How do you know that person keeps you on an emotional leash, and walk away from it

A Life Autos / by admin / December 19, 2019

This article - part of the project "autos». In it, we declare war on all that prevents people from living and become better: break the law, faith in the nonsense, deceit and fraud. If you are faced with a similar - share your stories in the comments.

What is destructive attachment

In a pair of attachment appears inevitable, and it is normal that people feel sympathy and attracted to each other. Relationships make us happy, and parting with a partner makes sad.

But it happens that love is beyond the limit of normal and becomes destructive.

This occurs when one partner begins to lose its identity, to see life only a landmark in his beloved. He can be a bad thing in a relationship, but to leave them, he can not. When destructive attachment, a person becomes emotionally dependent on their partner.

Christina Kostikova, psychologist

Due to what is formed such attachment

emotional swings

Classical manipulative technique, The effect of which may be truly destructive. It is present in the toolbox of daffodils. They borrowed it Pickup Girls in the form of art "approaching - distancing." But to roll the victim to emotional swings can unconsciously. People - complex creatures, and as long as one simply can not decide on the feelings, the other hits from his complete dependence.

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The essence of the reception in the alternation of good relationships and alienation. For example, people today agrees to meet with you in every way expresses his affection, hinting at a possible sequel, and you feel that you have met half. Tomorrow he locks you in all the messengers and disappears in two weeks. And then again there and pretend that nothing happened, you complete an idyll. Then he disappears again, and so on without end.

With each return arm victim receives an incredible dose of happiness. At this point, an abandoned people devastated and suffering, so that the graph of the sentiment jumps at the lowest point of its highest - there is a difference in a completely special way. It seems that no one and nothing can bring such happiness.

At the same time the victim is confused, do not understand what is happening when your partner disappears. She begins to look for the causes in themselves and, of course, is. As a result, return of additional partner stained emotions: a person made a mistake (though not understand where), but its simple.

Fall into this trap can be anyone. Just someone turns in time to slow down and assess the situation from the outside - it looks crazy. Someone with these swings may never get off, especially if the arm swings them consciously.

Nastya

I got off emotional swings, but for a long time felt dizzy.

As a teenager, I used to fall in love, but one feeling was truly fatal. Most likely, I quickly moved away from him would have lived on as usual. In general, I can easily relate to the fact that someone I do not like, If only it was a simple and honest: yes or no. But this man was sending very mixed signals. Some meetings were certainly romantic, others - very cold and strange. He would disappear for months, and then come and everything was as if there was no pause.

I have not been able to figure out what's going on. I understand that we do not have relationships, but at the same time did not go out on dates, because when something is still spun. Try to be the best in everything, because the reason for certain coldness in me. It becomes steeper and doprygnu to his level. And I was miserable, could think and talk about only one - thank you friends that suffered.

I slept a lot and worked very hard to fill the void. But still I was happy only when he receives his approval - he finally appeared. This feeling was enough for a few days, and then became more bitter. According to the description like a drug addictionProbably even brittle.

I do not think (or rather hope) that he did it on purpose. Just too was at that age when you do not know until the end, what you want. And scary to let go of something that is clamped in his fist just in case - suddenly come in handy. I did not come in handy.

Everything lasted a year and ended just. Once again he was gone, finally saying something offensive and I blocked it everywhere. Then a man appeared, but I like a little more soberly looking at the situation. He wrote: "Do you want us to see more often, and I'm even friends so often I can not see!" I thought, "Oh, all this time I did not even another", because I was also a lover not. And when you are in the 35th row of someone's hierarchy, the top does not have to climb, we can only leave.

manipulation of self-esteem

A person with low self-esteem is easy to keep an emotional leash. He believes that is not worthy of love, there is nothing of itself is not and can not do anything. Therefore, easily passes the responsibility for their lives differently and be grateful for the fact that he suffers from a number of such a muddle.

to reduce self-esteem the victim, the aggressor will notice every mistake and shortcoming, talk constantly about it - privately and publicly - to focus on how he and all the surrounding cope better. Quickly becomes obvious: can not do without such a partner.

Blurred promises

After hearing "In the summer we go to Italy," you immediately understand what is at stake. Partner gives you specific promise about which performance you can ask questions. The manipulator will create an illusion - not for planning, and for the game.

For example, he asks: "Do you want (a) to live at home?" Pleased with the victim accepts it for the offer, happily agrees and begins to pack his bags. That it's just quickly found out that it was just a question - no one promised.

