"I do not know why I wake up." Personal story about living with depression
A Life / / December 19, 2019
Nastya Dujardin
Content marketing and psihoaktivistka.
Usually, when people find out that I was depressed, I hear something in the spirit of "never would have thought!". This is how the stereotypical thinking. Many believe that the man in a depression ceases to smile all day and is thinking about death. But in fact, many depressed people, and it is different for everyone.
Someone really falls into complete apathy, no longer in contact with the outside world and looks very sad. And someone like me in one of the episodes during the day leads a full life: go to work, lunches with colleagues, laughing at jokes; and in the evening, coming home, lies down on the bed and crying for hours, because life seems gray and meaningless.
How it all began
In my medical record three diagnosis. First - panic attacks - appeared in '22. Second - depression - in 23. anxiety disorder - 25.
I'm 28, and I am completing therapy after a depressive episode. In total there were five episodes. It seems, it is called recurrent (recurring) depression, but officially this diagnosis in my card no.
Panic attacks and anxiety disorder is now in remission.
Officially, I was diagnosed with depression at the age of 23. By chance. That day I went to a neurologist, because panic attacks have become an integral part of my life. At that time I had almost two months did not go home. Step over the threshold, and starts: in the eyes of the dark, heart pounding, breathing becomes difficult, and I think that is about to die. at panic attacks safe space (where you feel fine) gradually narrowed. By the time of my trip to the neurologist, it narrowed to the area of a rented apartment. Then I decided that it's time.
In general, the neurologist suspected my depression that panic attacks and launched. It happens. Panic attacks - a very strong stress for the body, and the constant stress can trigger depression.
So I learned that I have two full diagnosis. From which you want to live, work and struggle.
In fact, depression has appeared much earlier. During the sessions with a therapist, we determined that the first episode I experienced more in adolescence. I specifically used the word "survived" because of his condition, I did not understand - I was just very sad. Parents do not notice anything, and the doctors I have, accordingly, was not. At some point in the depression just ended. It happens.
After there were several episodes. And this - the fifth.
Depression and life
Even in the most difficult moments of depression (I call them "wells") outwardly I remained an ordinary person: led an active life, go to work, meet friends. And I was a man who was all well. That is, if you look at my life from the outside, I was not because of what sad. By the beginning of the last episode I was generally not life, but a fairy tale: a happy marriage, a prestigious job, a good salary, two cats - in short, everything that you want.
But depression does not work. This is not a disease, "nothing to do", not the disease "besyaschihsya with fat" people.
Depression - is not "just need to think more often about the good."
In the book "Wow! Guide to Mental Disorders"Depression is very accurate compared with a kiss a Dementor. It sucks out of you all the joy and fun. And there is only the human shell that is either closed in itself and all day lying in bed, or continue to live the usual life, but does not see his actions make much sense.
Precise explanation of the reasons there is no depression. While doctors agree only on one point: most likely, it triggers a violation of the exchange of neurotransmitters - serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine. But the causes of these disorders may be different: both external and internal.
A person may have a genetic predisposition to depression. And my doctors agree that it is my case. Each of the episodes had their reasons: general stress, The death of his grandfather, the stress on the background of panic attacks, general stress again and the last episode, the causes of which we have not yet figured out. For most people, this is undoubtedly a stressful situation, but people cope and after some time returned to normal life. And I could not cope - hence came the idea of a genetic predisposition.
In each of the pits I felt the meaninglessness of their existence, I do not know why I wake up, did not know what to get out of bed.
At the weekend I could not even drive out yourself in the shower. At such times, I just lay there, ordered their own meals, smoked on the balcony, occasionally drank, he wandered around the apartment, sorfila the Internet and ignore calls and messages of friends. At night I lay in bed and cried. I did not do anything useful, and almost do not remember anything - a solid, colorless band. If any art-house director decided to shoot a film about the life of man in a depression, then as a script perfectly would fit my usual day one and looped.
One of the symptoms of depression - anhedonia, ie reduction or loss of ability to enjoy. Me nothing interestedI did not want anything. I remember that December 31, 2018, I was lying in bed and with tears I told my husband that I did not want to go to celebrate the New Year, I want to stay here under the covers. As a result, I won guilt. I knew that my husband without me will not go anywhere, so, I'll ruin his holiday. By 10 pm, I was with friends and drank all the champagne. It took a lot of effort to collect himself and go, but I could.
