How to save a relationship, if you are a hopeless egotist
A Life Inspiration / / December 19, 2019
In today's world of rapidly declining value of the concept of "we". More and more people think self-centered, "There is my opinion and wrong." It gives priority to the individual and not the public interest.
Technology development and popularization of social media to catalyze this process. Ability to handle the phone or the computer becomes more important communication skills. Think about how often our attention is drawn to gadgets during meetings with relatives.
How does this affect the relationship?
It can not be called healthy relationship in which everyone thinks only of himself.
Authoritative family psychologist, professor at the University of Washington, John Gottman (John Gottman) examined more than 3 thousands of couples, their behavior and habits. He has developed a diagnostic system that allows a high degree of probability to determine whether the couple together in the future.
One of the questions to help you understand it, is this:
What oriented partner everyday behavior: "I" or "we"?
In such a delicate matter as marriage, the answer to it decides to part his wife or not. How selfish of their actions, the closer they are to break.
The temptation to make decisions alone is very large. The desire for independence and freedom rooted in human nature. But family life is destructive permanent independence.
Thinking and behavior in the style of "I! My! Me! "Destroy relationships. Egocentrism funny in "Family Guy" and "The Simpsons," in life, he brings to ruin. The first couple of years of this, you can not notice it, but after a long time people are so tired of the ego partner that is ready to break off contact with him. In 97% of cases, people get divorced after seven years.
Why seven?
Gottman conducted another study. At this time, together with Robert Levenson (Robert W. Levenson). Scientists have analyzed past investigations and colleagues determined that the seven-year mark of the experience of family life is most vulnerable.
Finding reasons, psychologists have found that the crisis brings the "I" is the direction of thinking. Egocentrism generates almost daily quarrels, which, in turn, erode the foundation of the relationship. It affects and the intimate sphere: ignored the emotions and desires of the partner, sometimes there is a physical or psychological violence.
The presence of children increases the chances to save the marriage. But if the spouses are bound not love, but a moral duty, then they get divorced as soon as the children grow up. If there are no children or other mutual obligations (eg, mortgage), it is unlikely that even a couple will last seven years.
But what about the "healthy egoism"?
Many remember John Galt relationship with Dagny Taggert from the novel "Atlas Shrugged." Their romance was based on the principle:
I swear on my life and the love for her that will never live for the sake of another person and never ask, and will not make another man to live for me.
Do think of yourself - it is bad? Indeed, without a strong "I" -Concept there is no self-confidence and self-esteem.
Indeed, in all have their positive and negative points. But the life of the individual as such, and married life - a few different things.
Self-esteem as the yin and yang - balance is important. The ability to value yourself - it's good, if you do not indulge in narcissism.
A simple example. You bought a cool sports car, without consulting with his wife (husband) or ignore it (his) opinion. In their eyes you are a lucky man, whom all envy. This purchase will boost your self-esteem and perhaps even social status. But he feels the wife (husband)?
On the other hand, the purchase of, for example, you liked the video game does not require a discussion on the family council. (Of course, you are not limited in finances so that the choice is between eating and play?) The couple must a priori respect and support each other's interests.
I'm selfish! What am I now to be killed?
Many consider themselves egoists, but few qualms. Is this bad?
In fact, people always act in their own interests. We take selfishness, even helping someone. Whatever may be the altruistic personality, she is still waiting for a reward - to share the joy or get praise. This so-called ethical egoism. It is considered as a motivational factor - is what drives us to do something for others.
However, the desire to help each other atrophied in modern society. The population is growing in proportion to the increase in the level of narcissism. The phenomenon of Self, a person focuses on his own "I", and the absorption of television content makes to compare themselves with the characters on screen. "What the hell they are rich, and I'm not?"
We associate with childhood self and others. I and relatives, classmates and I, I and passers-by. But the media turn up the bar, forcing us to compare ourselves with the movie stars and models. Hence the need for constant narcissism and protrusion of his "I".
Narcissism also characterized by the absence of empathy for people. These individuals do not show a sincere pity and sympathy, even vowing to be with someone in grief and joy until death do us part.
I do not mind anyone. I am the rose?
Not.
