What do parents who want to raise a child self
A Life / / December 19, 2019
Try to grow independent children, not happy
The child asked to do a science project. The child can not tolerate the science and projects. You, in fact, too. What will you do?
- Set deadline child, buy materials and put them on the table with a plate of homemade cookies.
- Ask a neighbor chemist to look for a moment and talk about a harmonious and inspiring composition of the periodic table.
- Hide and you will pray that had passed.
If love, responsibility and a desire to support a child pushing you to the first or second embodiment, congratulations, you're wrong. So says Jessica Lahey (Jessica Lahey), teacher and author of the book "The Gift of mistakes."
What I want: my children were quietly happy now, or that they are faced with difficulties, jittery, but become smarter and more capable?
Jessica Lahey
This issue is dedicated to Jessica's bestseller. She works as a teacher in high school and recently realized that the parents of the students, and she brought up children properly. Pupils are lost when faced with difficulties, they cease to love his studies. Parents perceive a bad evaluation to heart. In general, everything is bad.
Jessica could not find the root of the problem, until I realized: we aim to grow happy children, rather than to teach them to build happiness.
Lahey cites work by Wendy Grolnik (Wendy S. Grolnick), A psychologist, who conducted an experiment filmed as mothers play with children. Then Grolnik divided the mothers to "control", which are all made with the children, and "support", which allows kids to play on their own. Then the children participants in the experiment it was necessary to do the job on their own, without mom.
The results were visible. Children whose mothers loved monitor, surrendered at the first difficulties. And the children of mothers who encourage independence - no.
Jessica LaheyChildren demanding and guidance of parents can not solve the problem without help. Children of parents who supported independence, coping with tasks, even if they were upset.
Children who can focus on finding a solution, even if the task seems too daunting, are less dependent on instruction and instruction. They concentrate, organize work, learn, and ultimately live their own lives.
Although the council "let the children fill bumps" may seem obvious, it is difficult to accept. In meetings with readers every time someone comes to Jessica in tears, because the 16-year-old son can not collect a bag to school, and 18-year-old daughter does not know how not to quarrel.
Parents think that there is still a lot of years to educate a child. And it turns out that the child is already 17, but he is still nothing can not.
So what should parents do, who want to raise a child from mistakes?
Do not rush to the rescue
One morning, Jessica found out that his son forgot to book a table with homework. She decided not to rush her to the school, although still going in the wrong direction. Because one mistake will teach his son to be more attentive and organized.
Jessica LaheyWe want to solve all the problems of children, because "so right".
His solution Jessica tabled to Facebook. Not everyone agreed with her: "If my husband forgot a mobile phone, you would have drove him to the phone?" - asked one friend. "Yes, - Jessica said. - But I did not bring up her husband. "
If she helped the child, he would have become a good mom (in their opinion). But the son would not drew any lesson. Parenting - leave the notebook on the table and let your child experience the unpleasant consequences of disorganization.
As a result, the teacher gave his son the additional task of Jessica and a few tips on how not to forget the notebooks at home. And it really helped him.
Give your child feel responsible
Though times have you taken a doormat of a child because of his attempts to get out of getting only messier?
Children can get out and do the dishes without special incentives and persuasion. That's just on the way to cleanliness and order, we have to put up with stained kitchen, not sorted before washing linen and other joys of child labor.
Children are more than we expect from them.
Lahey gives the example of the student who c barely pulled program titled school for gifted children. His mother behaved like a mother hen, resolve conflicts with teachers and constantly nagged teenager, so he sat for textbooks.
The alternative was a common school district with all its "charm." As a result, my mother got fed up and she showed her son how to learn in a simple school. I put it in front of a choice: it will no longer help him. If he does not want to work, he will go to another school.
Child so impressed by the difference between the two schools, he started to work hard. The approach for explanations to the teacher if something is not understood, carried out all the homework. Honors student did not, but that's not the point.
Reward for the effort, not the result of
We love to encourage children to tell what they are wonderful. But we must not reward children for good grades, and for their hard work. Otherwise, they will develop fixed mindsetIn which any call is confusing. This type of thinking described by Carol Dweck, a researcher at Stanford. She conducted an experiment.
The researchers gave two groups of fifth graders simple tests. The first group was told that they did everything right, because they are clever. The second group was told that they have coped with the task, because as it should have tried.
Then children were given sophisticated tests that they still could not cope. It turned out that the "good girl" tests did not like, they did not want to deal with them. A "diligent" the children decide that they need to think more and try another time.
Then the researchers gave children easy job again. "Good" was hard, the results were worse than the first time (although the complexity of the first and the third task was the same). Results of the "diligent" were better than the first time.
The researchers then told the children that the same conduct test at another school, and the students were asked to draw up a letter in which they indicate their scores. "Good" ratings overestimated in 40% of cases, "diligent" - 10%.
If you show children that you can fall and get up, they realize: Error in the job speaks only of the particular case, and not about the person as a whole.
Lahey every day sees the consequences of a fixed way of thinking in the classroom. Children who are praised for the mind and the estimates made at least enough to be considered intelligent. They do not take up additional work and are afraid to suggest - Suddenly it wrong?
So advice is this: Praise for effort rather than results. And tell the children how you are mistaken, and found themselves in a deadlock.
Praise your children like grandchildren
Many people understand that children are helpful to play sports on the street and play with friends. We want our children running around in the fresh air, interact with their peers, having fun.
But as soon as the child starts to win, many parents turn into maniacs: imagine yourself severe coaches, give directions and shouting through the whole area, that the child should "give the ball to whom speak. "
Bruce Brown (Bruce Brown) and Rob Miller (Rob Miller), two coaches, conducted a survey among school athletes. Coaches were asked to name their worst memory of the sporting event.
There is nothing worse than driving in a car with their parents after the match. Solid advice, as it should have been done, and no support.
Jessica Lahey proposes to submit to the sporting event that you are not mom and dad, and grandparents. Because their support is not dependent on the achievement. Grandparents do not criticize the coach or referee. Even if they lose, they just cheer grandchildren without a second thought about the gold medals and the championship.
Understand yourself and explain to the child that the teacher - a friend, not an enemy
Many problems can be prevented by talking with teachers. Easier said than done.
We heard of parents who need to increase the score, and believe that a child in a school plagued?
The teacher caught between two fires: parents want children to learn everything, and taught how to be, but I think that to learn - too hard, the children can not withstand loads.
Jessica Lahey offers to improve the relationship between parents and students. Some of the proposals is simple: to be polite and friendly, respectful of school and education. Sadly, even this is not always the case.
Here are other suggestions:
- Go to deal with the teacher immediately after a bad evaluation, and the next day.
- Inform the teacher about the serious events in a child's life.
- Give your child the right to vote in a conversation with the teacher. Activate the house dialogues with teachers.
And most importantly - allow children to make mistakes. This will lead them to success.