How to behave with the child during the crisis 3 years

Age 3 years, is considered one of the most difficult in the life of parents and children. During this period, the child is formed sense of self as a separate self-identity. Baby begins to actively check the area where the ends of its possibilities, to which it can influence. Faced with the limitations of his desires, he becomes enraged. And you can not just divert his attention to something interesting, like at a younger age: the child feels this anger because of the fact that not everything is going as he wanted.

During the crisis 3 years old children experiencing major changes:

• Formed volitional qualities - the ability to achieve their own, insist on his decision. The child learns to manifest itself in the emotions and actions, to make a choice, relying on their feelings and desires.
• Children explore their strength and opportunities in the confrontation with adults. It develops an understanding of "what is good and what is bad", exploring the boundaries: when adults are adamant in his decision, and when to insist on his.
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How does the crisis 3 years

Soviet psychologist Lev Vygotsky identified seven signs of the crisis.

1. Negativism. The child refers negatively to the request of an adult, even if we are talking about what he wants.
2. stubbornness. He insists on his own, and it is very important to do that, come what may.
3. refractoriness. Disobedience in small things, and in serious matters.
4. Protest. The child begins to actively rebel against what they previously performed quietly and submissively.
5. self-will. The desire to do everything on their own, even if the children opportunities for this are insufficient.
6. depreciation. The child can tear down and destroy everything that was dear to him (even favorite toys), beat, and call parents.
7. Despotism. He wants everything happened just as he said.

In real life, it all appears like this: the kid who still dutifully dressed yesterday, ate almost everything given, quietly fell asleep after the usual rituals, begins to argue about everything. "Crown is not the same feed me with a spoon, I will not sleep in my bed!" - and none of the arguments of reason do not work.

If adults insist on his own, the course is "heavy artillery." The child begins in the best case to shout and cry, and at worst - to fight, biting and throwing everything that comes their way.

It should be said, often so the kids really get their way. Some adults can not stand the pressure, or not knowing how to behave, retreating in the hope that the child will cease. Indeed, peace is restored, but only until the next episode of differences of opinion.

And now the whole family is divided into two camps. Someone thinks that "flog such necessary "because" quite on the neck sat down, "someone insists on humanism, not to crush the individual. A "personality" continues to check on everyone's resistance and thus goes a sad and nervous, as a clue that behaves like something is wrong, but the help it can.

How to help your child get through this crisis

Learn how to properly express anger

First of all we must understand that anger, covering children - this is not the machinations of the dark forces, and the feeling is absolutely normal. She (as well as sadness, joy, fear, surprise) got to us from the animals. Encountering failure or resistance to his wishes, the child experiences the same bitterness, and wrath, and that the tiger, whose opponent is trying to take away meat or expel from the territory.

Adults, unlike children, are able to recognize anger and restrain it or to show an adequate way. When the chief raises his voice, we also annoyed us, but either to contain and house paints We describe someone you know, what it "bad person" or respond constructively in the process dialogue. In children, these mechanisms yet - they just worked out at this age stage with the help of adults.

The algorithm is as follows:

1. Wait until the child calms down. It is useless to say anything until he gripped the emotions: he can not hear you.

2. Once the child has calmed down, call the feeling that he feels: "I see you're very angry (angry, upset)."

3. Spend a causal relationship: "When my mother does not give what you want, it is very angry." For us it is obvious that the child was angry because of the fact that he was not given a piece of candy, which he wanted to eat instead of soup. For him, as often it looks as if some force seized him for no reason at all, and he was "bad." Especially if we instead of explaining the reasons for his anger, saying something like: "Ugh, how bad child." When the adult builds a causal relationship, the children gradually easier to understand themselves.

4. Offer acceptable ways to express anger: "Let the next time you're not going to throw in a spoon mother and say," I'm mad at you, "You can still bang his fist on the table!". Options manifestations of rage every family their own: for someone acceptable to stomp your feet, for others - go to my room and there to throw toys. You can also make a special "chair of anger." Everyone can sit on it and calm down, and then return to dialogue.

