Why do some people find it difficult to survive the separation

The most common question that most people ask themselves after a particularly painful ended relations: "What the hell went wrong? '. People tend to learn from mistakes, and that is why they seek in whatever was to find the truth before you enter into a new relationship. They analyze the events and details, multiple scrolling in the memory of the moments that would be a prerequisite for separation to finally build a complete picture of what happened.

In some cases, such efforts can succeed: a reflection helps a person to come to terms with the painful memories of the past and pushes him to move forward. But sometimes the soul-searching leads to the opposite result: the bitterness of the loss only becomes more acute, rather than to die down.

Lauren Howe, together with a colleague Carol Dweck (Carol Dweck) conducted a study that helped to find out why some people in any They can not get rid of the ghosts of the romantic past, while others, with minimal loss of discontinued outdated relationship. During the experiment Lauren read a huge amount of personal stories about difficult parting. They helped her to identify the pattern, allowing divided all people into these two types.

The study took place as follows: first, participants were asked to recall the moment when they learned that the partner does not want to continue the relationship more. Then they were asked to answer the question "What did you feel and what lesson learned from what happened?". The majority of the responses it became clear that most of separation makes people think that with them that something is wrong, time partner has decided to terminate the relationship.

Everything seems to be going well, but one day my favorite just stopped talking to me. I still do not know what happened. Perhaps I was too intrusive, it scared him.

A participant of the experiment

I realized that I too sensitive. I reject people because he afraid of being rejected. This is my character trait drives everyone crazy and makes people stay away from me.

Participants of the experiment

The heroes of these stories, sooner or later found themselves in some hidden flaw. Some were too caustic, others were very complex, because of which continue the relationship was not possible. It unites all these people one thing: a negative quality that poison ate at large and bright feeling.

I realized that some of my inner "I" sabotaging my desire to be happy.

Participants of the experiment

I feel crushed and broken. It has long been trying to convince himself that what happened to blame for not only me, but I did not manage it. Sometimes it becomes quite unbearable.

Participants of the experiment

All the stories about the separation, one similar to the other. People even talk about them are equally asking, as a rule, the same questions: "What is wrong with me?" And "What I was not right?". And when we see his former partners in a new relationship, always interested in what it or in it such that I could not offer?

It's great when the end of the relationship people start to think about what lessons can be learned from separation. It largely helps to avoid similar mistakes in the future. But it does happen that a person literally to fixate on the situation begins to question her own self-esteem, and this has a negative impact on his mental condition.

The loss of a partner, next to which you have been for many years, can lead to a prolonged depression. research psychologist Arthur Aron (Arthur Aron) and his colleagues have shown that when people are in a long-term close relations, automatically begin to identify yourself with your partner. In other words, they see another person as part of himself, mixing up their memories, traits and habits with other people and getting so into the trap.

After leaving these people supposedly losing its originality and identity. To check how much a person depends on his former partner, Aaron asked him to perform a simple task: it was necessary to introduce yourself and a former favorite of the two circles, draw them on paper and see how close they are crossed with each other.

In a sense, this mutual identification can bring positive results. Getting acquainted with a partner, a man passes a stage which is conventionally called immersion into another person. He seemed to be trying on someone else's vision of the world.

It helps people to broaden their horizons and enrich their own worldview. One of the greatest pleasures that give us the relationship is the ability to look at yourself through the eyes of others, from a different angle. This is due to the fact that routine lifestyle changes significantly with the advent of in our life a new man.

But this also means that at the time of completion of the relationship partner loss leads to loss of the particles themselves. Scientists conducted interesting study: They took two groups of people, one half of which is in a relationship, and the second has recently experienced a break. All participants in the experiment were asked to describe themselves.

Results of the study were as follows: description of the people who survived the breakup were almost half as long and contained few positive characteristics. It was also found that the more a person experienced in the relationship, the greater the damage to his person was struck separation.

During the experiment, participants frequently complained about the heavy emotions after a breakup and how negatively it affected their self-esteem. Those people who are after the relationship began a question, admit that they often reminisce about his former partner. There are cases when the pain of separation does not subside over the years. If the break occurred due to some negative traits of one of the partners, the human experience of becoming a heavy burden.

Too many emotions. Sometimes they do not even allow me to sleep. It's been 10 years, but the pain still does not subside.

Participants of the experiment

Once survive the separation, people subconsciously begin to fear the gap in the future and because of this distrustful of new partners. One of the participants, says: "I always hide their feelings for fear of being rejected again." Reinforced confidence that the relationship ended because of the shortcomings and imperfections, makes them fear the recurrence of such stories. It does not allow a person to fully open in a new relationship. He subconsciously programs himself that he would never anything to anyone will not work.

It happens that has gone through the gap changes the perception of the relationship of man to the worst. That's what says about this one of the participants in the experiment: "The severance of relations was like a Pandora's box. Now the words "love" and "faithfulness" for me mean more than anything. "

How, then, to leave, to pay the minimum psychological losses? It is advisable not to associate features of his character with the fact of separation, and to treat it as something you can not help, as a kind of unpredictable third force.

Sometimes a lack of interest from the partner has nothing to do with you.

One of the participants in the experiment believed that introspection can be avoided at parting: "Both partners are wonderful people who just do not fit together." Some did perceive the philosophical gap as a natural part of life and a valuable experience.

For some people, the termination of the relationship serves as a stimulus to move forward, the next step for further growth. They note that the parting helped them to stop demand from the partner unachievable results or the requirements of the excessive demands. Largely due to the conflict, and improved communication skills: people learned to articulate their desires and thoughts, as well as talking about their preferences and experiences. Many respondents argued that the gap has helped them learn to forgive.

The ability to share the fact of separation and his own "I" greatly facilitates our experiences, and vice versa. But why do some people manage it, and some do not? The answer to the question is based partly on the belief that people can change over time. It is important whether a particular person perceives his identity as something permanent and static, or, conversely, is prone to dramatic changes and constant movement forward.

From that to which of these two groups do you belong, and depend on your feelings when parting. When a man sees his personality as something static, not amenable to change, he will dwell on their failures. But those people who are capable of change, will be able to move on.

The way we perceive ourselves gap affects our ability to safely survive it. For all the people it is very important to the perception of ourselves. Stories in which certain vital actions (divorce, dismissal, separation) regarded as a step forward, not like running from the past, are perceived more positively and give a sense of satisfaction.

That is why it is important to refer to such an event in his life, as a break in relations. One person says, "I spoke with the wrong partner, and probably no one else can open." The other, admitting in the same, considers himself capable to correct the problem and never deal with it in the future. Perhaps the habit of asking yourself the right mood to make us better and stronger in the face of separation.