How not to score themselves and be happy, if you're a working mom
A Life / / December 19, 2019
Natalia Moiseenkova
Co-founder e-xecutive.ru community managers. She worked in the tech-companies in Russia, Europe and Asia. The project is led in Foreign Independent Media (rb.ru, Viadeo Russia). Who is involved in marketing Welltory.com, Applications for stress management and energy. Happy mother of three children.
What is the problem
Interesting fact: in leadership positions increases the risk of depression in women and men - no. Such conclusions were made by scientists of the University of Texas as a result of the study, which was conducted from 1957 to 2004Job authority may increase depression symptoms in women.
Woman, endowed with the power to hire people to work, to dismiss and determine the level of wages of their employees significantly more likely to have symptoms of depression than women without such authority. In this case the male leaders of the frequency of symptoms of depression, on the other hand, is much lower than in men who do not occupy such positions.
The main explanation for these results, the researchers believe chronic stress, because women are very often also responsible for family and children. Conditions to which they are exposed, often exceed their capabilities.
Why it happens
It is not because women are worse than they need to work or stay at home. They just have not been able to end to adapt to their new social role, which is in deep conflict with the role of evolution, with the rules of Community and sexual behavior, which have been incorporated in them.
Biological basis makes a woman instinctively accept that her main concern - to have children and take care of them. Moreover, it is our mission to physiological, so naturally with the advent of children, the mechanism we live for them. We are committed to a biochemical, hormonal.
When the mission is made to have a baby, a woman ceases to fight for themselves and their attractiveness.
This is compounded by the fact that the child takes a long time to become independent. During this period, in the brains of women formed a completely new neural chains of pleasure and happiness.
The feeling of happiness in humans occurs in the development of certain hormones: dopamine, serotonin, endorphins and oxytocin. For the role of the mother is crucial last - the hormone of attachment.
The woman's body the main role of oxytocin - contraction of the uterus muscles and mammary ducts pectoral glands, so the level of this hormone is very important during childbirth and during lactation. After the birth of the child's development of oxytocin increased too, and every time we are close to him, this hormone continues to be produced.
Therefore, a sense of guilt when we are not close to an infant - is oxytocin hunger.
With a lack of the hormone we feel bad, anxious, we feel guilty - it means we have done something wrong. But at the same time, our social role, which historically has changed, does not leave us. We want to be close to kid hormone, but can no longer be excluded from the society. Hence the two most common problems: the accumulated stress in women and postpartum depression.
Most women with this do not do anything. They are a chronic fatigue and stress as a time bomb. Than it is fraught? Breakdown. He will deal with children and lead to a lack of attention to yourself and to your partner. Therefore, there is nothing good to heroically carry out its mission, very tired and forget about yourself. This should be overcome. For women in current social conditions dedication dangerous.
How to overcome his own lack of attention to himself
1. I understand and accept that many of your feelings dictated biochemistry
This is not a duty, not a higher meaning, it is a banal overabundance of certain hormones. And they are produced in your body in the same quantity in which it was necessary in times of Cro-Magnon. It is advisable to look into this, to examine themselves, to manage emotions and better understand them.
2. learn selfishness
To think about themselves and their desires is crucial. Only a developed sense of self-interest will allow you to remember that your life is not over, you are healthy and happy, child will need more than the poor and tired, and allocate your time according to this. Mandatory to book reading - "The virtue of selfishness"Ayn Rand.
3. Distribute the roles in the house
Moms - very bad managers. They are afraid to delegate and do not know how to prioritize. Often, your pets do not necessary because you are afraid of them this charge, may not present or is unable to determine what is important and what is not. And let there be no illusions: working women who have learned a lot and have time to be happy, never do everything alone.
For every happy woman worth loving her children and assistants, without which she can not cope and which conveys a part of the tasks.
How to learn to be happy
1. Allow yourself this
In the famous book by Steven D. Levitt and Stephen J.. Dabnera "Freakonomics"From the perspective of behavioral economics is considered the formation of patterns of behavior in children. The authors came to an unexpected conclusion: children affects not so much what we do with them or for them, and then, as we are ourselves.
For example, not the most educated and loving reading grew, those who were forced to do so or who read at night, and those who were in the house of large libraries and who are often seen with their parents book.