Both before and after this episode I found myself in this situation hundreds of times, but always found the strength to force myself to do something.
I understand that each hole has a bottom, and if I'm on the bottom of it is omitted, it will be difficult to get out.
Usually it happens like this: I I wake up, Some time lying in bed and gather strength to climb. Then I rose and some time just sitting on the bed, I began to cry sometimes, because do not want to do it - get up to go somewhere. Then I went into the shower and spent nearly an hour under a stream of very hot water. Sometimes the time to pack I did not, then I jumped up, pulled on the first available clothes and flew from the apartment - just do not give yourself time to understand what is happening and get stuck in the swamp of apathy.
On the side, I looked completely ordinary man and behaved like a perfectly ordinary person. But inside me something was wrong. Something constantly makes me think that this state will never end, and I will live with him forever. I never start to enjoy life and laugh will be only when all laugh, for the sake of decency.
Treatment
From the moment I was diagnosed with depression for the first time, my treatment has not changed: it is a combination of medication and psychotherapy. Pills help me tidy up the body and brain, and psychotherapy - to understand what's going on in my head.
Several times I have changed antidepressantsBecause it did not fit the previous or poorly acted. But this is not a problem with a doctor, just like the brain works. Someone fit some drugs to someone else. And tolerance to drugs are different. For example, my friend, that we are treated by the same doctor, literally takes a quarter of a pill sedation, and takes me and half.
One of the challenges of treating depression - its taboo. You can not discuss it with anyone outside the medical office. People can not understand, decide that you are crazy, or start to collapse a "useful" tips such as "distracted look good movie." And yet you can fall apathetic incompetent doctor.
Once my psychiatrist was on holiday, and I started having physical problems with breathing. It was not the first time, and I knew exactly what to do. So I just signed up to the hospital psychotherapist for insurance. I left in the middle of reception, slamming the door. To say that I was furious - not to say anything. The first time I heard the classic "Think about the good before going to bed, and let it be." I still do not understand how this doctor was educated. People come to you for help and you depreciate their problems and talk to him like a child.
This attitude of doctors - it is a problem, because of which people are afraid to go to the doctor or not to continue treatment after the first session.
One day I plucked up courage and told about his condition other. And it turned out that my friend was looking for exactly the same person with whom you can share all this. But just as I feared.
It was one of the turning points in my opinion, the moment of treatment. I decided that I will not be afraid to tell people what's happening to me. I will not hide their condition and will not blame it on the bad mood. This is very important, because the concealment of emotions only adds to stress.
Ever since I began to talk openly about his condition, I discovered that around a lot of people just like me, and also others. I contacted friends and friends of friends, tell their stories, and asked for advice. Most of all - to recommend a doctor. I already wrote that depression a lot of people, like other mental illnesses. And all these people were different. Someone worried about what will think about it. Someone did not want to take medication, afraid to sit down (and some really addictive drugs). Someone feared that he was on lifetime entrenched stigma of "Psycho."
Recovery
Now I finish the medication, ie stop to drink tablets. My psychiatrist says that I am ready for it. I, frankly, not very sure of it. the last episode of treatment was based on three pillars: medication, therapy and support of loved ones. And the two will remain. It's a little scary. I would compare this fear to ride on two-wheeled bicycle wheels without safety harnesses.
Scary, because everything can be repeated. And my medical history that possibility does not exclude. I was most afraid of is not itself a disease, but a condition in which I am in these periods. Sometimes it begins to seem like it would never end. And such thoughts, as you know, are not conducive to recovery. I had periods when I was beginning to understand suicide. No, I have not thought about suicide, but sometimes it really seemed the only way to get rid of this condition.
But in fact, I really better. For all the episodes that happened to me, so I can say for the first time. I have a normal mood. Not good, just normal. We need to stay long at the bottom of the emotional pit to enjoy such things. I once had an interest, I returned to my pedestrian walks and a lot of reading. I do not spend all weekend under a blanket. And I laugh when really funny.
May I take this victory? Yes. Can I say that is completely healthy? Not. My therapy is not over yet. I experienced not the first depressive episode. And there is no guarantee that it will last.
see also🧐
- How to be a good friend for a man in depression
- Why can not deal with depression alone
- How to recognize hidden depression in your family