the pilot and the condition of the vessel. That is, one relaxes, the other taxis. Both are in the physical field, in a known manner affect each other, but no one does not destroy under ideal conditions.

Growing up - similar process. He, too, requires a mutual and psychological maturity, and parents to fearlessly give Pendel and say "Fly!", and from a child who, for some time moving by inertia, must grasp wheel. If zreyu I, along with me should mature and my mom and dad to bring the relationship from the perspective of "the child - parent" to the position of "adult - adult."

Not all parents are willing to let go of their children in free flight and to give them responsibility for life. And not all children understand that the cause of many failures in life that they do not fly, but still tied to the senior invisible umbilical cord.

Those who know the joy of parenthood, of course, now say that the child is always a child: in three years, and 15, and 45. And you want to give him all the best, to protect against tooth decay, low scores on the exam, renovation and inflation.

But no, son and daughter can be in three, and 15, and 45, but a child of 45 can not be.

There is a huge difference between caring and the tutelage. Care - that shows our love and indifferent. We remain close and open, but this relationship is not a child and parents, and two adults. We do not lomimsya over the fence to take the collar and poke his nose into happiness, and politely knock and offer assistance. And the person has the right to accept or reject it.

Marking also involves comprehensive participation in the life of the one who still can not take care of himself, does not know how to make decisions. It is a system of relations in which the parents shield the child from any difficulties placing the satisfaction of all their needs themselves. For an adult ward may be suffocating.

When it's time to guard

1. It is difficult to say "no"

You often lament: "I wish I did as he saw fit." But at the same time you find it difficult to insist on his - with his parents, boss, neighbors, a plumber. That you easily sell an expensive nonsense like unnecessary cosmetic or tumbler in the car, it was always you agree to work on a Saturday for a simple human thanks, because of you the other half will be able to build rope.

You're angry, angry, annoyed, but refuse you can not. And even if you try to resist, then still do something about what you were asked. After all, others do not accept your "no" seriously, and attempts to deny find just the vagaries.

Why is this happening

Inability to say "no" is often associated with childhood experiences, your feelings when manipulated, and the desires and needs were not considered, "Listen, I will not love", "Do as you're told," "Will you act up - take away babayka ".

As a result, the scenario laid out that the word "no" bad and threaten your safety: you lose your reputation as a "good" son or daughter, an employee, a man and be alone. Agree - so ensure that you will love.

When it is important to be good for all, you can not count on yourself because your self-esteem is based on the opinions of others. You rely on authority figures, parental images, trust their opinion more than himself. You do not have your own support, namely, it allows you to not get lost in difficult situations.

2. You often do so in order not to upset parents

Walk on the unloved workBecause my mother said it was good. Do not leave her husband because the parents say that the family should be complete. You do not buy a BMW with acceleration to 100 km / h in 5 seconds, and Volkswagen, which perfectly fits my mother's seedlings.

Why is this happening

Parents often compare with other children, and the result was not in your favor. Sermons were accompanied by exclamations of, "how hard you got", "how much effort and money invested in you", "you his father's antics brought to a heart attack." If more and grandfather was a professor and grandmother spoke six languages, and you have a deuce in algebra - down the drain. The project called "Our child" went to pieces.

In fact, the parents accuse you of coming into the world and that you do not meet their expectations. Let it not sound right, but it was implied.

As an adult, you continue to redeem this guilt, and your every action has a prerequisite: not to upset mom and dad do not disgrace the family.

3. You can not answer the question, "Where is my home?"

You have no personal territory. Even if you live separately from their parents, a mother always has the keys. It can come in the morning without warning, with pies, enter without knocking into the bedroom, or to pass your t-shirt as it sees fit. As a result, you constantly feel at ease.

This feeling of restlessness extends to other areas of life. For example, you give up a good job for fear of not cope or do not dare to approach a girl, because you think, 'Do not pull. "

Why is this happening

Usually this happens in families living in the myth of "We - happy family." Behind the façade of a family often hide the unspoken conflicts: usually expressed only positive feelings, everything else is displaced. From the side looks like an ideal: all love each other, work together, support the family tradition that we do not criticize.

External borders "happy family" are closed, do not let strangers here, but the personal boundaries of each unceremoniously attacked. It is believed that the family can not be secrets from each other, so the family do not hesitate to enter the room without knocking or come to visit without notice, arrange cleaning, arrange the furniture and belongings lay sauce "I am acting in your interests. "

If one of the members tends to independence, He was appointed as a traitor, do guilty, condemned, so that in the end he himself begins to seem restless and inadequate. families resulting in the split becomes its inner split, wherein joy is mixed with sorrow, and pride themselves - shame.

4. You find yourself in a ridiculous situation in which find themselves helpless

Superstitious people would assume the evil eye or a curse. But in fact, you unconsciously create in my life situations, which desperately need the support of parents. Puts the purse in his pocket and lose all the money, trying to separate the fight, and you take in police, Fills up the project and depart from work, break a leg, throw university. And very often you find it difficult to answer the question: "How is it?"