The trick is that the manipulator can always interpret his words in two ways - and, of course, is not the case, as they are perceived victim. If the bags were not collected in response to a claim has arrived that the aggressor nobody listens and does not take seriously.

As a result, all the results in a gamble, but a disastrous game with trying to guess what is meant partner, and jackpot. Only it will not happen. A victim is increasingly investing in relationships will be deeper swallow the hook.

Using the fears and stereotypes

Manipulator happy to play on the fears of the victims: to be alone, not to marry, not to have a child, of being rejected or to get exposure to the environment.

Let us not forget that the most powerful suppliers templates serve culture, folk morality, with its stable imperatives: "Love must be eternal" "Smoke without fire", "Beats - means love" - and religion: "Love - unconditional virtue", "Love your neighbor as yourself", "Do not resist evil. Whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn to him the other also. "

Svetlana Bibikov, psychologist

As a result, the victim begins to believe that this relationship - its last chance.

Strengthening the sense of guilt

The aggressor diligently wins back the role of victim. He is always bad, and the blame for that partner who, of course, will feel obligated to help, to save, to be around. Maybe you even have the illusion that the arm alone would not survive, will disappear - it is certainly not the case.

An extreme case of game on the guilt - the promise of a suicide. Blackmail can not be the basis for a healthy relationship: the man alone is responsible for his life. However, to fall into this trap is simple enough.

Alla

When attempting to leave feeling like a traitor.

I have a former young man by the standards of many others, "good guy." But not in the sense that he was doing something good, just do not do anything wrong. I do not smoke, occasionally drank beer, did not beat, not called names. But when I think back about it, shudder anger, Disgust, shame - the list goes on.

I could not understand what was wrong. He wanted a serious relationship and hurt me, I do not want these. But what he meant by long-term relationship? That I will take care of it in everyday terms and make a ton of invisible work: keep in mind the information that you need to buy for the house, for dinner, and so on. When I voiced that I was not interested, he began to reproach me, asking occasionally if I changed my mind.

At the same time I was about one and a half years with the strength to get away from him! All this time I was not feeling that somewhere with me already so accessed. And once I realized where: my mother behaves in a similar way.

This resulted in horror. But it became clear why I generally stuck in this relationship: caught the familiar hook. It was a strange feeling. Part of me knew that it was time to bring down, but the other is this: "Yes, what do you do? We all my life since we live! "

Something that happened in childhood, it seems the norm. It took me years of therapy is to understand that you can not take offense at me for what I do not want to sacrifice themselves for the sake of you. What have their needs and satisfy them in a relationship - it is normal.

In my childhood it was not normal. If mom says we're going to the country, then we go to the country. There is no choice, and no one cares about, whether you want or not. And if protestuesh you - a traitor. And you'll get emotional punishment: scandals, accusations, faultfinding. You get used to obey. And when your partner begins to behave in a similar way, I fight not against it, and against the mother. And go against the mother as a child - it's like to go against God. Meaningless, because then you will live?

You can not imagine what a relief - to understand that the partner is not a mom and that it is selected.

material dependence

It seems the part about emotional dependency? But here there is a direct correlation: the money given the feeling security. Without them we can not meet their basic needs like food and sleep, because sleep on the street - so-so idea.

Accordingly, a person who is in complete financial dependence, often emotionally is also tied to the aggressor.

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How to get away from destructive relationships

Person difficult to stop destructive relationship due to feelings of guilt, fear of taking responsibility for their own decisions and change everything. He was afraid that the best partner he did not meet that can not cope with life without him because for a long time all attention and energy focused on it. The disappearance of the beloved is equivalent to its own disappearance and the complete loss of the meaning of life.

Most of these fears is irrational in nature. Free from the destructive influence of affection is real, although difficult. A person will have to meet face to face with a problem, to understand the reasons that led to the the current situation, or the following relationship is doomed to follow the old scenario, and also learn how to find the strength and support of a.
Christina Kostikova

It will be difficult to leave. Once you decide to stop communicating, a partner becomes very accommodating, kind and helpful. May have doubts: "Maybe I just imagined it?" But if you stay, then everything will return.

If you decide to go - do it right away. Know that the more you will find better, free life, and relationships are different. For this we need to work on not a partner, and on themselves. Alter you and your behavior strategy, and you will meet very different people who will have to appreciate, love and respect. And to help in the support of relatives and the psychologist.

"I can not live without you" - a beautiful, but scary stamp that has nothing to do with a healthy attitude. Share this text: a sudden he gets in the eyes to those who have not decided to break with the destructive attachment.