How not to ask for help: 4 most common mistakes

1. Emphasize how a person like you to help

One of my colleagues have a friend who always formulate the request in this way. "Will you help me repaint the living room? Popem beer and a chat! Bachelorette party! "- can write it. Or "Hey, can you take me out of the garage? We have 100 years have not seen! We'll have a mini-tour! ". It's amazing that their friendship can withstand such requests.

In general it is a bad way to enlist someone's support. People really like to do something good for others. But when you tried to convince how nice a person will help you, all the joy from helping disappears.

It turns out, if you are trying to control it, but still behave very presumptuous - to decide for others how he will feel.

Can you mention some benefits to help, but gently. Do not mix selfish reasons and altruism in one pile: So your request is too similar to manipulation. The researchers tested this by using a single experiment

Mixed reasons, missed givings: The costs of blending egoistic and altruistic reasons in donation requests.. They wrote about a thousand graduates who had not transfer funds to their university, and asked for a donation. Participants received one of three versions of the letter:

• c selfish motivation: "The graduates have reported that donations to the university cause their positive emotions";
• c altruistic motivation: "The donation - this is your chance to change something in the life of students and teachers";
• with mixed motivation: "You get a lot of positive emotions. And yet this is your chance to change the lives of others. "

And those who have received a letter with mixed motivation, donated half as often.

2. Describe the services you need something small and insignificant

We often say that we need, as some trifles, to which the other will leave a minimum of effort. "Can you bring these documents to the client? It is almost on the way to your house, "or" add something to the database? It will take you only five minutes. "

But thus reducing its request, and we reduce the value of the service.

And those good feelings that might occur in humans in the process of care. In addition, there is a risk that you miscalculated how much time a person will go to perform your request. Especially if you do not quite understand his work.

For example, my editor periodically writes an old friend with a request to see his texts. it usually sounds something like this: "I think the text is quite clean. You can be deducted quickly? This should not take you long time! ". She opens the attached file, and it appears that it is a scientific article in 6000 words. And once it was a book.

I do not think people are doing it out of selfishness. We just do not always understand that include the responsibilities of experts from other industries. As a result of another person's work, we consider a simple and small. But this attitude is unlikely to contribute to success.

3. Reminding that you should

• I remember when I took you to problematic client?
• Remember the time I sat down with your child?
• Remember how you always forget the keys to the house and I had to go back and open the door to you?

It is better to abandon these phrases. Generally, if a person needs to be reminded that it is something you required to, most likely, he does not feel obliged. And speaking of past service just put both of you in an awkward position. It would seem that you are trying to control the interlocutor (which is exactly what you are doing).

Such treatment does not like anyone, but at the same time refuse is awkward.

My editor was exactly in this situation. She politely explained to a friend that he was asking her to do the work, which will take about 40 hours, and offered to see the chapter in which he particularly questioned. And he answers reminded that helped her articles at the beginning of her career. It seems to be logical that now she must respond in kind.

But it is appropriate when the services are about the same. Help with a few short articles - not the same thing as editing an entire book. In addition, to remind of the past is possible, if you help a person not long ago. It is unlikely that someone will feel obligated to you 10 years later - unless you saved his life.

4. Too balk at how you can help someone to help

Thank you for the help you can in different ways, and we often do it wrong. We are too hung up on how to feel yourself and forget about the other person. Scientists have noticed this while watchingPutting the "You" in "Thank You". Examining Other-Praising Behavior as the Active Relational Ingredient in Expressed Gratitude. to see how people thank their partner for the recent help.

Some pointed out the positive qualities of the partner - for example, saying, "You're so responsible," "You're always trying hard to help", "You got it pretty good at it." Others mentioned only about himself: "It helped me relax," "It makes me very happy", "Now I have something to show off at work."

As a result, scientists have identified two different types of thanks: "rejoice in another 'and' Rejoicing for themselves."

The first type recognizes the value of the one who has helped us, and the second describes how much better we learned from relief. At the end of the experiment, participants who are themselves assisted, appreciated how sensitive was their partner, as well as how satisfied they are now feeling. Those who praise, feel happier in general and was more inclined to partner.

This is worth considering. We are by nature self-centered look at the world - first of all think and talk about themselves. And get help, naturally, we want to tell, what feelings it aroused in us.

It seems to us that this is what the other person wants to hear, because he helped us to become happier. But it is not so.

Yes, he wanted to make you feel better. But the desire to help someone is also closely linked with self-esteem. People do this because they want to be good and cause the respect. They want to see themselves in a positive light, and it is difficult to do, if you are talking only about their feelings. Therefore, the focus is not on himself, but on the one who helped you.