Why is this happening

When the children grow up and leave his father's house, in the life of the family enters the stage of "empty nest." The parents have a sense of uselessness. In families where a child for many years served as a liaison in the marital relationship between husband and wife is a void. Previously, they were engaged in the education of children and do not pay any attention to each other. Now it turns out that no other compatibility they do not have, and continue to live together is meaningless. The pair is on the verge of divorce.

And then the grown-up child, like a good son or daughter, unconsciously begin to save parents from the separation and family play a role of stabilizer. When mishaps occur to him, Mom and Dad are no longer cursing each other and unite in the name of saving it. They again appear common goals and is something to talk about. So the child, creating problems, helps parents to save the marriage.

5. You have no private life

Living with parents is unbearable. You are trying to protect themselves from their influence, and to regain independence, find a partner with whom you want to start a family, not like a parent. The satellite is selected despite the expectations of mothers and fathers, to emphasize the right to independence again. It also then becomes a cause of divorce.

Why is this happening

You soon began to live on their own because their parents became impossible to coexist. Relationship with them is still filled with tension and anxiety. You have separated physically, but emotionally still firmly connected. These emotions can be with a minus sign, the main thing that they have and a lot of them: resentment, hostility, pity, frustration, jealousy, resentment.

And then everything that you do, you do not for themselves, but in order to show parents their independence.

It is a concealed struggle between generations, which leaves no room for other emotionally charged relationships and funnel continues to delay you in parent family. In this scenario, you remain primarily a son or daughter, and then - husband or wife.

With high probability, and with a partner in a period of increasing the voltage you will choose the same tactics and run down to the "new life". That is to constantly repeat the unfinished relationship with their parents, trying to finish it in another Union.

6. Your child does not recognize your authority

He speaks in the imperative tone, does not respond to the comments, called by name, his whole appearance said: "Anyway, you did not do anything."

Almost every parent is faced with the problem of disobedience. The psyche of the child differs from the adult psyche: he studies the world of intuitive and requires the authority on which you can rely on in an incomprehensible situation. On the reactions of the parents, he learns the rules of behavior and learn to restrict their desires.

When mom and dad set some boundaries, and grandparents - the other, the child recognizes the authority of the one who is stronger. And hierarchy in the family, he understands nonverbal signs. For example, my mother often it breaks down, causing feels guilty and eventually gives way, and my grandmother talking quietly pets. Conclusion: The grandmother is strong, it is able to cope with their emotions and keeps his word. Or the whole family headed overbearing grandfather, his word - the law, and the child attributes authority him.

Why is this happening

When mom and dad are dependent on their parents emotionally or financially, they are seen as a child big kids. Kid watching his parents behave in a childlike act inconsistently, capricious, shift the responsibility to the older generation. Very often in these families created intergenerational coalition: for example, the grandmother and the grandson of "friendly" educational measures against the parents.

7. You do not know what you want from life, and years looking for myself

I dreamed to learn to be a sound engineer, but my father said: "Music not make any money. Engineers are now in the price. " We wanted to go to journalists, and my mother says, "Which one of you a journalist? You two words can not bind. Go to the doctor, the family doctor is always needed. " You like an obedient child, relying on the wisdom of the ancestors, goes, where it was ordered, but luck was not found. As a result, you are dissatisfied with life, themselves, their parents, and the place of the old wants blooms apathy.

Why is this happening

The behavior of parents is programmed, you follow their beliefs, and the world to you is closed. When a person focuses not on the desires and external clues, intrapersonal conflict arises - a state where inside you break mutually exclusive "must" and "can not". Internal beliefs inherent in childhood, are sitting very deep and sometimes not recognized. They quietly forming life scenario, and you act with caution on embedded postulates. In this case, your "I" can experience very different needs, have their desires. From this and there is a constant conflict between the unconscious and consciousness.

How to cope with all this

The first step is to recognize the existence of the problem. As doctors say, the correct diagnosis - the key to successful treatment.

Secondly, tell yourself: "Yes, I am ready to make their own decisions and take responsibility for them, even if I'm from this is sometimes bad." To make it easier to deal with, it would be good to find their own resources from which to draw strength in any strange situation. And the material as well. Because the claim to independence on the money their parents - is like to run hard, staying on a leash.

Thirdly, it is necessary to use the auxiliary installation, "I - I, you - it is you," "You - my father, I - your son. We are close friends, but we are not one "," You can not take my choice, like I can not take yours, but each of us has the right to life and their mistakes. "

And finally, safely line up personal boundaries in the physical and psychological space. Hate and not be silent, and politely inform that go into your room, wash your underwear, you can not put things in order in the drawer, because you have a lot of years. Have on hand valokordin and emergency room because my mother is sure to become a heart, and the pope pressure rises. Patience, because labeling their borders have not once, but a hundred or two hundred. Be ready to defend the border if they categorically do not comply: to put the lock on the door of the room, pick up the keys to his apartment, set a password on the phone.

You are an adult, and it is an inalienable right - do not let other people to behave in your area as you are not satisfied. Even if these people - your parents.