"I will give birth to, then you will understand": 7 reasons to become bad parents

Julia Hill

Psychologist, A member of Professional Psychotherapeutic League, blogger.

Lace, carousel, bows, pink heels and a toothless smile - parenthood is often represented as a state of overwhelming happiness and peace.

The reality often falls short of expectations. By tenderness and joy added anger, irritation and despair. In some cases, it comes down to real depression with seditious thought, "Why I do this? Looks like I hurried "and nostalgia for those times when your life did not represent a clear schedule of feedings, immunizations and classes with a speech therapist.

As analysts say

Modern analysts often refer to the definition of "good enough mother" (eng. good enough mother), which belongs to the well-known British pediatrician, child psychiatrist Donald Winnicott. It applies not only to the biological mother, but also to any "mother figure" - that is, to the person who is caring for a child: the father, grandmother, nurse, and so on.

Winnicott was quite succinct in the requirements for the ideal maternity: he did not say a word about the higher education, training courses for childbirth, a decent salary and a willingness to sacrifice themselves. "Good enough mother", in his opinion:

1. It must physically be. Do not get sick, do not die, do not go on an expedition to six months, and to be with the child and be sufficiently predictable for him.
2. knows how cope with their anxiety - those feelings and fears, which overwhelm her as a parent: resentment, guilt, fatigue, sadness and envy. Deal - not to deny them, and be aware of, analyze, in what is a real danger, and that the threat of far-fetched, do not confuse fatigue with hatred.
3. Do not anticipate all the desires of the child and not to try to protect them from anything else, and give him the opportunity to experience some discomfort, so he learned to deal with anger, sadness and resentment independently.
4. Have your life, rather than focusing only on the child. I am pleased to do something else besides "ASU" and "we poop": work, sports, cross stitch, having sex with her husband and socializing with friends.
5. Be able to dream.

Only with such a parent, he thought Winnicott, the child understands that you can not be afraid of all avoidable and peace. Everything else - breastfeed or mixture, walking on the street or on a balcony, led to development activities include cartoons or - a general matter, or of secondary importance.

To sum up Winnicott, the "good enough mother" - a man, not seeing in parenting an end in itself, but because not using a child to meet their own needs for love, communication, leadership, and God knows what still. He and so everything is there, and in such numbers that he is ready to share it with a child.

However, many decide to become parents of the other motives that are unlikely to lead to anything good.

When you do not have to become parents

1. If the purpose - to strengthen relations

In your relationship, "extinguished flame," you more and more quarrels and you do not trust your partner. Or he pulls a proposal of marriage. The emergence of the hoped-for child rescue relations or their transfer to a different quality.

Naive assumption that the child can keep or change the spouse is very common. If the relationship itself become obsolete, the birth of a child, of course, can unite a couple, but not as partners, but as a parent - that is, people will stay together for the sake of a son or daughter.

This is a very unstable family structure: on the shoulders of the child right from birth places a heavy obligation - by all means to save parents from the divorce.

Typically, these children often get sick, have learning difficulties, behavioral problems. They unconsciously doing everything to mom and dad did not think about his unhappy marriage and the decision of the children's problems with the eternal struggle for the status of a "better parent".

It happens the other way around: for example, the Pope wanted to leave the family, and child was born, Like him as two peas. Then he becomes a "father's joy", "druzhochkom" with which they lead dances against the mother. Old unresolved conflicts creep into a relationship with the child, and marital relations, which are already on its last legs breathe, completely destroyed. Within the family, there is a hidden competition for father's love, which, of course, the child wins. This is a very bleak for the baby, because it actually plays an emotional role of the wife, and his wife, who turns out to be in this family, "the odd man out." Can not run away and stay unbearable. Often it is a straight road to alcohol dependence and depression.

2. To receive dividends

The lover does not leave the family, but it promises to keep you, if you give birth, mother-in-waiting heir, to have someone to unsubscribe apartment maternity capital will cover the mortgage. birth of a child becomes an easy way to get wealth to improve your life in the present and maybe in the future - who knows how many more will change the retirement age.

In this case, the child is held hostage to parental expectations. Glad he is not as a person but as antelope magic that turns everything around gold. it often grows in an atmosphere of 'thou shalt': helping senior, junior nurse, earn money, "Bring-Bring" - formed understanding of "conditional" love.

Man grows with the belief that love can only be for something, not just like that.

It is very difficult psychologically separated from his parents, he feels forever indebted.

Such people tend to find relationships aggressive, domineering partner, who love, as in the parental home, constantly have to "earn" - get paid for some concessions and services.

It should be said about the parents who are waiting for a disappointment: it is obvious that the education and maintenance of the child It requires not only emotional but also physical resources, and the costs are likely to exceed revenues.

3. If you want to escape from work

You are a girl and did not want to work and want platishko and cook soup. But her husband said that without the work you will be boring, or just not ready to support a family alone. birth of a child sees good reason not to engage in more than a matter of the unloved, and realize themselves in accordance with the "women's destination».