It is important to emphasize that this is not a punishment. If you put in the place of paper and pencils, that the child is able to express his or her state in the figure. Adults themselves, too, can in the heat of the battle for the next rule of the daily routine, disturbed children, sit on a chair and set an example by drawing their anger and muttering, "How do I get angry when you do not you go to bed on time!"

Define boundaries

Children who constantly indulge, are beginning to feel that it is they rule the world, and become because of this very disturbing. They all the time have to be on their toes in order to retain power. It's not porisuesh and will not play. In society, the domestic tyrants are not very successful, so they are used to, that everything revolves around them. They barely make contact with their peers, and require constant attention of the teacher.

At the other extreme - a rigid suppression of any negative displays. The point of view of parents in this case is simple: the child should always be "good" and listen on demand. The result of this approach is shown in two embodiments. In the first case, the child is at home silk, but in a kindergarten out of control and aggressive. In the second - he is trying very hard to meet the high requirements, jumping up from time to time. The breakdowns he blames himself and very often suffers night terrors, enuresis, Abdominal pain.

The truth is somewhere in the middle. If the adult understands that this is a natural stage of development of the child, it can preserve the relative calm and at the same time insist on. Obtained solid boundaries set by the soft way.

I refer to the algorithm, cast in the book John Gray's "Children from heaven":

1. Clearly tell what you want from a child: "I want you to be collected toys and went to wash." Very often, we formulate our messages vaguely: "Maybe it's time to sleep?" "Look, it is already dark." So we shift the responsibility for the decision on the child, and the result is predictable. Sometimes even a simple clear voicing our demands enough. If not, proceed to the next step.

2. Blurts supposed feelings of the child and spend a causal relationship: "Apparently, the game you enjoy, and you're upset when you have to finish it." When we do so, the child feels that we understand it, and sometimes even this is enough to change his behavior.

3. Use bids, "If you'll go to the bathroom right now, you will be able to play there in the pirate ship / I I count you longer. " He promised that the child likes, but do not buy toys or sweets. We often do the opposite and threatened: if you do not do as I said, you lose. But forming a positive future to help children escape from the process in which it is immersed, remember that there are other nice things.

If it were only this, the child joyfully slaps to the bathroom. But if all this was started them to find out who is the boss, you can not do without the following steps.

4. Turn up the tone: Say your requirement more threatening tone. Very often we start with that and then everything turns into suppression. But the first three points are very important, otherwise the child and will not have the feeling that they understand it. At this stage, you can apply one of the most successful techniques called "I'll count to three."

5. If, after amplification intonation child continues to brawlThen adjourned. It is important to understand that this is not a punishment, but a pause to calm down and continue to communicate adequately. At the same time this designation borders: the child has a right to their opinion, to the emotions, but the final decision for an adult. All the way and explained: "I see that we can not agree, so the announced break for 3 minutes. And you and I need to calm down. " How old is the child, for as many minutes optimally arrange timeout.

At home, the children are displayed in a safe space (a room where there are no breakable objects). The door closes (another designation of the border), the adult remains calm on the outside and indicates how much time remains. You have to be mentally prepared that the other side can do anything. At this point, you do not need to enter into a dialogue with the child, otherwise it just drags. But due to the fact that you are at the door and quietly point out, how many minutes are left, he realizes that he was not abandoned and not punished. When the break is over, you open the door and start with the first point.

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The more stable and easier child regulationsIn which he lives, the greater the scope for creativity and development. Gradually, thanks to our efforts, the child will begin to better understand themselves: his angry that pleases from what he longs for that offense. He also develops ways to adequately express their feelings. For 4 years it can be not only a physical expression, but the picture and sound, and role-playing game. And if the communication about controversial issues takes place in the mode of negotiation and adoption of the child's opinion, it is for life form ability to assert their rights, achieve their goals and at the same time respect the rights and opinion others.