What is a healthy female selfishness and how to come to him
A Life / / December 19, 2019
Anna Suhomlin
Transformational coach and trainer, astropsychologist, author and host of online learning projects.
I think you have repeatedly observed a paradox: as soon as you make a decision to change my life and do something important for the a favorite (for example, to go to the North to the seals), literally everything considered it his duty to take part in this active participation. And if you're up to this time, naively believed that up to you no one cares, suddenly a miracle happens! It turns out that you yourself greatly underestimated.
The impression that some invisible alarm is activated, the red light and sirens begin to wail. Your inner circle urgently mobilized and organized vigilant day and night surveillance. And even acquaintances and good friends consider it their duty to express their own opinions and be sure to give advice.
What is the reason for this sudden and intense interest? Banal selfishness. You have it turned on, because selfishness - is a feature of the human psyche. And since the people around you, too, works fine this feature, they are assessing how changes in your life will affect them, and in any case try to avoid it.
the first trap. Catch and neutralize
The most effective methods - resistance and repression. Of course, there is a constructive opposition, but this option is in the nature almost does not occur, otherwise there was no need to write this article.
So this is what the typical resistance and suppression scenarios:
- The desire to talk: "It is necessary to you?"
- Trying to shift the focus: "You'd better instead ..."
- Arguments and Facts, "Up to 30 early", "After the late 40", "A woman should not."
- Public opinion: "What will people say?"
- Manipulation: "You have a heart attack dovedosh!"
- Pressure authority: "I believe that this is complete nonsense."
- Pressure on self-pity: "What about me?"
- Intimidation: "Do not you dare, here I was ..."
- Trying to induce a sense of guilt: "Now, because of you ..."
- The desire to sow doubts: "What makes you think that you got out?"
- Ridicule: "I, too, found a dancer ..."
- Well, or just good old-fashioned hysteria with the scandal.
Thus the other is trying to say to you: "I object, because it hurts my comfort zone». But ashamed to admit it, with especially myself. How is it - go and accept that you're selfish! That's all this is served under the delusion of caring sauce.
But all these typical scenarios would have no impact on you, if not for the second trap.
Traps second. Other people's expectations
When waking up your healthy ego, you feel a surge of strength and dizzy with the possibilities and prospects. Your mind's eye iridescent paints pictures the ideal life, where you swim with the seals and everything is arranged the way you want to.
It was then just turn on the second trap - other people's expectations, stereotypes and social patterns that nurtured generations of hard and invested in our heads since childhood.
A woman should, the woman is obliged... a woman, especially a mother, wife, daughter (underline). And later in the same spirit. And even if you are not yet a wife and mother, that you have to become them first. And if you have a wife and mother, you can not even think about anything else.
And within a beautiful woman's head begins a battle of their own healthy ego with conventional software. If the winning program - in the best case, a woman chooses a safe change, that is, goals that give a sense of change and it is quite consistent with the pattern. To get an education. Marry. Cook. Give birth. Repairs. Country house. Divorce. Get married again.
In the worst case - a woman begins to suppress the natural selfishness, urging myself to other people's expectations. Do not disappoint the parents, meet the expectations of men, to friends envious. And so formed unhealthy selfish. Women who "for the sake of family and children" throwing a career, do not marry "for parents" and the list goes on.
Sometimes a woman in an attempt to break out of the program of acts contrary to the expectations of not only, but also common sense. Then go to the course scenarios "to spite enemies", which results in a deep sad consequences: alcoholism, betrayals, fights.
In all embodiments of this trap woman he blames everyone and everything for their problems, mistakes and failures, and feels cheated. After all, she was promised that if she would do everything correctly, you will be happy.
In general, anyway, it is better if you win a healthy ego. In any case, you can always throw in its sole discretion seals and back.
By the way, very easy to understand that you may not have been such situations and you are completely satisfied with their lives: you do not have read the article up to this point.
Traps third. A goal whose?
And if you've read, I have good news. What you want to listen to the voice of your heart healthy selfishness - is a sign of mental maturity.
But it is growing up - the most difficult and tricky third trap. And if this is your goal? Are you chose their own way of change, rather than succumb to desire someone something to prove?
Very often the voice of social programs, parents and domestic critics drowns our true desire, and if your target contains a postscript "And then all ofigeyut I threw a career and moved to the seals," then, unfortunately, it is not target. This is a common scenario of compensation, which is often confused meanings. To become famous, to prove all. Become successful that all envious.
Grasping the decoy, you risk to spend a lot of time and effort and get in the end is not the result, but a complete disappointment. For if those who are supposed To get from your action, suddenly lost all interest to you (and it is), then you already do not need to be straining.
How to get around the trap
To your journey on the path of change was comfortable and safe, you should know three important rules.
1. Adults really
Currently growing up - is, first of all, taking responsibility for their own lives. And here is a list of areas of your life for which you are responsible only if you want to consider yourself an adult woman having the right to their own decisions:
- Appearance, manner of expression.
- Health, nutrition, physical activity.
- Personal belongings, personal space, personal time, personal finances.
- Knowledge, study, education.
- Interests, hobbies, passions.
- Choice of occupation, place of work.
- Life goals, mission and purpose.
- Communication with the people who matter most, like-minded people.
- Rest, peace and privacy.
As you can see, the list is quite impressive, but it can still be supplemented. These are the areas you can nothing with no one to agree. Actually, the same items have the right not to agree with you and your loved ones are not very close people. Impressive, is not it?
But going beyond these areas of life may require negotiation because there we enter the field of interactions with others.
2. air or shake
If you seriously intend to act, act, with silence at first.
Make sure that this is your goal, not actions to someone in spite, spite.
If the target is not yours, you will be very annoying and disturb the environmental resistance of the medium. A waste of emotion and cries, "You will not let me live" - a litmus test on the falsity of the goals.
The true goal - is that you can not do, and in this case are not particularly worried that this will others think. Not that you really do not care, just the inner significance of this goal is much higher than external evaluation. Therefore, fluctuations in the environment will not really hurt you.
When you are researching the topic and will gain confidence in reinforced concrete that you really have to (in the North ideal weather conditions your skin, and you do not have allergies to seals), it was then and voiced your intention, moreover, it is desirable gradually and casually asking questions. So you create a field for a constructive dialogue.
And if you simply want to attract attention, to intimidate their relatives colorful description of the proposed changes, coupled with the dramatic pause: "Ah well, here I leave you to the North to the seals!" In the desire to make any provocative statement is often worth a banal lack of attention. Think about it.
3. Dear loved ones
Unless you live in the desert, or space and is not an orphan, take with respect to your loved ones, no matter how selfish they are. Especially if your goals are not only affect you. So, it would be great to find out in advance how to relate to your husband and Seals Are your kids to eat fish all year round.
Respect their right to make their own choices and be prepared to make adjustments in their plans. Do not involve them in their own personal change, they do not impose their own goals and do not expect that all enthusiastically rush to pack their suitcases to the North.
And do not try to fight stereotypes. The fight against the system - a losing business because of inadequate energy demands.
In general, from a fascinating journey on the road of change to a healthy selfishness, do not forget to buckle up and take tighter control of your life to at random collision with another's expectations and social stereotypes do not fly by the wayside, and to make an elegant turn and dash away, pomigivaya hopes, in his light future.