It's a sad story, when the child becomes an object of manipulation. Of course, there are women who bring up their children manage better than the rest: patient prone to self-sacrifice, resource and energetic. But this is an exception to the rule. If a woman does not have the strength and desire to work, where did they come to the child? Chances are that this will become a mother deeply unhappy in their "do not know what I want" and will pluck the evil on the child for his "broken life", communicating with them all their problems.

Such a child will grow diffident, apologetic for everything the person with difficulties in arranging private lives, because the main woman will for him to remain, of course, inconsolable mother. Marriage in such cases are often doomed to failure, as the father pulls away from education, is on the periphery or in the family and goes to work with the head, or to build other relationships on the side.

4. Just because it's time

Health is increasingly brings, the extra weight appears baldness and insomnia: a childless old age frighteningly looming on the horizon. As time passes, it is better not to be, and it is necessary to give birth. The appearance of the child as if it promises a second youth, full of memories, events and emotions.

However, "it is time" occurs when you are sincerely willing to change habitual way of life and to give up some habits and interests for the sake of the child (albeit temporarily).

Parenting is not calling anyone and everyone. It is a conscious decision, taken individually.

The idea to have a child, because "time runs"And" so right "leads to frustration, chronic fatigue and neglect of parental duties. And often to the anger on the child who upsets your comfort and personal space, the rhythm of life. In an atmosphere of excessive rigor, lack of support and emotional warmth yet no man up happy.

5. To be better than others

Friends already given birth and does share the successes of their children, discussing cubes Montessori and whether semolina Turkish all-inclusive. Your opinion does not matter, because you are from the category of "give birth, then you will understand." The child needs to confirm its own value in society and maintain a high level of self-esteem.

In this case, the parents of the child projected on their expectations implicitly assumes that it will be a successful project, it will be the best in everything.

Like, do not like it - be nice to go to chess, horse riding and ballroom dancing, to maintain the status of parents and fit their plans for the future.

Kind of like in a comprehensive development there is nothing wrong, if not one "but." Absolutely everything is solved for the child, and at first he could not resist, and then cease to do it. The more rigid the expectations focused on the child, the more difficult it to develop their individuality.

Formed an internal conflict, which has two main scenarios for development: the become limp and lack of initiative, or to arrange a riot and at the first opportunity to get away from home in your spare swimming. The parents in this case are literally left with nothing: their marriage was held on how to grow from a child "decent man." Start searching for the culprit in a pair, conflicts and quarrels.

6. When you need to get rid of the parents

parents always showWhat to do, explaining the guardianship of your immaturity and lack of independence ( "Here bring forth their own, then you will command"), my mother let a tear, talking about the fact that her friend twice became a grandmother and her father complains that there is no one to pass a collection of vinyl, because he's grandson, did not seem to will wait. The only way to get rid of the accusations and expectations seem to child birth.

In psychology, there is such a thing as a separation agent - the third man, who unwittingly contributes to your emotional separation from parents. In this case, the child and becomes a symbol of your growing up and gaining long-awaited freedom.

Sometimes it's really the only way to start an independent life, especially in families where it is considered that the final maturation comes along with parenting. But, as in paragraph 4, the parents are not ready to assume the responsibilities for the upbringing of the child. In one scenario, it is passed on bail grandparents, who now with his grandson realize their need for sverhzabote and control. And then it grows infantile personality, spoiled attention.

In another case, a child - "scapegoat" in the family: it has always focused on the negative, it becomes the main culprit for all the troubles of the family and the family shame. So often it turns abyuzer since childhood man planted an inferiority complex and a hatred of the world.

7. To obtain a guaranteed love

When a woman is desperate to arrange a personal life or husband constantly at work, and it is left to its Me and spends evenings alone, the child becomes a light in the window, a guarantee of eternal unconditional love. Everything that is done for him, intended to compensate for their own deprivation. As the "light in the window" grows, it takes on all the new roles: friend, ally, partner, spouse, caring parent, nanny.

One may consider this option seems quite natural: a child is born, to bring happiness into the house and become the meaning of life. There is someone to talk to, cared about - and the one who will take care of you. It is quite common situation. Traps in the functional load is one thing - to discuss with your child how was your day, share ideas, emotions. And quite another - to work together to solve family problems, to complain about the wife, unite against him, to look into the child what nedodaot partner.

As a result, the distance between the spouses is increasing, but between parent and child - is reduced. The phenomenon of "functional marriage" when the child becomes its parent psychological husband or wife.

This excessive burden: it turns out that the behavior of a child depends on the welfare of the mother or father.

Many friends reacted with incomprehension to my desire to get a dog, "You what? It's such a responsibility! You do all day at work. " And quite differently reacted to the news of pregnancy, "Class, congratulations! What luck! "The same people were willing to trust me with a live baby, but doubted that the dog with me will be fine.

And here it is necessary to go back to the good old Winnicott, right in the place where he is talking about the ability to cope with anxiety and desire to share their own and others. This is a very valuable quality at all times. And regardless of whether you want to become a parent or not.

Lightheadedness, the question of the birth of a child can lead to very sad consequences. Share this article on social networks to get around became more conscious and responsible parents.