Why is it sometimes useful to be asshole
A Life / / December 19, 2019
Mark Manson
Author of "The Subtle Art pofigizma" blogger.
As the nature of the features that define success in life
80 years ago, it began one of the longest studies in psychology. Scientists decided to test the hypothesis that each person is endowed with the basic character traits that are inherited and do not change throughout life. But people make a lot of actions. How to understand, what exactly caused each of them: character traits, or what is happening around us?
To do this, psychologists Gordon Allport (Gordon Allport) and Henry Odbert (Henry Odbert) took Dictionary, and began to write out every word relating to human behavior. they startedTrait-names: A psycho-lexical study. in 1936 and eventually seized 4500 words. Get a comprehensive list of all kinds of human qualities. Then they were grouped by categories. For example, "voluble", "talkative", "chatty" fall under the general definition of "talkative". A "splenetic", "aching", "pitying myself," attributed to the category "melancholy». It took several years.
On the basis of these materials psychologist Raymond Cattell (Raymond Cattell) allocatedThe Sixteen Personality Factor Questionnaire. 16 basic personality traits that affect human behavior. During further investigations it became clear that not all of them are stored in a person's lifetime. By the 1960s, scientists have identified five of stable character traits, which today is called the Big Five.
This extroversion, openness to new experience, friendliness, conscientiousness and neuroticism.
These five characteristics do not changeThe Stability of Big-Five Personality Traits. under the influence of circumstances. They partially determine what decisions are made by people, and how he will succeed in life.
For instance, extroverts an average experience more positive emotions, have more social ties and, possibly, as a result, earn more money. In better health conscious people, they live longer (probably more frequently wash their hands). People with high levels of neuroticism are suffering from emotional problems and are more likely lose their jobs, Divorce and depression become ill. Open to new experiences usually distinguished by creativity, risk tolerance and liberal political views.
But here on the professional success most strongly influences the fifth feature - friendliness. more precisely lack of goodwill. Simply put, asshole earn more money. Sometimes much more.
How it looks in practice
Very simply call it another proof of the injustice of the world and complain that it is always cruel thrive. But, in my opinion, it is quite immature perspective. If you behave friendly, it does not mean that you are good. And someone unfriendly necessarily a bad person. Actually, I believe that some of the assholes in the world is necessary. And that ability to be asshole - this is a valuable life skill.
The words "to be asshole," I mean the willingness to upset other people and cause them to dislike.
Let us take an example: the two sides have to make a deal that will give greater profits and will be useful for the whole world. Let's say, one side has mastered mudachestva valuable skill, and the other - no. That is, one is willing to call interlocutor dislikeAnd a second not ready. The development of events is obvious: asshole podomnot interlocutor for themselves and agree on the most favorable terms.
Now imagine that the two sides do not want to hurt each other. Rather than defend their position, they do not agree with the very best conditions, just to avoid conflict. Such a deal would not be optimal for anyone. It can not take place if both offer other improper conditions and at the same time are afraid to push. In such a case, the parties will converge in the opinion that the transaction is not possible, and go as a friend out for a drink (and never earn money).
And is the third case, when at the negotiating table, two asshole occur. Both sides do not mind upsetting conversation.
They not only try to make conditions more favorable as possible for themselves, they will push even more.
Specially will annoy the opponent, because they know that it is faint, and then he quickly gives up. Ironically, it is this unpleasant situation most advantageous to all. Both parties may be dissatisfied with the result, but the final deal will be best for them. Because in the process of negotiations, they made every effort to achieve the ideal conditions.
However, this approach does not enjoy the honor. Society despises it, because it causes discomfort. But asshole - a necessary part of life. Unless, of course, they stick moral principles.
How to become an ethical asshole
At the word "asshole" we usually think of immoral people. Those who lie, steal, and violate the laws in order to achieve its goals. But apart from them, there is another type of assholes - ethical. And they are the only ones who can resist immoral assholes.
So if you stick to moral principles, you will be useful to develop skills asshole. Some are born with them. They believe that people themselves are pretty useless, so do not fear to spoil their view of themselves. But if you are friendly by nature, you have to train to for you not to wipe his feet.
1. Decide what is more important than someone's feelings
To not be afraid of upsetting others, you must first understand what is more important than their mood for you. Many allow feelings (their own and others') to direct all his life. They do not even realize it because they stopped to think about it.
Would you agree to hurt anyone's feelings, to save a dying relative? Probably yes. And in order to save his career? Unfortunately, not all respond in the affirmative. Well, to help a good cause that you care? Find something that outweighs the fear cause someone's dislike for you. This is the first step.
2. Get used to unpleasant sensations
Most pleasant friendly people believe that they are nice and friendly, because they care about the feelings of others. They say to themselves: "I have never told her this, because it would be unpleasant." But they are lying to themselves. They try not to hurt others, because in the process it will be unpleasant to himself. And they can not tolerate.
But sometimes it is necessary. So learn to put up with their own discomfort, then it will be not so bad to call them from others.
3. Be honest, even when it's hard
All of us have been in a situation where I want to say something important, but these words can be upsetting others. We are starting to get nervous, argue with himself: to tell or not to tell? Enter a new rule: speak important things, even if they are unpleasant. Not go into speculation. Believe me, most of you will be glad you said it. Moreover, other people, too, will be happy, even if not immediately.
The first few times you will be very scary. But soon you will notice that people come to you one by one and, looking back, to see if anyone was listening, saying, "Lord, it has long had to say. It's good that you're not silent! "As soon as you start to receive a positive response, openness will be given to you easier. And this response will not take long, because the friendly people, avoiding discomfort in social situations completely rely on ethical assholes.
see also💩
- The main quality of successful people
- How to deal with asshole
- Why unpleasant people often succeed