External indifference may be due to various factors: the grief, depression, resentment. It can also serve as a mask that hides the vulnerability.
Science has established that true narcissists missing or malfunctioning amygdala in the brain.
The amygdala - a brain region that plays a key role in the formation of both positive (sympathy, pleasure) and negative emotions (fear, anxiety).
Problems with the amygdala are also found in psychopaths. Easy! This is not necessarily serial killers (though most of them are inherent in psychotic disorders).
Psychopathy - a syndrome characterized by callousness towards others, a decrease in the ability to empathize, egocentric and superficial emotional reactions.
There are so-called functional psychopaths. They live among us. The difference between them and subclinical psychopaths in that the first control "dark side" of his personality. Moreover, composure and prudence to help them build a career.
The difference between the clinical forms of psychopathy and antisocial personality manifestations seen in brain scans.
Even people with normal amygdala may feel the need for increased attention to himself. Psychology professor Jean Twenge (Jean Twenge), author of Generation Me ( «generation JAJAJA"), Conducted a large-scale sociological research. The results showed:
Narcissistic personality disorder is common in today's twentysomethings three times more likely than the generations of those who are now 65+; 2009 students, at 58% more narcissistic than 1982. Students.
The thirst for self-affirmation increases each decade:
- My opinion is extremely important.
- I am worthy of high wages.
- I have become famous.
- I'm getting married (marry) only on the ideal woman (of the perfect man).
- I have to be in demand.
- I need today to be happy this subject.
Although much more important to ask ourselves:
- How do I live? What do I want from life?
- Who am I?
- Can I get better?
Ok, I understood everything. What to do?
First of all eradicate the "I" -myshlenie. Remember the romantic period of your relationship when you first met and started dating. Then you studied facets of each other and sensitive to the opinion of the partner. An amazing metamorphosis: two "I" united by common goals and dreams and become "WE". "We get married". "We live by the sea." "We give birth to a son."
Romance passes, and ego goes out again. But, believe me, to suppress it - does not mean being spineless or abandon their goals. Rejecting the "I" -myshleniya, you will return to harmony in relationships.
What saves humanity from destruction in the tragic moments in history (wars, natural disasters, etc.)? That's right - consolidation. Individuals turn to the society, pushing the odds on the back burner. Picture of the world in terms of "we" is more complete and objective, than with its bell tower. "We" stronger "I".
In the face of danger and trouble together is not something that the wife, and the whole nation. Keep this in mind when building family relationships.
In his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (published in Russian under the title "Map of Love" in 2011) John Gottman makes seven recommendations, how to save a relationship.
- Drawn "map of Love". Instead of counting the cracks in the boat of love, think about what you do to fix it. Do not greet mindlessly on their spouse problems. The more you seek to understand the wishes and feelings of the partner, the more will get the response.
- Cherish the love. Hurtful words and annoying traits instantly comes to mind. Especially in quarrels. If you want to save the relationship, think about that for a loved person. Write on the paper a list of reasons why you appreciate it.
- Be attentive to each other. The couple have known each other as ourselves. If you see that your other half something not (deliberately became talkative partner or, conversely, silent), do not miss this. Do not make the interrogation and forced psychotherapy sessions. Just be there, create the conditions to close people wanted to share their experiences.
- Take the relationship for granted. You are together, you are a couple. Your decisions and actions affect the partner. Do not act selfishly. Has always been considered a wife's position, the Council and come to a common denominator.
- Arrange dot the i. "You have to scatter socks!", "Do not you know how to cook!" - mutual reproaches end quarrels. Do not criticize - the suggested solutions. "Honey, let's buy a laundry basket in a basket ball?" "Honey, let's write a cooking course?"
- Look for a way out of the impasse. The problem both to blame. Always. Sulk like a mouse on the rump and build an imaginary wall of indifference - is a dead end. Without the ability to forgive the relationship is doomed. Be able to lay down their arms and throw the white flag.
- Create shared meanings. In a relationship important roles: home (I'm taking the children out of the garden, and I cook dinner) and spiritual. The family is different from the novel that the two do not just spend time together, but the general meaning of life combined. Their dreams and desires are inseparable.
In the family there is no "I" - in the family is the "WE".