Why this example? To make their children happy, you have to do to become such and to develop this feeling.
Happiness - it's not routine, and some moments. Do not worry if you miss a lot of everyday things related to children. The human brain is trained to optimize everything. Getting used to something, it ceases to have rewarding dopamine or serotonin for habitual action. What does it mean? This means that in the memory of your children as a happy memory postponed something unusual: a special day trip. The child will not be unhappy if you spend with him five dinners a week, instead of seven.
2. Practice
Delegate responsibility
Assign someone in your home is that you think you are doing better than others (reading at night, cook pancakes). Try not to make comments, give the man a chance. So you bring up the habit of trusting other people to do something, even if imperfectly.
Be aware of what you wish for
In drawing up the plans for the month, quarter, year, make a list of desires for himself.
Think about what is still to come
Think what dreams you still are going to realize in life (again fall in love, go to Mexico, to dance tango). Throw thought that might be too late. The word "later" should be out of my head.
Calls for a greater emphasis on
Allow yourself to be capricious or fastidious with those who love you. It is very important. You are entitled to this weakness (most importantly - do not abuse). So you develop the habit of those around you to be careful. Do not forget that you're the most important person in the family, and it should be appreciated.
3. Get into the habit that will make you happier
To produce dopamine
1. Celebrate small victories. You achieve some success every day. So try to see them and say to yourself: "I did it!".
2. Move towards new goals gradually. To begin, take a new goal of 10 minutes a day and you will feel the joy of movement instead of despondency and inertia. But devote time to act, not dreams. These 10 minutes will provide a surge of dopamine, to build new neural connections.
3. Be objective: Do not overstate or understate their bar. Positive emotions cover you when you are facing the problem or the problem is feasible for you.
If basketball hoop hangs too low, you will not get much pleasure from being hit by the ball. If it is too high, there is no point in even trying to throw the ball in the basket. Therefore, if you do not feel the joy of some victories, perhaps, the difficulty level is too low or too large for you.
To generate endorphin
1. Laugh. Sincere laughter is necessary in order to start the mechanism of the production of endorphins. Watch yourself, find out what makes you laugh, and try to use it regularly. If this is a humorous transmission or comedy - watch them, if a group of friends - to meet more often.
2. Weep. Do not do it on purpose. But if you wanted to cry, do not hold back, thinking that it's stupid or a sign of weakness.
3. Makes a variety of physical exercises. So are utilized different muscle groups, stimulating the production of endorphins.
For production of oxytocin
1. Do regular massage self-massage.
2. Pay attention to your friends and go to meetings. Every little action, aimed at strengthening friendship with another person, causes a surge of oxytocin.
Lawyers specializing in divorce cases specifically initiate small positive interaction between the couple and as a result often seek agreement among them.
For serotonin
1. Proud to be done. Once a day, be sure to Speak themselves satisfied with their actions or share your pride with others.
2. Remember Happy moments. Look at old photos or reread the diary entries relating to those pleasant days. This simple action increases the synthesis of serotonin.
3. Learn to appreciate their position, whatever it may be. Being subordinate to someone, get their benefits, such as the lack of accountability. And if you are in a dominant position, enjoy the respect of others and the ability to choose. In other words, find the positive in every situation.
4. Once a day, pause briefly to assess the benefits that brings to others. Try not to draw attention to it and not to make statements in the spirit of: "I'm told you so!". Just look for even small signs of respect and feel satisfaction from them.
5. Relax, if you can not control everything. That is the way our brain: it feels good when control of the situation. Learn to feel safe even when not everything is subject. To create a neural chain, pay attention to the moments when you aspire to control everything and act exactly the opposite.
For example, perform such experiments with time:
- Start any business, without restricting in advance the time of his execution. It ends when you think that it is over.
- Every day highlight some period of time when you can act without a plan.
- Determine for yourself the days when you can wake up, not looking at the clock, and to perform their normal business without checking the clock.
Remember, the brain needs all four of the hormone of joy. Therefore, to maintain a balance in the diversity of habits and make even in their hobbies. If you love taking pictures, then cause a surge of dopamine can be a constant search for new angles, activate oxytocin production - sharing work with others, and serotonin - showing them exhibitions.