How to survive in the modern world, if you are a perfectionist

Striving for perfection can be an amazing, delightful and rewarding to the human potential. perfectionism - this is a game of snooker with a maximum break of 147 points, the story "The Death of Ivan Ilyich," Tolstoy, Olympic Gold Medalist for jumping into the water from ten meters, "Matthew Passion" Bach, pavilion Mies van der Rohe (Ludwig Mies van der Rohe) in Barcelona ...

Perfectionism may occur in any area of ​​life, but in some areas it is often noticeable.

1. material scope

This may be a desire for an absolutely pure, harmonious and beautiful environment. For example, the kitchen spotless and quiet living. Or it could be an office, in which all the sockets and cables are hidden, there is no excess paper and for every thing there is a box on the desktop.

2. Relationship

In the romantic sphere also has a place deep commitment to excellence. This is a strong desire to be fully understood by another person who has beauty, intelligence, high spiritual qualities and kindness. We can dream of the perfect family, where children get along well with each other, share everything with my parents and enthusiastically perform housework.

3. Art

In art, too, can feel the power of perfectionism. We want to paint a picture that perfectly conveys the mood. make photoWhich expresses a certain experience. Write a story that can be read to be in a particular location.

Natural mechanism of perfectionism

We become perfectionists because our imagination is able to masterfully recreate improved lifestyles. And in some situations it is useful and even necessary. We need the ability to deliver a good script to get energy and focus on their performance. So, it was necessary to include the imagination and represent the early stages of human history, people things to survive: the necessary supply of drinking water, a way to protect themselves from wild animals at night time…

Ideally, the imagination must feed the ambitions that are within practical reach, and that's it. But in fact, the imagination goes beyond these limits. It is ill-suited to the objective assessment of our abilities and how welcome the outside world responds to our desires.

It seems that we are endowed with the nature of the mechanism, which is useful for the species as a whole, but does not give special advantages to the individual.

Like salmon, which jumps out of the water to overcome waterfalls, we are programmed to certain actions (to achieve success, Beat, master), are not related to our abilities.

Nature does not care that we are not able to write a sonata, or come up with an outstanding original business idea. Imagination can not affect our ability. By the way, only one out of a thousand salmon reaches the end point of his journey.

Part of the blame lies on the modern world order. Until recently, few cared ambitions. And then came America. Since the 1940s, the American Dream in a variety of manifestations begins to spread actively throughout the world. More and more people believe that anyone can achieve career heights, material prosperity and a happy family life; that sexual relations are possible with one and the same person for decades; that all the neighbors can be good friends; that the children respect and appreciate their parents. The American Dream has expanded the possibility of happiness and at the same time added problems with perfectionism.

Perfectionism has spread to those areas of human activity, which can not achieve perfection, following universal rules: they simply do not exist. However, there was some concept of the norm, and everything that does not fit into it, the person perceives as failure.

Striving for perfection is necessary

Typically, in the articles on perfectionism immediately specify that in real life, the pursuit of perfection only interfere and therefore should be abandoned. A perfectionist is often called a man who want to criticize for the absurd, overly high standards for yourself and others. Perfectionism is in line with fussiness, pedantry or intrusive.

But perfectionism - it's not always a bad thing. And what is most surprising, when we are faced with things that seem to us perfect, as for example, the music of Bach or the Palladian villas (Andrea Palladio), we do not call them creators perfectionists.

Just need a bit of a different approach to the understanding of perfectionism. First you need to know how much effort is required to make in order to get something good. In cultures like ours, which usually try to please the consumer, suffering creator securely hidden from prying eyes. Restaurant diners will never know how many nights did not sleep a chef, worrying about the new dishes on the menu. The child has no idea of ​​the efforts, doubts and worries, which have to deal with his parents. We do not think about difficultiesThey faced in the cockpit, at the factory or in the conference room.

Only when we get up on the way from the average consumer to the creator, we understand how difficult it all really works. And that, perhaps, our efforts and abilities are not enough.

Good perfectionism involves the ability to tolerate the imperfections of flour - themselves and others - for a long period. Success requires forgive the horrors of the first draft.

Such patience is necessary for us when it comes to love. Enraged perfectionist sometimes tends to get out, but no one has never changed, if it is called distasteful words and slam the door in front of his nose. Of course, sometimes the disappointment in a partner may be so great that one can lose his composure. This could end up shouting, though only need to patiently and calmly explain his point of view. For the perfectionist good solution would be not to abandon their affectionAnd learn how to explain their motives and emotions, share them. Just perfectionist sometimes difficult to put yourself in the other person, less striving for perfection.

Influence others, to try to make it better - a matter that requires vast reserves of kindness, patience, and gentleness. And you will agree, it is much more difficult than to be punctual or maintained perfect cleanliness in the kitchen.

When it is necessary to refuse from perfectionism

The trick is that when something becomes good enough, we must be able to recognize it. Perfectionists often continue to strive for an unattainable ideal. That's what they feel, "If I'm late, the entire meeting will be spoiled. If the car is scratched, I can not get the pleasure of driving. If the room messI would be uncomfortable. "

To cope with the problem, you need to understand that, despite some shortcomings, something that can continue to be attractive.

Get rid of perfectionism is not easy, if it is your second nature. But in this you can help the three things ...

1. Statistics and observation

Since the media usually appear only success stories, to look for more objective information. vapor to partIn business failures happen, good people fall into despair - you need to understand why this is happening.

2. Sense of humor

In the films of Woody Allen (Woody Allen) «Mr. Hulot's Holiday" or "Annie Hall," the characters are far from perfect, but overall it's good people, worthy of love and compassion. We laugh at them, not out of contempt, but because they are fascinated by them. Klutz slams the door, botany refuses girl, someone fired, holidays are bad - and yet we do not feel overwhelmed. Humor helps us to see: to have fun, not necessarily everything must be perfect.

3. Friends with whom you can openly discuss failures

For his reticence we pay too high a price. We are in the glossy world where being a normal person - it means to be successful. We do not want to look stupid, we do not want people to discuss our failures. But in most situations, failure - this is the norm, and our miseries are very common. To learn to live in peace with yourself, you need to acknowledge your own imperfections.