How to talk with your child about Death: Tips psychologist

The loss of a family member or close friend - these are the events to which people are usually not ready. And we certainly do not think through in advance how we will communicate the sad news to her children. Layfhaker collected tips child psychologists on how to build a conversation with the child in this difficult situation, and asked them to comment on Tatiana Rieber.

Why is it so hard to talk to children about death

On the one hand, at the mention of someone else's death, we are faced with such a theme as the inevitability of our own. We are afraid that the conversation will go on that one day we too will die and leave their child alone. "Mom and Dad, too, will die?" - ask the children with the fear, because death gives them a strange sense of longing for the man whom they would never see. Also, children may be concerned about the fact that they too are mortal. This idea may well shock some guys.

The child is worried that he might be alone, that all adults can die. And this question is rather safe.

Tatiana Rieber

On the other hand, we unconsciously identify ourselves with our children: they are projecting their emotions, ask the question, what would we have felt at their age. It all depends on how we, as a small, first lost a loved one.

If as a child you are faced with divorce or death, and the parents were caught up in their emotions so that they left you alone with your grief, you will experience more difficulties in a similar situation with my children, because you will tend to project on their own pains.

Finally, we are concerned that talking about death can harm the fragile child's psyche: cause fear, to injure. And it really can happen. Therefore it is better not to try to stay ahead of the child's mind and tell him what you think is necessary, but calmly and tactfully answer his questions.

If there is no fear of death in adults themselves, and the communication with their own child on this theme runs smoothly.

Tatiana Rieber

How to help your child understand death

At the age of 3 to 5 years, children have a very limited understanding of death. Although they know that the heart of the dead person is no longer beating and that he could neither hear nor speak, it is difficult to understand that death is final. They think that it is reversible, that Granny come to him tomorrow.

To help them understand the meaning of death, be sure to say, when a person dies - it's forever, it will not come back. To ease the sadness of parting, tell your child that he can always remember the good moments spent with the deceased loved one.

Help your child to understand that death is part of the natural cycle of life. You can start with the examples, which are not as emotionally colored (eg, trees, butterflies, birds), patiently explaining that lifetime at all different.

Also tell them that sometimes living things so seriously ill that they can not survive. But insist on the fact that people and animals in most cases, can recover and live to a ripe old age.

Children face death rather early. Usually before adults understand it, or when the latter has an idea to talk about death. Children see dead birds and animals on the road. At such times, the parents cover the child's eyes and say that he was not looking. But before death and birth were perceived as the most natural processes.

Tatiana Rieber

In explaining the concept of death, avoid using words such as "fell asleep" and "left." If you tell a child that his grandfather had fallen asleep, the baby may begin to be afraid of sleep, fear of dying. The same, if you tell him that my grandfather left. The child will be waiting for his return and worry when other family members will be collected in real journey.

Do not tell your child that his grandmother died, simply because she was ill - he may decide if she picked up the usual cold. It may appear the fear of death, even if it's just a cold or someone from the family will start to cough. Tell him the truth, using simple words: "My grandmother had cancer. This is a very serious illness. people sometimes manage to recover, but not always. " Reassure the child that death is not contagious.

Things and processes need to be called by their names, because children perceive the information coming from the parent, in the truest sense. And the younger the child, the more careful you need to be parents and innocent jokes and words that can be interpreted in different ways.

Tatiana Rieber

Children and adults of different mountain experience. What kind of reactions should be expected, and which should cause concern

The stages are really different, and they are less visible in children. The psyche of the child often takes unconscious attempt to protect it from the heavy emotions. He seemed to digest the information bit by bit.

In general, it may look as if the child does not feel anything.

Some parents notice: "After our conversation, he just went back to the game, no questions asked." In fact, the child is all very well understood. But he needs time to digest the information.

It's a defense mechanism. Children use it more than adults, because their psyche is more fragile. They still enough mental strength to cope with their emotions and the energy they need, first of all, to the growth and development.

There is no need to repeat or to check whether the child understands what you tell him. He will return to the subject later, at your own pace and ask all his questions, when he is ready to hear the answers.

Some children may ask questions of strangers, such as a school teacher. This is due to the fact that people do not experience grief along with everyone able to impartially provide the necessary information, which the child can trust. Often, the children return to this subject in a conversation before going to bed, as it is associated them with death.

The symptoms can appear within a month the child hidden alarm: Trouble falling asleep, unwillingness to listen and eat normally. But if these symptoms persist for a longer time, and you notice that your child has become more withdrawn and depressed both at school and at home, you should pay attention to it and initiate a confidence conversation.

If you own can not be found the right words to help him cope with anxiety, you should consult with a child psychologist.

How to help your child cope with the loss of a loved one

It all depends on the person who died, under what circumstances and at what age is a child. But in any case, the emotional state of the parents is an important factor that largely affects the response of the child. Embrace it, caress, tell us why you are upset.

You have the right to express sadness and mourn their loss. This will help your child understand that he can show his emotions.

If you feel depressed, at first take care of yourself. It also would be a good example for your child and allow him to realize that if you feel bad, you have to be attentive to her. In addition, it will teach him to ask for help in a difficult moment.

Mothers, even more than their fathers, tend to believe that they must bear the emotional burden on their own, handle all affairs and always look good. But this is unreal. If you worry too much, you can and should take care. Ask about her spouse, friends, relatives.

Especially a child in these moments sometimes asks questions, which can cause you more pain. He does this not out of sadistic motives, but because it instantly captures the mood of a parent. It can be be very difficult, so such questions should respond to the person who is less prone to experience.

You do not have to follow the rules, which, as you seem to exist in society. Some say that the child must be all show and tell. In fact, it should remain at the discretion of parents. You must be confident in what you are doing, and trust your instincts.

Sometimes, on the contrary, hiding certain things from a child can be a wrong step. If you lie about the reason for his bad mood, he can not understand why you are experiencing these emotions, and begin to dream is that you would never have occurred to him. It can, for example, feel guilty in your frustration or start to fear that there was a conflict between the parents, and they are going to get divorced.

Death - it is always an emotionally tense event. It should not be hidden from the child, but try to protect it from strong shocks.

Should I take the children to the funeral

Tatiana Rieber says that if the parents themselves are not afraid of this process, and if the child resists, the answer is probably yes. child family services at the cemetery depends on the attitude to death, taken in its environment. Children in families who observe religious traditions, attend a funeral fit for a coffin. In fact, the cemetery is not a place for walks with children. But relatives of the deceased, if it is a tradition to take children as possible.